Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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  • #854097 Reply

    One thing, though, even for long-term, I don’t want someone to just go with me to things that she does not enjoy just to please me.

    Ok, here’s an example. I don’t like sports. I think they’re boring and, with one exception, don’t follow them. My boyfriend loves sports. I’ll go with him to games sometimes. Is it something I’d do on my own? NOPE! Do I have fun when I go with him? Absolutely.

    You’re right that you don’t want a girlfriend who sulks through the light show to appease you, but it’s unrealistic to expect you’re going to find someone who says her interests are light shows, parades, haunted houses, pumpkin picking, mini golf, picnics in the park, walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, riding ferris wheels, stargazing, drive-in movies, and every other date cliche. These are not interests, they are date activities that are made fun (or not) by the company you are with.

    #854098 Reply

    Like, my boyfriend and I are going to spend Saturday doing cheesy fall things. We’re going to wear flannel and pick pumpkins and drink cider and make fall-inspired bourbon cocktails. Maybe there will be apple picking and a hay ride and a corn maze, who knows! I’m looking forward to it, but this is not an *interest* of mine. It’s a fun day date that we can only do in the fall.

    #854099 Reply

    I’m with Kate on how to introduce yourself. Don’t waste your time with a long spiel. Just say what she told you to say. You need to start a fun conversation not start with the checklist of things that must match. You won’t last long enough to find out if you match because you will bore her.

    #854101 Reply

    If you continue the interview questions (which all of us are telling you not to do) not one person is going to answer “I love going to holiday light shows and parades.” Because as Copa said, that’s not an interest or hobby-those are just things that people do for fun during the holiday season.

    #854102 Reply

    Right, you need to just come out with it, just enthusiastically say you’re into all the fall and winter festivity shit, and ask if they’re into it too. Lots and lots of people are, but they probably wouldn’t think of it if you asked open-endedly about interests and hobbies.

    #854103 Reply

    I really, truly don’t think speed dating is going to work for you. I think you’re wasting your time by going.

    You keep sticking by the interview-style opening, I think, because you’re focused on filtering out women you think you wouldn’t want to date (because they don’t share your specific interests).

    You’re not seeing that the women are also observing *you* during those opening moments, and what they see and hear determines whether they’re interested in getting to know *you* better. Your formal, highly practical opening is all presentation, no personality, and it’s turning women off. If I were doing speed dating, your intro would make me politely excuse myself at the earliest opportunity.

    What would get my attention at a speed dating event? A warm smile. A sense of humor. Someone who’s relaxed and comfortable to be around, who’s interesting to talk to.

    Drop the opening statement, drop the cliches (“I’m romantic, caring and empathetic.” – ugh), drop the formality. Just *talk* to women. Have a conversation. If you make a connection with anyone, you can follow up later with a conversation about shared interests. Because if none of the women you meet find you interesting, what you have in common is irrelevant, because they won’t be dating you.

    #854104 Reply

    Essie hit it on the head. You’re approaching this wrong. In your mind you’re thinking you won’t be a match unless you have these things in common, but the women that meet you for five minutes want to see that you’re a warm and fairly interesting guy, they are not there to be checked on or off your list. They want a human connection.

    If you can drop the interview questions, the must-have interests list, and have just a normal conversation you are going to have more luck meeting a woman you actually connect with.

    And someone who is interested in you will want to do things with you that you like. Like holidays shows, sports ball games, whatever. Unless she totally hates those things, she will want to go and spend time with you, even if it’s not on her “interests” list yet.

    #854106 Reply

    Your whole approach is f*cked up. Your initial interactions with women should just be figuring out if you have a comfortable rapport with them. Find out if you have compatible hobbies over the first few dates. This kind of first interaction intensive screening is both a waste of your time and weirds people out. Chat with them. Ask them open ended questions about their lives. Talk about your day. See if you enjoy being around them. Don’t probe them about their hobbies and their love of Christmas stuff.

    #854107 Reply

    Yeah, to add to what other people have said, you don’t know necessarily what you will end up liking. Maybe you will meet some lady who is into snowboarding and you will like snowboarding together. Maybe she hasn’t really done Christmas festivities but will find she likes them with you. In addition to your approach being disturbing and off putting it’s not a good way to find a compatible person.

    #854108 Reply

    I don’t know if it will make you listen to me, but I probably went on dates with two hundred women before I met my wife. I asked out women at parties and social networking events, and and bars and synagogue events, and all sorts of other places. You should listen to the advice everyone is giving you and tone it down the interrogatory style by like twenty notches. It’s weird and bad and off-putting.

    #854109 Reply

    I went to the event tonight, but it got cancelled, and no one bothered to contact us.

    Kate: I will remember your phrasing and what you suggested. There is another event on Saturday, and several others in the coming few weeks. I will definitely take your advice into account.

    To all of you: Advice received. It was obvious that I was doing something massively wrong, but it seems as though the bad style is carrying over into anything I do to change it. I am at a complete loss as to what to do.

    In the past, it’s taken me weeks or months to find out what could have been found out in minutes. I had far less experience then. For example, I dated someone who was right with me on the haunted houses, but she got bored with the Christmas lights. Wasted time. Mine was one thing, but her’s was wasted, too, for something that could have been found out in a couple of initial messages.

    One I was messaging with in the Spring, for a couple of weeks, when all this wasn’t so urgent, it came out that she was Jewish and so did not celebrate Christmas, and so did not go to light shows. Once again, did not need to take 3 or 4 weeks to find out.

    It seems as though I have gone too far the other way. I do not know how to handle it now. I do not have $5000 for a professional matchmaker to act as a go between, though that really is my best option, as they have the ability to not match me who is not interested in the certain things that are important to me.

    Copa: I am curious. Not criticizing, but curious, how is it that you and your boyfriend get along so well if you miss each other on a major interest? I’m like you, in that i have no interest in professional sports whatsoever, but I have messaged / communicated with women who are like me with the Christmas parades when it comes to their sports team. If their team is playing, they are either watching the game or at the stadium. Period. And that’s fine, because I am the same way with my Christmas things. Regardless of how nice she is, I actually move on, as it obvious that there is no way on God’s green earth I can ever make her happy, as I cannot share her enjoyment of the sports games. I’ll step aside so that she *can* find someone who shares her interest so that she *can* be happy. That’s why I am so curious as to why your situation works.

    I just know I would be unhappy with someone who maybe enjoys only a few Christmas parades but can’t stand to see as many as I do, and all the light son top of it. And if I didn’t have to work at all, like in my retirement years several decades ahead, I *will* be doing something every single day.

    Perhaps that’s why I’ve adopted the “interview” style, but now I am at a loss as to what to do.

    What does a conversation interesting to women sound like?

    #854110 Reply

    Fyodor: I am listening. Your messages came across as I was writing my response, so I just now saw them.

    The thing now is, I am at a total loss as to what to do.

    It seems as though I have the confidence to talk to a woman without the skills as to *how* to do it properly.

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