- November 19, 2019 at 12:57 pm #860350anonymousseMember
You’re missing out by being so goddamn selective, Robert. That’s why we think you don’t REALLY want to be in a relationship. A beautiful, smart, successful woman in her early forties could drop in your messages and you’d write her off for not being 28 and agreeing to talk to you on the phone. Or what, she’d pause to gather thoughts and you’d decide that was awkward ~too awkward~ for you?November 19, 2019 at 1:31 pm #860359MoneypennyParticipant
As someone in the demographic you’re looking for (not 28 but under 40!), I hate talking on the phone. My exception is for my family or close friends who don’t live nearby. I hate it! It’s been said, but dating is a numbers game. Messaging someone for a week or more, then a phone call or 2, THEN meeting up? That’s WAY too much time. Most dating advice I have ever read has said the same thing- message a few times, then actually meet. Don’t waste so much time, because 99% of the time it won’t work out and you will have put all of this energy into a person who turns out to not be a good match. Coffee, a drink, ice cream, a walk in the park- all good first date ideas. Low cost, low commitment. That’s how typical dating goes these days.November 19, 2019 at 2:19 pm #860370PeggyGuest
Another thing I thought of-you don’t have to meet just one person and then another and so on,spread out over time. You could easily schedule 3 or 4 meet-ups over a couple days or so. You are just meeting-so meet a few and then decide if you want to see any of them for a real date.
Of course you only need to find one and maybe you won’t get slews of responses,but keep this mind. It can save time and energy. Plus you will get a “flow” of practice going if you met several in a short time.November 19, 2019 at 2:38 pm #860372CopaParticipant
Yes. And so, for example, my boyfriend and I met on Bumble. We messaged back and forth intermittently throughout a Sunday afternoon and by that evening were starting to planning our first date. It was more than “a few” messages back and forth, but it wasn’t extensive by any means. It was obvious from the relatively brief messages we’d have things to talk about in person even if we weren’t the right match.
I feel like unless both people are pretty charming, a phone screening is shooting yourself in the foot and robs you both of your first impression where the whole package is presented under more ideal circumstances.November 19, 2019 at 3:01 pm #860376KateKeymaster
Please tell me that you do message women 30-34, 35-39, and 40-44. Exclusively trying to date women 15-20 years younger than you is pretty much a guarantee you’ll remain single.
At 36, I had to be persuaded to even consider men over 40, as ridiculous as that sounds. It seemed old to me! 38-48 is your real audience. When you’re 50, it will be 42-52.November 19, 2019 at 4:40 pm #860387MaltaKanoGuest
Not trying to pile on, just round out your perspective – a lot of people my age (mid-30s) & younger hate phone calls with strangers. We just don’t get that much practice with it outside of a work context. So just be aware of that when you’re asking women in that age bracket to call. But Copa’s right – I’m not too concerned about the phone screen. If it helps you feel more prepared for the date and isn’t costing you online replies and real meetups, great.
I feel you on not enjoying dating. It can absolutely suck. Ideally, you could find a friend (or us!) to help boost your spirits when you’ve been on a string of bad dates and feel like quitting.
My therapist gave me some great advice when I was feeling “first-date fatigue”: make it fun and convenient for YOU. Of course you also want to consider the woman… don’t pick somewhere out of the way for her or anything. But plan things you’d already be doing, or pick nights where you know it would be good to get out of the house and talk to ANYONE. That way, the date serves a purpose for you no matter what. So for me, I started scheduling more dates at a cafe I love. They have awesome drinks, and I’d go do some writing before the guy came. That made the conversation just part of a pleasant evening I’d treated myself to. For you, that might be doing a first date at a light show, or a restaurant/cafe you’ve been wanting to try.
Framing a date as something fun you’re doing for yourself helps take the pressure off the whole thing. Women can tell quickly when someone brings the attitude “this better be a match or I’ve WASTED MY TIME.” I literally had a guy say that to me after, on date 3, I told him I didn’t see it going anywhere. Looking back, that’s probably why I wasn’t interested: I could tell he cared more about locking down A GIRLFRIEND than about enjoying himself and getting to know ME.November 19, 2019 at 4:54 pm #860390MaltaKanoGuest
Missed a bunch of posts on here while I was typing and now I’m curious: Robert, what is the average age of women you message with? What about the ones you actually go on dates with? I generally agree with Kate’s range.November 19, 2019 at 5:15 pm #860394KateKeymaster
I’m not saying there’s not possibly some outlier 20-something who would date a 45-y/o guy on a budget who hasn’t had a girlfriend this decade. There’s a tiny chance that could happen. She’d either be a total weirdo or maybe real sweet and naive, I don’t know. But the women who would want to date a guy like you, Robert, are a lot more likely to be 38 and up, probably with kids already. Divorcees.
If I were single and dating, my audience would definitely be divorced men 48+. Back in 2003, it was cute 20-somethings you could meet at the club. My demographic has shifted dramatically over 15+ years, even though I’m youthful-appearing, fit, and employed. That’s reality.November 19, 2019 at 5:35 pm #860400CopaParticipant
Yeah, the one friend I’ve been referencing basically throughout this entire thread, she’d totally have gone for Robert. Great person, huge mess in dating. Had VERY little experience, low self esteem, no confidence. All she wanted was some guy to be nice to her and accept her. When she met her now-husband, she didn’t like him and didn’t want to go out with him again. But he was the first guy to want a second date with her, and I think she decided it was the best she could ever do. They got married this summer. He’s really nice and good to her, but kind of weird and awkward… very much an engineer (which is what I had Robert pegged as actually!). They’re super codependent and currently have an LDR marriage. When they lived local to one another, they’d go to Disneyworld every few weeks (which reminds me of Robert and his holiday fixation). It’s all super weird to me, not what I’d want for myself, but seems to be working for them.
Anyway, so there’s an option like that where you find a nice and good but kinda sad and desperate woman whose entire sense of self worth comes from finally being like-liked.
Or there’s the probably preferable option of dating someone in a more realistic age range.November 19, 2019 at 5:46 pm #860403anonymousseMember
My sister is 28 and I just cannot imagine. It would take someone very lonely and inexperienced. I’m sure she’d not want to talk on the phone and would fail a prescreening call.
That’s the age Robert was when he last had a relationship and this is the age of women he thinks he can still date. Face palm would be an understatement for me.
It would be one thing if you were drop dead handsome, wealthy, fit, with the times and well dressed.
I mean no offense, but the reality is you just are not there, Robert. Look for women in your age bracket. Stop with the calls. Just meet for a drink. You can gauge people better in person. If the date sucks, you can leave the date early. Finish your drink and go. Beg off with GI issues.November 19, 2019 at 7:02 pm #860412MaltaKanoGuest
Not to veer too far down the speculation path, but here’s another scenario. I have two friends who married men 15 years older. Both women were about 30, the men 45. Both are old souls – they like knitting, reading, baking, and staying in. They picked men who were already settled so they could hurry up and settle down… and not have children. Their husbands both have teenage children, shared custody. My friends like being stepmoms. Part of the appeal of an older man was that he’d already experienced the baby thing, leaving my friends free to just be cool stepmom and go on more vacations with the men they love. I wonder if that’s a pattern outside of my small case study. I do think that many women dating a 45-year-old probably assume he would have had kids by now if he wanted them.November 19, 2019 at 9:12 pm #860434TheLadyEGuest
I turn 37 on Saturday and 45 would be too old for me.
Then again, I’m also not chomping at the bit to have (human) children…but still.
My sister is 29 and I also can’t even imagine her with a man older than, say, mid-30s. When she was 24, she dated a guy who was 35 and the age difference was too much and ultimately played a large part in their breakup, even though they both wanted marriage, kids, etc. He went on to marry a woman very close to his age and her new boyfriend is 30.
From what I understand, Robert wants to find a younger woman so they can have children. I’m sure there are plenty of women in their late 30s/early 40s who want the same thing.