- November 20, 2019 at 11:51 am #860551anonymousseMember
On the whole, we have always advised daters to exchange a few messages (very few!) and meet ASAP. Because anything more is a waste of time and emotional energy on someone you might not connect with.November 20, 2019 at 12:05 pm #860556SherBearGuest
Been reading this thread from the beginning and like many other I am now super invested. I am 35 and I met my significant other on Tinder about 2 years ago. We matched on a Thursday or Friday, messaged back and forth a few times then he asked me when I could meet for a drink. I met up with him that Saturday and had plans already scheduled afterwards (lets me make a quick exit if necessary). I was late to my next event bc I enjoyed talking with him and we had our first official date that Tuesday. But that’s really all you need to do – first meeting should be low time and cost investment and if you feel a spark THEN schedule an actual date. That’s the key to online dating – strike while the irons hot as in be ready to schedule a meet up within a week.November 20, 2019 at 12:57 pm #860573TheLadyEGuest
I just did the math, and in the 8 months we’ve been dating, my 41 year old boyfriend and I have talked on the phone a grand total of 4 times. Once was when I called to tell him my dog was dying. Once was when I lost him at an event. Once was when I thought he overslept and might be missing our plans. Only once was to catch up because we had been too busy with work, etc to see each other that week.
Something I’m observing is, like many of us, early in dating your “picker” can be off and it’s easy to feel discouraged when you think the date might go nowhere. I get it. I spent ALL of my 20s with one sole intention: to find a husband, with the list of “what I wanted” and lock that ish down. Can you guess how that went? Lol.
I think what we’re all saying is that dating has changed, and you seem to understand that, Robert. There are positives and negatives. I hear a lot of discouragement from you because it seems like a whole new world, and certainly would be if you haven’t really dated in 10+ years. Everything moves faster, and yet slower at the same time. Because of apps and sites you have the opportunity to meet way more people than you would have years ago. However, that also means that you will probably not really match with 95-98% of the people you speak with. That’s ok! It’s just what it takes. Try to enjoy the journey, and not think of it so much as “accomplishing an end goal” as getting to know different people, getting to know yourself more, and learning who/what qualities you might really be compatible with. I can tell you, 26-27 year old LadyE would have NEVER EVER gone for my current boyfriend. She was dumb. She didn’t know herself well and thought she had to have all these boxes ticked and SHE HAD NOT EVEN CREATED THE BOXES HERSELF. And now, she has more love, support, and inspiration in her life than she ever imagined. Anyway, enough talking about myself in the 3rd person. All I’m saying is that dating is a process and you’ll learn just as much about yourself as you do about the women you date. I know it must seem discouraging to think of starting all over again at 45, and I get it, but think about it: there are people in 20 year marriages who have to start all over again at your age or older! When my parents hit their late 50s/early 60s there were a TON of couples in their circle that got divorced. Almost all of them have remarried.
You can do this, but try to think of it less as a job interview and more of a fun outing. If you click with someone, awesome. If you don’t, well, you just learned more about what you want and don’t want, and you can move forward from there. You’re starting at 45 where most of us started in our early 20s or so, but it’s never too late.November 20, 2019 at 1:05 pm #860574AllornoneGuest
For what it’s worth, Robert, my mother met my stepdad at 42. They’ve been married 26 years now (longer than both her other marriages combined!) and are a very happy healthy couple. I know this whole thing can be discouraging, Robert, but I think you can do this. There’s still plenty of time and you have great potential.November 20, 2019 at 5:40 pm #860629LucidityGuest
I really think you’re wasting your time messaging women 25-29, Robert. Sure, there are some women that go for men 15-20 years older than them, but they’re the exception, not the rule, and generally those men are either extremely attractive, extremely wealthy, or both. I’m 33 and check a lot of the boxes you’re looking for, but I would never consider dating someone 40+ because I have way too many prospects my own age. In my 20s, my friends and I would have rolled our eyes or shuddered at a message from someone who was 45. I would have wondered a) what’s wrong with this guy that he can’t land a woman his own age and b) why is this guy so lacking in self-awareness that he thinks he has a chance with someone my age?
I don’t want to sound harsh, because I’m truly rooting for you, but the truth is most women 25-29 get creeped out when they’re hit on by someone old enough to have fathered them. I don’t want you to waste your time carefully crafting messages to these women only for them to be deleted sight unseen. If a woman in her twenties messages you, great, but I wouldn’t message them if I were you.November 20, 2019 at 8:10 pm #860646AnchrigeGuest
Seconding Lucidity – I’m 27, and when I used to date, I wouldn’t have even read a message from a man who was over 35. Partly because my stated age range stopped at 35 (and tbh, with experience I found that way too old) – so if a 45 year old messaged me, I’d see that as trampling a boundary and I’d delete it without reading it. Obviously if she states on her profile that she’s open to dating men up to 45 that’s different – if she doesn’t, stay well clear because it is unwelcome. When 45 year old men hit on me online, I can absolutely confirm that I (at 23-26) found it creepy as all hell. Save your investment and energy.November 20, 2019 at 8:33 pm #860650KateKeymaster
I am dying to see the new pics.November 20, 2019 at 8:50 pm #860652MaltaKanoGuest
Can someone remind me where Robert is located? I’m thinking Pittsburgh, is that right?November 21, 2019 at 3:50 am #860689Robert123Member
I read all of your replies, I’ll try to get to them tomorrow. It’s later than I thought I’d be, but I’ll get back to all of you.November 21, 2019 at 5:53 am #860705KateKeymaster
That’s all right, I don’t need a response about the phone call thing.November 21, 2019 at 12:06 pm #860744CopaParticipant
I’m also excited about Robert’s new photos and hope he’ll share them here.
The age thing. I was 26 the first time I tried online dating, and set my age limit at 30. At the time, 30 seemed old. I did meet a long-term boyfriend on there who was 31. I did wonder before we met if the age gap was too much. (It was fine.) When I got back on the online dating scene in my late 20s and into my early 30s, I did open up my age range quite a bit, which is advice I got on this site. I went out with several men who were in their early 40s and it was fine, though my preference was mid or late 30s. I will say, I did notice somewhere around 40-ish, some men started to look just terrrrrible! (Or were lying about their age, possibly, but YIKES. Take care of yourselves now, folks, before it’s too late!) Anyway, my current boyfriend is five years older than I am, which isn’t a huge age gap, and while I wouldn’t describe either of us as being in a rush, he’s definitely the one in the relationship who is consistently first to be ready for the next big step toward marriage. He would’ve moved in together after a year, for example, whereas I needed more time and am only just now, 1.5-ish years in, ready to start talking about that timeline and how that would look for us. Just another thing to consider when it comes to sizable age gaps, Robert.November 21, 2019 at 12:50 pm #860755VathenaGuest
I started dating my husband when I was 26 and he was 39. I actually didn’t know that’s how old he was until we’d been out a couple of times already. He didn’t hide it but he definitely looked younger! I most definitely would not have gone out with him if we hadn’t already known each other for a year (as in, if he messaged me from a dating site/app). –and you know what, we still never talk on the phone. We’ve been together for over 13 years and have had maybe a couple of dozen phone conversations ever. Women who are 28, attractive, and career-focused do not want to go out and make lots of babies asap with 45-year-old men. You will have MUCH better luck starting a family with a woman who is 30+ and ready to think about marriage and kids.
I remain vastly annoyed that a man can wake up at 45 and start maybe sorta kinda thinking about wanting to probably have some biological children sometime, but maybe take another break from dating first. Meanwhile every woman in the world is sent the message that they better lock down the guy they’re with at 31 or they’ll end up as a bitter, barren old hag. SIGH