Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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  • #854111 Reply

    You don’t have to match ALL your interests. I mean. It is ok if you enjoy one or three things together, but most people enjoy different things. If you were to enjoy the same things as your potential partner, it would be boring in the long run. Also, you don’t have to do everything with her.

    Expending time together is a compromise. As someone said before, expending the time with the significant other is the funny thing, the activity is irrelevant. Unless you are dragged into something you loathe. Don’t date someone whith interests you absolutely hate.

    For example, I wouldn’t date (again) a religious person. I wouldn’t even waste a second going to a cult, or the likes, but it is me. Others wouldn’t mind. Or I wouldn’t date someone whose beliefs and interests are waaayy beyond my spectrum. Like someone into bullfighting or some sick shit.

    What are the things you find yourself unable to be flexible? I guess that some flexibility is positive.

    #854112 Reply

    Look, I get that you’re trying to hurry along the getting-to-know-you process so you can take some lucky lady to all the light shows, but that is how the process goes. Sometimes it takes a few dates over a few weeks! Sometimes people can surprise you, and you’ll find you have fantastic chemistry with someone who is just “meh” about haunted houses. I think what Copa (and others) are trying to say is that healthy, stable, long-term relationships/life partnerships are not built on shared INTERESTS, but shared VALUES.

    What traits are you looking for in a partner besides “enjoys Christmas”? Intelligence, kindness, honesty, trustworthiness? A smile that lights up a room? Killer dance moves? Doesn’t have a crazy family/made it out of a crazy family upbringing relatively unscathed? A saver or a spender, likes to travel or is a homebody, wants kids or doesn’t want them or is undecided, liberal or evil (kidding) (ok not really kidding) religious/agnostic/etc – you don’t build the foundation of a lasting, loving relationship on the relative enjoyment of holiday events. And when you are with a person you love, you are allowed to pursue your own interests – and you should! Copa’s boyfriend can go to some games with his buds while she goes out for brunch. Some people find it stifling to spend every single minute together doing all the same things. Another real life example: my husband loves learning and speaking other languages. He speaks several languages fluently. He’s in a German book group. Every month they read a book in German and then discuss it in German. I don’t speak any other language, aside from some dimly-remembered high school Spanish. So he enjoys this activity – his main social outlet other than me and our daughter – without me. (The woman he dated before me was in the book group, and despite sharing a passion for the language, they were a bad match.) So every month he goes off to the book group and I take my daughter to the movies or for a hike. After the meeting he comes home and catches me up on the gossip, and we talk about what we did.

    Also, where the heck do you live that has Christmas parades and light shows every day? The kingdom of Aldovia?

    #854113 Reply

    Robert, you socialize with friends, right? Family? Coworkers? Just do the things that you would do with them. Ask open ended questions. Ask about their weeks. Bring up noncontoversial current events or weather or whatnot. Have a friendly conversation and see if you get along well.

    #854114 Reply

    I think the other commenters have given you really great advice.

    One thing I’d say is it seems a bit like you want to date a female clone of yourself. Someone who likes every single thing you like and with the exact same intensity.

    I just spent a week in Orlando going to haunted houses and will spend a considerable part of the fall and winter doing the things you talked about-pumpkin patches, holiday parades, lights, etc., but these are not activities I’d want to do EVERY single day of the fall and winter.

    And finding a partner should be about every day of your life-someone who has the same core values and goals. Someone who will meet you half way-they go to your parades and you join their kick-ball league. You raise children (or pets) and take care of your parents when they age.

    Life is not a parade-its the random Tuesday in March when you’re watching Netflix and folding laundry.

    Frankly, I think you might have a rough go of it if you focus on whether someone will go to every single Christmas parade and light show and not the bigger picture.

    #854115 Reply

    This really struck me:

    “I actually move on, as it obvious that there is no way on God’s green earth I can ever make her happy, as I cannot share her enjoyment of the sports games.”

    I’m starting to get the feeling that the reason you have such rigid criteria for a girlfriend is that you have very, very rigid ideas about how relationships are conducted. And those ideas don’t line up with how most people approach their relationships.

    Here’s the thing – most people don’t have just one interest. My partner and I have many, many interests, some overlap, some don’t. Our interests change, too. I pick up new hobbies and interests constantly. So does he.

    We enjoy talking about each other’s interests, and sometimes sharing them. I love going to hockey games with him, because he loves it. The game doesn’t interest me much, but it’s a fun experience. He’s gone on photography expeditions with me, even though he doesn’t care about photography. We make a day of it, explore new places, have lunch, just enjoy being together.

    But never, ever have I thought “he can’t make me happy because I love baseball and it bores him to tears.” There is SO MUCH MORE to our relationship than our hobbies. There’s so much more to talk about.

    #854116 Reply

    I also wanted to suggest that instead of trying to build an entire relationship around one very specific interest (holiday events), maybe that can be something you do with a circle of like-minded friends, and then occasionally share it with your girlfriend. For instance, join a group of volunteers that works on the holiday events in your town, and then bring your girlfriend to one or more of the events.

    A friend has a husband that’s crazy into golf. She doesn’t play, but he’s got his golfing buddies that play together regularly, and get together to watch the big tournaments. He plays in local tournaments a few times a year, and she’ll go to cheer him on.

    #854118 Reply

    I’m going to give you the worst advice ever, because no one can ever follow it.


    Relax. Just breathe and try to relax. Wear a tie if you like to. It doesn’t matter either way. Truly. Be good-looking or not good-looking. That also doesn’t really matter. Just know that this is gonna work out eventually and have fun meeting lots of different people (not women, people) everywhere. When you’re with a woman, in whatever context, just talk to her like you talk to one of your best friends. Voila, that’s it.

    #854119 Reply

    I kinda hope LW does not send in his dating profile for everyone to pick apart. He is already thinking he did things “massively wrong.”

    Not true at all, LW. You’re fine, really. You’re just finding your way like everyone else, and I’d urge you not to second-guess everything you do. Take whatever advice you’d like and don’t worry.

    #854126 Reply

    Relax, just relax… You’re looking to date women, who are human beings, not aliens from outer space.

    You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and on the women you’re meeting for things to have a chance to work out.

    As others have said, rattling off lists is a bad idea. Elevator pitches are for work, not dating. Not even speed dating…

    You should look into joining a singles club. There you’ll meet people who are at least open for a potential relationship.

    Don’t come armed with a list of boxes for potential dates to tick. The chance is infinitesimal that you’ll find someone who’ll tick all your boxes, and even if you did, the chance that you’ll tick all of her boxes is just as minuscule.

    Don’t dismiss someone out of hand just because she doesn’t want to go to every Christmas parade in your town. Just be happy if you can find someone to go to one or two of them with you.

    #854127 Reply

    I think you’re getting some great advice, even if it’s an overwhelming cascade of “OH MY GOD YOU”RE DOING IT WRONG!”

    Take a step back. What you’re looking for is not someone who enjoys the same things you do. You’re looking for someone who either enjoys them or can appreciate them or at a minimum, find something enjoyable about the experience and go with the flow.

    I have no love of sports. I could not date someone who was obsessive about sports. I could easily date someone who watched the game on Sunday while getting other things done and occasionally bought tickets and invited me every so often. See the diff?

    #854129 Reply

    @FYI. Speed dating costs money and is a time commitment. If you’re getting zero matches, then you need to fix your approach. You don’t just keep doing what you’re doing.

    Sure, in general, just be yourself, and probably you’ll find someone eventually.

    However, online dating and speed dating are two very specific venues where it actually is worth your while to figure out the system and fix what you’re doing wrong, so that you get hits and can continue to get to know someone. It’s like your resume and your interview skills when job searching. If your resume is a mess, you’ll never get called for an interview. If you wear the wrong thing and say the wrong things in interviews, you won’t get a chance at a job. Notice no one told him not to be himself or to forget the Christmas interests. They told him not to do a robotic intro or an interrogation or to assume a woman is or isn’t a match based on her interest in light shows. He can still be “Christmas Bob” all the way, but he’s got to change his approach to finding his “Holiday Holly.”

    ETA when I started online dating, my profile had some issues. Wendy did profile re-writes at that time and fixed it for me. My close (married) guy friend at work also looked at it and made a couple suggestions. This is something where you can really benefit from outside help. I met my perfect match online within a year or so of trying.

    #854134 Reply

    But it doesn’t sound like he wants “Holiday Holly” it sounds like he wants “Holiday Holly who also has a RAMS jersey and is a patron of the art museum but not the modern art museum”

    You want common interests sure, but as I said before, the Venn diagram isn’t a single circle.

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