- October 10, 2019 at 8:17 am #854138anonymousseMember
Robert, it is very curious that you have such a rigid idea of how relationships work. Have you had prior relationships? How old are you? The things you mention, holiday lights, parades, miniature golf etc. are common date ideas. Where does the strict “must love holiday lights” come from? Why is that more important to you than whether you’re on the same boat as far as major lifestyle choices and values?
You also wrote that you want her to be happy in all aspects, and that’s just not realistic or sustainable. Women have thoughts and feelings and are going to have emotions other than deliriously happy at all times. Life is not a holiday romantic comedy movie. She will have other feelings.
You wrote that you wasted so much time dating women who ended up not liking holiday lights, but leading with the Must Love Holiday Light Shows will turn women off. And was it really wasted time dating those women? You went on a few dates and got to know someone. Based on your track record since, I don’t think you wasted much time.
Your desperation to find a woman who also loves holiday light shows is probably easily noticed by women you are on speed dating events with.
I honestly think you might need to take a break from the events and speak with a counselor. I am not saying something is fundamentally wrong with you, but you’re so focused on this one thing, and it should not be the most important aspect of interest in a woman. It’s very unusual to have such a set idea of who you will like or not. You’re probably missing out on a lot of women you would have a good relationship with because you are being so strict about what they have to like.October 10, 2019 at 9:41 am #854142CopaParticipant
HA! If liking sports was a prerequisite for dating someone who likes sports, I’d have never dated anyone. Every boyfriend I’ve had has liked and followed sports! Every boyfriend I’ve ever had has also had other interests. On the first date with my boyfriend, who I met online, it wasn’t love at first sight or whatever, but I liked him because talking to him was natural and easy — not because we both share a love for one specific activity. As I got to know him more I realized we have very similar ways of thinking and shared values and beliefs. He was (so, so) kind. He was cute. He was calm (maybe a weird trait to like, but I run anxious and calm is best for me). We have activities we enjoy doing together and some overlapping interests. We also have activities and interests we pursue solo. It’s very normal.
Everyone’s dealbreakers are unique to them, but if you’re looking for a long-term partner, focusing on whether or not she likes Christmas parades and light shows is *incredibly* silly. Christmas is one day of the year. The Christmas/holiday season is, like, six weeks of the year if you’re generous with your timeframe. What about the other 46 weeks of the year?
Also, one of my good friends from college is Jewish. She LOVED Christmas lights and I’m sure she would’ve loved light shows. It’s pretty interesting that the prospect of an interfaith relationship for you hinged on holiday lights and not, y’know, the big stuff.October 10, 2019 at 10:50 am #854144
Robert, this is all coming across as very one dimensional. You have no vision of any growth or change in your entire future life. You will do exactly the same activities year after year.
I know that for myself I don’t want to do the same activities year after year. That gets boring. It becomes a been there done that type of activity. Is that perhaps why your friends aren’t cutting it anymore? Are they ready to move on to other activities. Do they have other priorities in their lives?
We have a local parade in our town that is part of our local spring festival. We go sometimes, we used to go all the time but we reached the point we weren’t motivated to go because it seemed to be the same parade every year. We took the kids when they were little for both the parade and the carnival rides and hung out with friends. Then the kids weren’t interested so we didn’t go and then our daughter was in the marching band and we went four years in a row to see her march in the parade. She just started college so there is a very good chance we won’t go to the festival in the spring.
I would be very frustrated if my husband insisted that we do the same activities year after year. Part of the fun of having a partner is exploring new things together. Trying new things together is a known relationship builder. It’s like a spouse insisting we can only go to the same place for vacation every year and must do the same things at that place every year. That becomes a boring job rather than fun. Is that what you are seeing with your friends?
The fun of doing activities with a partner is because you love doing things with them. The activities are secondary to spending time with the partner. It’s good if you have some things you both love to do but even with things in common it doesn’t mean your partner won’t change over time and want to try other things.
I hate to think what would happen if you had a child or two and one wanted to play soccer and the other wanted to do band and science olympiad and you found yourself having to choose between attending their activities or doing your seasonal activities. Do you have any room in your life for the varied interests of other people?
The most important aspect of a long term relationship is that you have the same values. You need to have the same life goals. You need to be in agreement on things like whether to have children and whether to buy a home and where you want to live. Seasonal activities will never bridge any serious gaps in any of these basic, essential things.October 10, 2019 at 10:57 am #854145
I wonder if you wouldn’t be much happier and more likely to meet a woman with the same interests if you went to meetup.org for your local area and started a group called seasonal activites. Look at other local groups in your area to see how they post their activities. Then think about local seasonal activities and list the time and location for people to meet up for the activity. This would bring out the people who like to do what you like to do. They will probably also have ideas for seasonal activities they want to do and will make suggestions. You would probably start small and then if it went well it would grow.October 10, 2019 at 1:23 pm #854153CurlyQueParticipant
@Skyblossom that’s exactly what i was thinking he should do!
LW, you seem very fixated on Christmas lights/events and are hinging relationships on this one interest. I really think you should create a MeetUp group for either strictly Christmas/Holiday events or Seasonal events where the group would go to all the lights and such. It’s possible that you’ll meet a woman AT one of these MeetUps so win win.October 10, 2019 at 2:11 pm #854155KateKeymaster
He specifically wants a girlfriend for the holiday season. Aren’t you not supposed to use meetup for dating?October 10, 2019 at 2:22 pm #854156SpaceyStephParticipant
Yeah I’m Jewish and I love holiday shit. Maybe more than many Christians because I didn’t get to do it much as a kid and now its like “Lights! Cocoa! Whee!”
I agree with others to throw the desperation out the window and just try to mesh with someone. You don’t need to go pumpkin picking with your one true love this year, just meet a girl and go on a third date to a pumpkin patch. Maybe you click or maybe you don’t. Look for someone you generally click with and then see how they feel about things as you do them.
Interests do change. Maybe she has never been to a holiday lights display and when you take her she’ll love it and want to do it every year. Or maybe she’ll be really into hiking and you don’t think you like it but after going with her a few times you’ll really start to enjoy it. There’s no such formula for a perfect match like “shares X interests in common.” It’s much more about values and lifestyle and life goals than specific hobbies.October 10, 2019 at 2:24 pm #854157
I think you can go just for the fun of an activity. You can go to make friends and you can go to see if you meet anyone you want to date.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to do the holiday activities alone and meetup would be a great way to go to things with other people who are also enthusiastic. He didn’t say why his friends don’t cut it any more. I don’t know if it is because he wants to share it with a significant other or if the friends just aren’t that interested anymore. He also might meet someone he likes who also likes him. It’s the perfect setting to see if there is any reciprocal chemistry. If he is running the group he needs to not hit on every woman who attends. He would need to make sure that a woman he liked was interested in him before asking her on a date.October 10, 2019 at 2:46 pm #854158CurlyQueParticipant
He also doesn’t seem really interested in meeting a girl with long term potential. He stated a few pages back that her interest in Christmas events was more important than if they were the same page on children! His priorities are out of order and i don’t think he’s being honest with himself. If all he wants is a partner during the holidays then for every date suggest Christmas activities no matter the woman, or as stated organize Meet Up events (which is a better long term goal anyways for his hobby).October 10, 2019 at 2:51 pm #854161
I’m thinking the same as CurlyQue. He shows no interest in a long term committed relationship. His goal is to have someone to go to this season’s activities. He has no interest in discussing long term goals.October 10, 2019 at 4:22 pm #854167KateKeymaster
He said he wants a girlfriend, why shouldn’t he have a girlfriend? I feel like he could easily find someone who likes doing that stuff, he’s just asking the wrong questions and not having a conversation. My uncle has this dorky, goofy friend who’s OBSESSED with Disney World. Calls himself Disney Dave. Works there, lives there in their fake town thingy, lives and breathes Disney. Loves getting people free tickets and doing tours on his days off. Once he took a date there and she ran out the back of the bathroom and ditched him. For him Disney literally is a lifestyle. He eventually met a woman who loves it too, and they live there together.October 10, 2019 at 4:26 pm #854168
I think he is more likely to meet a date through meetup than through speed dating.