Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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Viewing 12 posts - 973 through 984 (of 1,036 total)
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  • #873335 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Thinking it and saying it out loud are two different things… Just pay attention to what is happening/heard at the moment instead of comparing and analysing in your head-that is a moment killer too…

    #873394 Reply
    avatarMs.Vader
    Guest

    Hi Robert,

    As a veteran of dating apps and speed dating (once) and even a dating tv show (!) I’ve got some experience in what I look for in a profile.

    Your pics are good but the thing is, they need to mainly be candid shots. Ones with you laughing with friends, doing an activity you enjoy, etc. It’s just a bit too posed.

    I’m hoping now with the holidays over, you can focus on other interests outside the Christmas season.

    Try starting with just a “Hey! I really liked “x” about your profile! I’m really interested to hear about…” or if you really want to bring up Christmas festivities, actually even go “Unpopular opinión: Christmas lights in July should be a thing – are you with me?!” May not work all the time but I’d laugh and likely respond

    #873530 Reply
    avatarRobert123
    Member

    Vathena: Some of your comments got me thinking about a few things. One thing in particular:

    there are probably some lovely women in your past who have no idea why you suddenly lost interest in them.

    That literally brought tears to my eyes. There have been a number of times, I have to be honest, when I did lose interest when we were off by one or a few things. Some of these might have been in a period of disgust, kind of like what I am feeling at the moment. So many things I can get done in life, even things that overwhelm others, I can get done fairly easily with focus and persistence. This dating thing, on the other hand, I cannot seem to get done, no matter how hard i try. Part of what kills me, I think (and I’ve figured some of this out over the last couple of months, to get a path for therapy), is the idea that I cannot measure my progress. Am I 50% there? Will doing this one thing get me over the top? Does doing this other thing get 10% of the project done immediately? I have no way of gauging whee I am. That’s why I kept taking breaks over the years, I knew I can accomplish something if I put dating on the side for a while and focus on something for myself. I’m not taking a break, but I am getting no sense of accomplishment whatsoever.

    I did get one thing resolved in my mind. I’m not going to go into details, but I did briefly have a thought that maybe my XGF was the right one and I let her go, but that is definitely not the case. She could not deal with the idea that I can laser focus on a goal and go into overdrive to meet it. I could not deal with the idea that she took the easy way out of things and did the bare minimum to scrape by. Not a good match.

    On the other hand, to Vathena’s point, after digesting the comments, I now agree that I did let other good matches go. I got so disgusted with the cycling in and out (as I still am today, probably more strongly), that there was seemingly no point in wasting time if we were off on something to begin with. I am now realizing that 100% doesn’t exist. Yet, I could have had 80% with someone who wanted kids. Now, I may only get 50% or 60%, without being a father. That thought puts a pit in my stomach so big…IF that is my reality at this point, that will take many therapy sessions in itself. Most of the outings I go on at all times of the year, I think about how great it would be to share it with a girlfriend / wife, but also with my own kids. Some things, like 4th of July fireworks, I’d like my kids to enjoy as I enjoyed them with my parents 35+ years ago, and others my kids can enjoy AS A KID as I was not able to enjoy them, as they either did not exist or my parents did not find them.

    Or, of 100% does exist, they are already taken by someone else who is 80% TO THEM. I just kept striving for 100%.

    Kate, one thing you said kind of led me to the FOMO idea, even if on a completely superficial level:

    the very young, conventionally pretty women. They are not your target segment.

    That never was a dealbreaker for me, even 20-25 years ago. but it’s certainly something I appreciate. My XGF was drop dead attractive. No one, and I mean no one, was able to turn my head when we were together because they could not measure up on that one. Just something that may be lost forever.

    Do the “conventionally pretty” women really look for different things than someone average or below average? I would think that they want to be loved and respected just the same as an UNattractive women. Looks don’t affect how the MIND works.

    what’s his actual deal?

    Why not just ask? It’s what I do.

    Fyodor:

    I would like to see the text of some of these conversations.

    I will type something up on a Google Doc and let you know.

    LisForLeslie:

    Maybe you should check out professional match makers/dating coaches. It’s a risky option but a few hundred dollars may be a better spend to get some really good advice and possibly a date or two.

    There are two local ones in my area, one is $5000 for 12 matches, and the other is $2500 for 5 matches, and even services like Tawkify and Its Just Lunch are more than $1000. I need to be a little better off to do those services, though it’s something to work toward.

    Copa:

    I thought you needed social media to have an account on the apps in the first place.

    At one time, yes, but that changed after Cambridge Analytica. I did all new accounts without Facebook. I did technically create a Facebook account, but it is (and always will be) blank. Actually, Facebook blocked it as I was creating the new accounts anyway, saying they needed to verify my ID because of suspicious posts when there are no posts period. Another reason not to deal with them. NOSY!!!

    MaltaKano: Your situation with the theater is not unlike a dozen or more situations presented to me in this thread. I’ve accepted the truth of what you all are telling me, and have opened up to talking to someone who doesn’t match on an interest [almost everyone I’m talking to is afraid of haunted houses :-(], but that’s a part of the FOMO.

    I totally get how once you start zeroing in on one real, human person, you grieve the loss of those imaginary traits your imaginary partner had.

    I’m starting to see that, actually. Ties in with Vathena’s comments, it occurred tome over the last couple of months that the women I lost interest in were unknowingly competing with a ghost.

    Ms Vader:

    Your pics are good but the thing is, they need to mainly be candid shots. Ones with you laughing with friends, doing an activity you enjoy, etc. It’s just a bit too posed.

    Good point. The problem I have is, there is no one to stand on the other side of the camera, let alone someone who knows how to meter the camera in manual mode. I hired a professional photographer to take those shots. I tried taking some myself with the self-timer, but I felt too much pressure to get situated, etc, in 10 seconds, and the photographs turned out terribly.

    One thing about FOMO, since several of you brought up the same point. I know who “Miss Perfect” is, I’ve had years and years to figure her out, but also figured out recently that she is a ghost. Still, I cannot unknow who she is. When I look around me and notice someone with a quality missing in someone I am talking to, even if it’s superficial, there’s where the FOMO comes in, even though I know, also, at the same time, that I may likely have to give up something MORE important to get it. It’s something to ultimately work out in therapy.

    #873531 Reply
    avatarRobert123
    Member

    There is one other item that I should mention, that is a big part of my current disgust. I ask questions, like you all mentioned, but it’s creating a lot of anxiety in me that the women never ask anything. They only answer with one line responses. I get anxious trying to figure out what to come up with and ask without slipping back to my interviewing style. Ultimately, that’s who I am at the core…get to the point.

    #873537 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    “Do the “conventionally pretty” women really look for different things than someone average or below average? I would think that they want to be loved and respected just the same as an UNattractive women. Looks don’t affect how the MIND works.”

    That’s nice to think, but it’s not true. The younger and more attractive you are, the more options you have. The less you need to settle. The less you have to consider going out with a guy 18 years older who’s not hot or fit or funny or rich. It absolutely affects your dating mindset.

    Come on, you get that. We’ve all told you that at 26-29, we would never have considered dating a 45-y/o. As an attractive 37-y/o, I was open to dating an attractive 42-y/o. If I dated now, at 44, I wouldn’t be interested in a guy over 55. 55+ are boomers, my parents’ generation. I’m not interested. Also, I’m attracted to guys who are around my level of attractiveness, not much lower.

    “what’s his actual deal?
    Why not just ask? It’s what I do.”

    Yeah, that’s what you do because you’re a 6’2” straight white man who doesn’t have to worry about getting physically hurt. You don’t get it, and it’s not my job to try to make you understand the dangers women face. If you come across weird in chat and there’s no FB profile to cross-reference, well, next.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by avatarKate.
    #873540 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    If someone isn’t asking you anything and only answering with one-line responses, they’re a dud or not interested.

    All of us on this thread who did online dating would put in the effort to have a back and forth with a guy we might be interested in. We asked questions.

    #873544 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    You seem to be dragging your feet going to therapy. You say it’s your next step, but you seem reluctant. Are you afraid of anything? Some of us here have already speculated if you were on the spectrum. Are you afraid of having that confirmed? Being neuroatypical doesn’t mean you can’t have love. I’m neuroatyical. I have OCD & Tourette’s syndrome. And a past lol. I found my wonderful husband. He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for me. Whatever you discover in therapy isn’t going to hinder you. Its only going to help

    #873546 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, I have no doubt that your girlfriend from your 20s was very attractive. Have you looked her up recently? What does she look like now? Like a nice-looking 45-year-old? Kids? Maybe not as slim as she once was? Maybe some laugh lines? Maybe a profile pic with a Snapchat filter?

    Almost 20 years have passed since you met her. She is no longer 25 and hot. You’ve aged 20 years and so has your audience.

    #873550 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    And here’s another thing. I have a friend who’s 48. He’s a good looking guy, good job, lots of friends, a social media presence, goes out and does fun things. I’ve known him 17 years now, and he’s gone on SO many dates. He has no trouble meeting women on and offline. He’s had a series of young, slim, very pretty girlfriends who are cool and fun. He’s still single and still chasing that, but they’re not in their 20s anymore. His girlfriend when he was 41 was probably 28, but his latest girlfriend, while super hot, was 36. He’s aged out of 20s. But he still wants that young hot woman. He’s started talking to women from a bunch of foreign countries now. If you think these women sincerely want to meet a 48-y/o man in the US for love, you are crazy. They want money or citizenship. They send him these smoking hot pics, and then he Facetimes with them to make sure they’re real. They are, but they don’t quite look like those pics. It’s the same woman, but of course not zhuzhd up like their pics. And he runs out of things to talk about with them after 5 minutes. Because guess what, they actually have nothing in common. This is reality, Robert. Right here.

    #873552 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    ““Do the “conventionally pretty” women really look for different things than someone average or below average? I would think that they want to be loved and respected just the same as an UNattractive women. Looks don’t affect how the MIND works.”

    I used to live in the Marina district of San Francisco. A friend of mine who was visiting once remarked that she would love to own a city house facing the water. Even though sellers of city homes facing the water want the same thing as other homeowners, she never got a home in a nice urban area facing the water. Please ponder that riddle.

    #873553 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    “There is one other item that I should mention, that is a big part of my current disgust. I ask questions, like you all mentioned, but it’s creating a lot of anxiety in me that the women never ask anything.”

    What kinds of questions are you asking. Are they open, broad answers that prompt more discussion ? Generally if you are getting one line answers the person isn’t interested.

    #873554 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I’d also like to see these conversations, just be careful not to identify the ladies. But anything we are able to glean from these online interactions is not going to be in any way a substitute for therapy.

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