Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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  • This topic has 1,137 replies, 26 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by avatarPandora.
Viewing 12 posts - 1,033 through 1,044 (of 1,144 total)
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  • #874737 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Believe me, I don’t think I can fix him. All I thought we could fix was his dating profile.

    #874738 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I agree with the above, Robert is deep in his own world. Can he pull himself out of it?

    I don’t think we can fix him. I think therapy could help him. But first he needs to admit that he needs help, and he doesn’t seem ready to take that step.

    I can admit, I’ve been hoping to see some real progress.

    #874742 Reply
    avatarmellanthe
    Participant

    It’s hard to say, dude.

    “I went to a speed dating event last week. No matches, even with those I had things in common with and the conversation went well. I started by asking about interests, hobbies, what they enjoy doing for fun. My thought process is, if we have some common interests, then the two of us are at least dateable.”

    It might have been easier if perhaps you already started conversations with women with interests in common – like with online dating because you get to pick people based on a ‘blurb’. I don’t know if speed dating works as well.

    “Some, though, had to take a moment to think about what their own interests are.”

    This also isn’t about those women, and their weaknesses.

    “In the second half of the event, I changed my approach, asking instead what they are looking for in a man and in a relationship. Again, some had to think about this as well.”

    Maybe they just weren’t ready to discuss what they want in a relationship in a first date. Sure, some people might genuinely not know, but could it be you’re reading a lot into their replies and responses, and that this in itself is something women pick up on? If these women aren’t impressing you with how they reply, maybe they are picking up that you seem unimpressed with the results of the date.

    “I had similar results at a singles party I went to last month… Again, no one wanted to go on a date, even when we had some things in common.”

    To be fair, though. The vast majority of dates don’t end with a second date. We don’t always find people we click with, and even if we fancy someone there may be all sorts of reasons they don’t seem right. Did you actually want to date any of these women though? Were you genuinely interested in any of them, or do you feel disappointed that women are just not picking you?

    “The same is true online. I changed my profile three times over the last several months. I message at least a dozen women. My messages get read, my profile gets viewed, but no response.”
    Without knowing what kind of women you pick, it’s hard to say. In general, men get less replies online than women. People not replying is common – I daresay almost universal. It’s also common for both men and women to message people more attractive (or I guess wealthy) than them – likely leading to more disappointment. Because the most attractive people on online dating get a lot more messages and therefore are less likely to respond to any one person.

    What are your standards for women, and are those women likely to be looking for someone similar to you (age, whether you want kids, whether you have kids or are divorced, etc). I’m the first to admit lots of online daters are a bit picky, but the point stands that if they state they won’t want you, it’s a waste to bother people. If these women are 20 years younger than you and super attractive, whilst you’re a perfectly reasonable middle-aged office worker, then there might be reasons that have nothing to do with your profile or communication.

    “Disclaimer: My self-confidence is high. I can start a conversation at any time with a woman. I often do so, as well, out in public. I am not a shy person, and am even perceived as a social butterfly.”

    The problem may be – is your confidence so high that you’re not reading women as well as you could be in terms of their interest or comfort?
    Are you coming on a bit intense? Do your dates feel natural, do women seem to volunteer questions and ask their own, and do they seem relaxed when answering your wuestions. Forget whether you asked the right questions about interests, do the women seem to be having fun?

    #874743 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You can see there are an additional 86 pages of advice and updates, right?

    #878724 Reply
    avatarRobert123
    Participant

    Hi, all! I just wanted to say hello, and see how you wee getting through the current crisis situation.

    My father ended up in the hospital for a while, nearly three weeks, and that threw everything way off track, and I got sick myself from overdoing things. I did start therapy, had two sessions before the virus situation shut that down.

    I’ll respond to all of your comments, but just wanted to see how things were going.

    #878750 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Hey, no, you don’t have to respond to everyone’s comments from 2 months ago or whatever. Really, you don’t.

    Read the COVID-19 SupportThread to see how everyone is doing. It’s all in there.

    https://dearwendy.com/topic/at-home-support-thread/

    Glad your parents are okay. And yourself. My brother is still driving deliveries out there too.

    PS – can’t your therapist do teletherapy? Like a Google Hangout or even a phone call?

    #878814 Reply
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    Yes, Robert, you should keep going to therapy. Two sessions isn’t enough. Your therapist should offer some form of teletherapy — mine offers several easy options depending on your personal level of comfort with each and technology available to clients. This is very common with therapists these days!

    Stay well!

    #878827 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Hey Robert! I’m glad you gave us an update. Please do not take time to craft responses to all our old comments. I’m sure we’d all much rather hear more recent stuff than two month old responses.

    I’m really sorry to read that you and your parents haven’t been well. I hope you’re all on the mend now.

    I’m really glad to read that you did take our advice to start seeing a therapist. That’s great. Most doctors are now moving over to telemedicine right now, and I would highly, highly recommend doing that with the one you saw, or starting fresh with someone new. This is basically the perfect time to do some deep work on yourself! The world is at a standstill.

    Get yourself a smartphone, start FaceTiming with your doc and then you’ll be in a much better emotional place to start dating IRL when this is all over.

    This is basically the perfect time for intense singular focus on something you’ve been putting off for a long time.

    My good friends just got a puppy. It’s basically the perfect time to stay home and do some bonding and training with a new dog, or to a new hobby, writing that novel you’ve been meaning to write, or binging years of TV you may have missed, etc etc.

    #878891 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Here’s a new dating app called Quarantine together, where you get connected by text and then you do video chats. But you’d have to be able to text and do video chats.

    https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/29/us/dating-app-quarantine-wellness-trnd/index.html

    #878923 Reply
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    I agree that this is a fantastic time to work on yourself, Robert!

    I’m not sure how many people are actively using dating sites at the moment given what’s going on, but this may be your moment to capitalize on the pre-date phone calls you’re fond of — or Zoom or FaceTime — if you are still online dating and getting new matches. (I doubt I’d be dating right now if I were single, but I also think plenty of people will be swiping out of boredom.)

    And yes, jump over to the COVID-19 thread should you feel so inclined. This site is a nice outlet.

    If you’re still delivering packages, stay safe!

    #885180 Reply
    avatarRobert123
    Participant

    I’m sorry I’m being so spotty at this point in communicating. I’m getting a lot of matches, but kind of like Copa said, people are on the dating apps swiping more just from going stir crazy. I had 14 conversations going at one time, but it just meant more cycling in and out.

    One asked for a phone conversation, which we had. I thought we got along okay, I sent her a message to say I was glad to have talked to her, and she just wrote back to say that she did not feel a connection. I asked for some feedback…heck, I wasn’t going to talk to her again, so I had nothing to lose, and did not expand. I was trying to learn whether a dealbreaker got revealed, or whatever, what it was, and no expansion on that. Same lame generic ignorant response. We had maybe three interchanges and a 78 minute phone conversation, and only exchanged surface things about each other. Not enough time to determine if there was a connection or not. She knew too little about me to come to that determination.

    That’s the kind of carp I’m sick of.

    My therapist is doing telephone sessions at present, though it’s not her norm. She prefers face to face, which is why there was a little gap at the beginning of the pandemic, in case face to face could resume shortly. Obviously, it hasn’t. But, I ran into another problem, the car decided to break down, twice, and so the auto mechanic took all of my therapy money that I had set aside and then some. I’m only doing the one job at present, and I need to keep several months of bill money set aside at all times in case I have no job for a while at some point. A second wave could cause another shutdown in the fall. Once this passes and I can restart the second delivery (I don’t pay my own car maintenance when I do that job), I’ll be in a position to restart the therapy.

    I wanted to note, I do have a smartphone, it’s needed for the other delivery run, but right now I’m not taking it with me all the time, since I’m not doing that run right now. I’m not happy having internet with me 24/7. I know most of you aren’t going to like me saying this, but I just can’t figure out why the average person needs more than a voice phone with them most of the time. God, it’s like a little kid who has to have the blankie. It’s what I feel like when the internet is with me 24/7.

    I’ll check out the coronavirus thread.

    I do have one question: Why do women not ask questions and only give basic answers to questions when asked?

    #885182 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You talked on the phone to someone for an hour and 20 minutes? About what? That is way too long to talk to someone unless the conversation is just amazing and you super enjoy talking to that person. Which neither of you did.

    That’s a long time. And it’s absolutely long enough to determine you DON’T want to further communicate with this person. I see your point that you might not know for sure you have a connection without meeting, but trust me, you can 100% know you don’t want to talk to them again. Which she did and that’s valid. She knew enough about you to make that determination.

    It’s you, Robert. It’s not normal to talk to dozens or hundreds of women and never once have a date. Or in the time of quarantine, a video hangout or something that goes somewhere. Your profile is getting hits because it’s professionally done, but you’re turning women off after you start talking. Women answer in generic short sentences and don’t ask questions when they’re not interested or engaged. Editing here to add that the reason they don’t just tell you that is they’re sick of men berating and insulting them when they say they’re not interested, and/or they think it’d be rude to simply stop responding, so they give a bare minimum answer hoping you’ll take the hint. Someone who’s intrigued keeps a conversation going. Someone who’s bored or turned off doesn’t. And with that in mind, if YOU don’t feel a connection after 20 minutes on the phone, make an excuse and end the call!

    You’re blaming the women here, but you’re the common denominator. You’re the guy who hasn’t had a single date in many years. You’re rigid. You’re bitter. You’re way way way too secretive, so you look like you’re hiding something. You’re defensive. You refuse to do things the way modern people do things, yet you claim you want to date a modern woman. Those are some giant problems right there. And then there’s the whole thing where you don’t see women as individual people with personalities and feelings and wants, you just want to fit someone into your fantasy. You have a lengthy checklist of things she needs to bring to the table, while you don’t bring a lot yourself.

    Has your therapist had ANY insights? I know I sound mean, but we’ve gone over all of the above on repeat for the better part of a year.

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