Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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Viewing 12 posts - 1,093 through 1,104 (of 1,135 total)
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  • #886155 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    I had something long typed out but I deleted it. @Robert, you need help. I strongly urge you to continue therapy. Find a way to make it work.

    #886159 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    No one feels a connection from a profile, Robert. People see a profile of someone that attracts them that they could see themselves interested in and message because that is the entire reason they are on a dating app in the first place.

    You’re getting frustrated but all of the things you are doing- not having social media, not wanting to text, being rigid and secretive when you do interact is putting women off. Each of those things, on their own is a red flag, but all of it together is weird and kind of suspicious, honestly. Women think you’re hiding something, are already in a relationship or worse. I bet your rushed, impatient attitude is also coming through pretty strongly. You don’t understand societal norms, you can’t imagine some one else’s experience in dating and why they wouldn’t want to give a veritable strange man any critical feedback. You don’t even view these women as individuals. It’s all carp, right? These things will continue to hold you back because you aren’t addressing them with a professional consistently.

    And I agree with Kate- having a cushion of savings for unexpected things like car repairs, home repairs, medical issues etc is just part of being an adult in the world. If you can’t afford these things, I question whether taking two months off a year is actually a smart idea for you. And I know that’s a privilege, having savings, but that’s why people have a credit card for emergencies. And yeah, shop around for repairs. Find a good local place that people trust.

    #886163 Reply
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    Well, the ultimate question then becomes, why do all of these women write me in the first place if they don’t feel a connection?

    ….HUH!? Dude. Come on! You JUST said you’ve stopped talking to women when you realize your personalities clash or you’re turned off by how she’s acting. Why would the process be any different for women? The level of interest it takes to send someone a message is low. It’s something like, “Oh, he’s decent looking and seems okay,” not, “OMG this profile shows me we’re SOULMATES with a profound CONNECTION!” And then once YOU start interacting with them, they realize you’re not what they’re looking for. Or you say or do something that turns them off. Why WOULDN’T this process go both ways? You need to stop blaming everyone else for your dating failures. You are not a victim.

    ETA: Don’t you think it would hurt your feelings if every last woman who has decided you’re not what she’s looking for — and it seems like there have been many — told you, unprompted, everything she didn’t like about you? My guess is yes. Stop giving women unsolicited feedback.

    #886169 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    “Well, the ultimate question then becomes, why do all of these women write me in the first place if they don’t feel a connection?”

    This is not the ultimate question. This is a very basic question. People go out with you to determine if they feel a connection and like being around you and are attracted to you. Some of them may like you enough to go on a second date. It’s a funnel process.

    I met my wife in 2006 after about about a year or so of dating in Washington DC. During that time, I saw many many profiles and many women saw my profile.

    I probably asked out about 100-150 women. About 60 or so went out with me (the rejections often took the form of a deferral or unavailability that I understood to be a rejection).

    Some portion of those I asked out on second dates. Some of the ones I called said no or constructively said no (didn’t call me back).

    I’d say that there were maybe five or six that I dated for some kind of longer period of time (more than three or four dates).

    I met my wife after about a year.

    Now, I was a 29 year old in a kind of active dating city. At your age, where you’re living, people have a clearer sense of what they want any generally be out there less. But it’s going to be a process of meeting people and gradually funneling them out and getting funneled out by them. Part of the process of dating is to become a smarter funneler.

    You should absolutely not tell women unprompted why you didn’t want to go out with them. The truth is that most people are romantically unappealing to most other people. Which is fine! You don’t need a thousand wives like King Solomon. But actually receiving this kind of criticism explicitly would be extremely dispiriting.

    #886170 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ
    Participant

    Honestly, Robert, that you consider your auto mechanic to be holding your car for “ransom” because your car broke down, you chose to take it to that mechanic for repairs and they want to charge you for doing the work to make those repairs pretty much tells me all I need to know about why you’re having trouble with women (and I suspect, in other areas of life as well). You’re entitled, are unable to see anything from anyone else’s perspective and fancy yourself the victim when things don’t go your way, when in reality, the situation you find yourself in is the result of your own choices, priorities and actions.

    Let’s break it down, shall we. How did you get here. Well, first, your car broke down. Sometimes shit happens and cars break down. Mine currently is going to get towed today because it won’t start. Why won’t it start? Because I left it sitting for a few weeks without driving it and now the battery won’t charge or jump start. That’s my fault. I didn’t properly maintain my car. And maybe that’s not what is happening with your car. Maybe it’s perfectly maintained and a well oiled and cared for machine (although your grousing about repeated mechanics ransoming your car and renting a car to do food deliveries may be a tell). Anyway, you and I are in the same boat, no? We both have cars that have to go to the mechanic. So now what?

    Well, the mechanic I take it to is going to look at my car and tell me what is wrong with it. Since I’ve researched my mechanic and gotten recommendations from people I trust, I trust that what my mechanic is saying is wrong with my car is what is wrong with it. If I didn’t, I’d take it to someone else at this point.

    Next, the mechanic is going to tell me what the cost is to fix my car. Like you, I also am probably going to wince at the price he quotes me because car repairs are generally not cheap. If I think he’s screwing with me, I, again, am going to take it to someone else. But I don’t think he’s screwing me over because (1) I researched him and (2) I understand that auto repair takes labor, parts and skills that I don’t have. So, I’m going to suck it up and pay the mechanic the price he quoted me for his time and labor and the parts to fix my car. The end.

    Notice how I’m not accusing my mechanic of “ransoming” my car? That’s because he obviously is doing no such thing. “Ransoming” implies that it’s the mechanic and not you that got yourself into this situation, Robert. The mechanic has absolutely nothing to do with why you’re short on funds to pay for a car repair. He didn’t break your car. He didn’t make you choose to take the car to him. He isn’t making you use his services. And, he has no control over your finances. All of those things are on you, Robert. The mechanic simply quoted you a price for the services you needed and asked him to provide.

    But you don’t see that. You see “Poor, Robert, being taken advantage of by the shyster mechanic who is screwing me over.” Same as you see yourself as “Poor Robert, being disrespected by women who keep politely rejecting my perfectly reasonable request for a date.” You’re acting like the mechanic owed you a deal and the women owe you a date just because you’re you and throwing yourself a pity party when that doesn’t happen because these people don’t owe you anything. The mechanic has a business to run, bills to pay and so he does not offer discounts to strangers. Women have their own lives, interests and wants for a partner and don’t go out with men who don’t fit into that. Neither of them owes you an explanation and neither of them is screwing you over. They’re just living their lives according to their own principles.

    And if you were able to actually look at anything from someone else’s perspective, you’d get that. Hell, if you were even mildly interested in anything we’ve been telling you, you’d get that because it’s been said ad nauseam here. I don’t know whether you don’t want to hear that or simply cannot hear that, but until you are able to appreciate that everyone you interact with is a person, too, with motivations, desires, interests and thoughts, you’re not going to get anywhere. And honestly, I don’t even know if that is something you can even learn as an adult. That’s for your therapist to figure out. Printing this thread and taking it to her is a fantastic idea. I’m sure it’s save you both some time. Good luck to you both.

    #886171 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    I guess that I should also clarify that during a pandemic people should absolutely not be dating the same way as they did pre-pandemic.

    #886178 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    To add to Miss MJ’s narrative on getting a car fixed when it needs an expensive repair — what do most people do when they don’t have the cash on hand to pay for it and the car is not a luxury, but a work necessity? Yes, they need credit or a payment plan to get the car fixed and returned to them. But, they don’t expect the mechanic to loan them the money and allow them to pay it back gradually over months. The mechanic doesn’t have the financial resources to give people loans. That’s what banks and other financial services are for. What 99+% of the people in this position would do is pay by credit card and repay the credit card company over time. Don’t you have a credit card? You say you’ve preferred to use a rental car for some of your business deliveries. Why not use a rental car for all of your business deliveries, like now?

    #886186 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    “Well, the ultimate question then becomes, why do all of these women write me in the first place if they don’t feel a connection?”

    This really says a lot. I don’t think you understand what people mean when they talk about a connection.

    From a profile, you can tell that the person meets some of your general criteria in terms of age, etc, and you can see what they look like. That’s really it. It’s just data. A connection is emotional. Do they make you laugh? Does talking to them make you feel good? Do you converse easily together? Do you feel drawn to this person? Want to spend more time with them? It’s something you feel, and sometimes you can’t quite put your finger on the reasons.

    You talk about these encounters like you’re interviewing candidates for a job. Right down to giving them feedback on how they did in the interview. These aren’t job candidates, these are people looking for an emotional connection with someone. You can’t grade that.

    But in a sense, that’s what you’re doing, isn’t it? Interviewing for a job? You’ve already got a fairly detailed picture of what your relationship will be like, now you just need someone to come in and act out the fantasy.

    #886189 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Great point, Essie. Isn’t it amazing that we’re back to Robert interviewing women for the role of “Robert’s girlfriend.”

    #886192 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Even job interviewers don’t give you feedback!

    #886200 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You need to go back into therapy and maybe look for a “modern” dating class because this is abnormal, and it’s clear after 92 pages of advice and eight months that you don’t see what we’ve been repeating ad nauseum.

    #886201 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s honestly gotten worse. There wasn’t this anger in the beginning.

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