Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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Viewing 12 posts - 1,105 through 1,116 (of 1,135 total)
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  • #886202 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I think he’s getting angry because he’s frustrated that he’s not having any success and he doesn’t understand why he hasn’t found anyone yet.

    #886204 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Seriously Robert-you are way “off base” about how people and women think and feel and how dating and connections work. There could be someone that you happened to fill a perfect “list ” for but they just did not feel any chemistry. Relationships are about compatibility and attraction and another mysterious,indefinable component.
    You are also so full of excuses and rigid rules about everything. I wish you well but honestly despair that you will ever loosen up enough to find a real woman you can accept enough to allow yourself to have a real and honest relationship. Keep this artifical barrier up and you will be lonely for the rest of your life.

    #886205 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Seriously Robert-you are way “off base” about how people and women think and feel and how dating and connections work. There could be someone that you happened to fill a perfect “list ” for but they just did not feel any chemistry. Relationships are about compatibility and attraction and another mysterious,indefinable component.
    You are also so full of excuses and rigid rules about everything. I wish you well but honestly despair that you will ever loosen up enough to find a real woman you can accept enough to allow yourself to have a real and honest relationship. Keep this artifical barrier up and you will be lonely for the rest of your life.

    #886208 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    He’s frustrated but also avoiding the real personal work we’ve been begging him to do since the beginning. I honestly don’t think he should even be dating. He’s not in “dating shape” right now.

    #886229 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Look Robert – I know you are getting beat up right now but please listen to everyone. You sound like you’re incel-lite right now and it’s not a flattering look.

    People do not feel a connection from an online ad. They feel safe enough, interested enough that they want to get to know the person. That’s it. It’s nothing more than “I’ll browse around the shop and if I see something I like, maybe I’ll get it.”

    At some point when you are talking to these women, you are not making the sale. Maybe you’re trying too hard to sell yourself, are you asking them questions? Maybe you’re giving off that incel-lite vibe – are you telling them how desperate you are for a date? Maybe you’re giving too much away in the first chit chat – are you going into finances, lost loves, day to day struggles?

    Here’s the thing – no one wants to work that hard at a relationship. If in the first few chats you’re not spending your time trying to make the woman feel comfortable (remember that all together true joke, men are afraid women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will kill them) and trying to put her at ease and trying to know who she is by asking her gentle and conversational questions then you’re fucking up. And pro-tip saying to some one “I’m not a serial killer” will always make you sound like a serial killer. So don’t tell someone you’re a nice guy – be a nice guy.

    #886230 Reply
    avatardogmom
    Guest

    @LisforLeslie I’ve been getting a really powerful whiff of incel from Robert for like 80 pages.

    #886238 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    @dogmom – the reason I put lite is because he’s had girlfriends before, he has certainly taken the advice to make changes to how he presents himself and instead of saying “Any woman should take me as I am and I only date 8s or above.” he’s definitely working on it.

    #886241 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I’m not really getting an incel vibe. I think the frustration and anger are coming from the fact that he doesn’t understand relationships, doesn’t fully “get” social interactions, and thus finds socializing confusing and difficult. It’s not working and he doesn’t understand why.

    What struck me early on was that comment he made about wanting to sit on the bus and play with a girlfriend’s hair. It was such an oddly specific thing to talk about when you don’t have the girlfriend yet and don’t even have a particular person in mind. It must have been something he saw on TV or in a movie.

    I think for most people, the way the relationship plays out – what you enjoy doing together, whether or not there’s marriage and kids, etc – grows out of the combination of two personalities. In a lot of ways, it’s unique to the two of you. To put it another way, you find the person first, then develop the feelings, and then the contours of the relationship develop from that.

    Robert is trying to jump to the end. He has a fully-formed picture of how his life will go after he has a girlfriend, from endless Christmas events to hair-playing on the bus to marriage and kids, and he’s trying to find someone who fits that picture, that he can plug into that plan. Unless he’s going to hire an actress, that’s…not how it works. He seems to be completely missing that the woman he ends up with will have her own thoughts on how she wants things to go.

    Robert, that’s why we keep suggesting therapy. In 2020, in America, you’re simply not going to find a woman who’s willing to subsume herself to your (very rigid) ideas of what a relationship is. Certainly not a woman of childbearing age with a career. You aren’t. No matter how many profiles you post or speed dating events you attend. You see the external appearance of a relationship, but don’t understand what happens to create the relationship.

    #886246 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I don’t think Incel either, I think just very old-fashioned guy with issues. He’s not getting pissed off at us here, he’s actually very polite and composed. I get why the incel reference, because some of his statements sound like angry at women / blaming women, but like Essie said, I think it comes down to just not being able to see things from anyone else’s point of view. He blames mechanics the same way.

    #886248 Reply
    avatarAnchrige
    Guest

    I would still strongly, strongly recommend that Robert pursue as ASD diagnosis. In my completely unprofessional opinion (teacher, not doctor), this would go a long way to explaining and illuminating a lot of this thread, and why Robert has such difficulty understanding different perspectives and his own behaviour. It might be that his therapy will not be adequate to address this, unless it is specialised in this way.

    #886251 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    The process of being tested for ASD by a neuropsychologist who can make a diagnosis can be $$$. Here in NYC, it averages around $5000. But there are tests that be done online or with a therapist that can be free or low-cost that won’t necessarily give a diagnosis but can provide the same illumination and path toward understanding some behavior traits that are common among ASD folk. Presenting this kind of insight to a therapist could also be really valuable in one’s work on his or her mental health. I’m familiar with ASD traits and would definitely recommend Robert at least talk to a therapist about the possibility that he could be on the spectrum. I agree with others that it would explain so much.

    #886253 Reply
    avatarAnchrige
    Guest

    Oh! I’m talking from the privileged position of living in a country with a national health service – healthcare costs are definitely my blind spot!

    So maybe an official diagnosis isn’t financially viable, but agree with Wendy that it could be very worthwhile to bring up the possibility with any therapist so they can take it into consideration.

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