How do I properly communicate with women?

[ron]

I think Robert hears what we say, he simply disagrees with much of it. As with his search for a life partner (in a recent post, he said friend, instead, which still baffles me), where he is going by list of what he wants, in reading our answers, he also knows what he wants. He wants what he wants in a woman and from every woman he talks to, as well as all of us, he is looking for the few specific things he can change to achieve his goal. He is not willing to change his goal. He is not willing to change his life. He seems unwilling to be more open toward his first dates. He wants a specific answer for what he can do to have success in dating and finding the woman he seeks. That’s why he keeps wanting the women who reject him to tell him why, so he can consider making a correction to his attire/conversation/behavior in order to get what he wants.

Since he did basically attract the woman he wants and spent years with her, many years ago, he needs to think about how he successfully approached her. One of the things which should come with maturity, and Robert is at a very mature age, is that you can’t get exactly what your fantasy vision of a partner is. The other thing you should learn is what your league is and not frustrate yourself shooting way out of your league. I think he’s come around a bit on that one. It is many, many pages ago that he was insisting upon learning how to get a fifteen-year younger, ambitious and successful woman, who loves Christmas displays and events as much as he does, interested in him. He has become somewhat more realistic in his ask. He hasn’t become at all flexible in his willingness to modify his approach to life and work.

[ktfran]

Has he become more realistic in his ask? I have yet to see it in Robert’s responses.

[ron]

I’ve not seen a mention of requiring a woman who is 15 years younger in quite a few pages. I have seen him use the word friend.

[Kate]

He did say I think a few times that he’s open to / has messaged women closer to his own age. I don’t know if he’s stopped pursuing women under 35 though. IMO, a 47-year-old guy should absolutely not message anyone who has the upper limit of her age range set at 40 or below. She’s probably already stretched the upper limit of who she’s open to. If she’s saying 40, she probably prefers 35. Of her upper limit is 45, fine, shoot your shot, but women definitely don’t want to hear from guys above their stated age range on dating sites.

I’ll just say it again, women who are open to dating a 47-y/o guy are going to be *in their 40s.* Maybe a few in their late 30s or early 50s. Most likely 42-49.

[Copa]

Well he said he’s been on Bumble so he’ll only be shown women who have already indicated they’re open to his age range, and anyone he matches and messages with will have already swiped right. I think anyone he messages on there is fair game.

[MaltaKano]

Robert, to the connection questions: as we’ve said before, the goal is to not make a conversation feel like a job interview. Women like to feel appreciated and enjoyed, regardless of whether our answers check the right boxes. We like when the man comes into the date knowing he’s going to have a good time, even if we’re not the right match. We like when the conversation takes an unexpected turn – we debate the best dumb Fast & Furious movie, go down a rabbit hole about childhood video games, spend half the night arguing about breakfast cereal – and forget to ask those boring questions about work or hobbies. We want to feel seen, like we delight you just by being ourselves.

I can’t tell you how many times my friends and I have debriefed after a bad date with something like: “he was nice, but I could tell he was just trying to find a woman to fit into his perfect idea of a life. It didn’t matter if it was ME. He just wants ANY woman who fits his specific parameters.” Often those guys would latch onto some superficial thing I’d told him and mistake that for my whole personality.

I liked my partner right away because I could tell he had a robust social life and didn’t need anything else to be happy. He was looking to marry and have children, but on our first few dates, it was clear he was still going to have a fun time with me even if I wasn’t that girl for him. That made it a lot easier to say yes to more dates – I didn’t feel pressured to be some specific thing for him. We were just enjoying the moment.

Robert, your great challenge is to frame dating as a journey, not a destination. You’ve got to build up that social world and loosen your focus on the goal of finding a wife and children. It’s counterintuitive, but that’s the only thing that’s actually going to get you what you need in the long run.

Thanks for sticking with us. Don’t let this process make you disheartened or bitter – it’s not fun, but you can do it!

[Kate]

@Copa, thanks, that also helps explain why Robert felt like the women already felt a connection, just the way Bumble is set up, it’s like they already expressed some interest. Though of course that’s just based on the profile and doesn’t represent a real connection.

[Copa]

I really appreciated the mutual matching on dating apps and think that feature could work in Robert’s favor. Anyone he matches with, he’s already met whatever their baseline criteria is. But yeah, it’s not a connection, just an, “Oh, this person might be cool. I’ll say hello.”

Robert, the process IS frustrating and discouraging, but the anger isn’t a good look. I took a lot of breaks from online dating, pretty much whenever I’d feel the negative feelings were too much, too toxic.

[Norabb]

I’m begging you all to stop giving this man free therapy. You are not professionals. You have no business diagnosing someone you’ve never met. You are performing free emotional labor for a man who expects women to fix his life for him.

STOP.
I’m sick of reading paragraphs of beautiful prose that are so full of wisdom and good advice… And he ignores it, and says something else stupid, and everyone writes 10 more paragraphs AS IF AFTER 8 MONTHS HE HAS LISTENED TO ANY OF IT.

stop helping men who won’t do the work. You have better things to do.

[Kate]

Stop reading it then.

[Kate]

But seriously, this is an advice site. You don’t get to tell people when to stop answering someone’s questions. People need to decide for themselves that they’ve had enough of giving Robert advice, or not.

No, we should not be diagnosing someone with a condition like autism, but there’s nothing wrong with asking if he’s been screened for it. There’s nothing wrong with throwing out theories about what might be going on in his head with regard to women.

If you’re sick of a thread, just step away from it.

[Norabb]

I’m not sick of the thread, I’m sick of Robert using you guys for free therapy. It’s just a giant Robert circle jerk. He doesn’t need to find a woman to date got all of you!
Women do too much for men already.

If the answer is therapy, let a therapist handle it.

[Author]

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