Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › How do I stay, How do I leave
- This topic has 88 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by marie.
I am facing one of the hardest times of my life. My husband and I are struggling with an issue we will never see eye to eye on. His behavior around this issue is painful, hurtful, and emotionally abusive.
This issue removed, we are actually very happy. Compatible, and in love. As long as we are not talking about it, or I bury it, we can be happy.
The problem is that this is all just burying the issue… it still exists and it hurts me constantly.
I am not ready to pick up my life and go. Trading this issue for a new persons issue doesn’t seem worth giving up what’s good about our relationship. Giving up my home that we built together and I love. Giving up where I live and my job to start again with someone new, somewhere else.
But my god I also can’t see this lasting, this issue has me in hours of tears so frequently.
We have been seeing a counselor for a few months, maybe a total of 3 sessions. It’s helped a little but not a lot.
What do I do? Leaving is painful to think of, staying doesn’t seem sustainable I’d this continues. I want to have a child soon. I can’t imagine doing so while this issue continues to exist.
Thank you for any insight.CurlyQueParticipant
@Amber, did i miss where you told us what the issue is?
I guess regardless of the issue, you’ve stated that you want a child soon but can’t see yourself having a child with him and while this vague issue still exists, if you really want to have a child in the near future than you should divorce asap so you have time to find someone else.byGuest
With no information, not much of an answer is possible, although you seem overly dramatic with the ’emotionally abusive’. People who are abusive aren’t generally abusive about just one issue. It sounds like it is a difference of opinion on something which is extremely important to each of you and one on which you can’t both get what you want and don’t have an acceptable compromise. You say everything else is great and apart from this issue you are happy.
You also sound like you’ve decided to stay but not get pregnant. So, you’ve decided what you are going to do. You’ve already done counseling and it hasn’t helped much. This issue is either a deal-breaker, or it isn’t. You’ve decided that anyone else you’d meet if you divorced your husband would have an equally big deal-breaker, so no point in leaving.
Are you a negative, melodramatic person who is unable to compromise? You seem to take an extremely pessimistic view of current relationship as well as of any future one you might form.CurlyQueParticipant
@Amber are you the LW whose husband was spending a lot of time with a female coworker and had cheated on you in the past? That person also mentioned they’d have to start all over and find a new job… If it’s you the advice is still the same DIVORCE.BittergaymarkGuest
The real question is how do you learn to write a letter that actually makes sense?
Not such a vague, incoherent mess.
This letter as written — signifies nothing, explains nothing. More, it gives nobody here anything on which to base their advice…AmberGuest
Sorry to be vague. I guess I am looking for perspective about the relationship in this situation rather than the issue itself.
CurlyQue this is my first post but if someone wrote about a similar issue could you direct me there to read it?BittergaymarkGuest
It all depends on the issue. Really.KateKeymaster
Tina, my god. You write in once a week about how miserable and sick and heartbroken you feel, keeping it inside. Cut the bullshit about “we’re happy.”
Either you accept the fact that he sees other women, and be at peace with it, or you leave and get divorced. Those are your options.HelenGuest
Why are you so scared of “starting over”? Divorcing the man who is blatantly dating other women wouldn’t be starting over. It would be reclaiming your dignity and acknowledging your self worth. You don’t have to immediately start searching for a new partner. You could just be single. Do what you want when you want. Spend your evenings not obsessing about if your husband is banging some other woman (he is) Doesn’t that sound lovely? Or if you absolutely have to be in a relationship go ahead and download some apps and start looking now. Fuck it your husband is dating, you can too. Stop couples counseling. Abusers (your husband is abusive) use couples counseling to farther their abuse. You need a new therapist all of your own. Therapy is still available over the phone. Schedule an appointment for when your husband is on a dategolfer.galGuest
Tina, please get help. Start seeing a counselor on your own at least once a week. You write in constantly and refuse to accept what we’ve told you over, and over, and over. The whopper of a lie that this is your first post. Just, wow.
The “one issue” is your husband’s multiple ongoing affairs, his controlling behavior, his verbal, financial and emotional abuse, his disdain for your family and his open contempt for you. And good luck having that baby because he’s told you he doesn’t want kids. Get help, you are past the point that we can help you and you need the intervention of a mental health professional.EssieParticipant
Tina, I really wish you’d come back and explain what you think you’re getting out of this – telling the same (easily recognized) story to the same group of people every week, over and over again. No matter what false name you use, no matter what details you tweak, the advice is always the same. Your marriage sucks, and your loser husband is never going to change. He’s just going to keep rubbing your face in the fact that he’s cheating on you. I don’t know whether he’s getting some sick jolt out of humiliating you, or he just enjoys the ego boost of having you stay with him no matter how badly he treats you.
Your life is not going to get better until you realize the problem is in you. Your desperation to be in a relationship leads you to tolerate mistreatment that most women would never put up with. When you talk about ending your marriage, you frame it in how hard it would be to start over with someone else. Which means you’re going to jump at the first guy that shows interest. Which means you’re going to end up with another dirtbag who doesn’t love you.
Please, please, get professional help.FYIGuest
Is this really Tina?
Girl, I am going to dig deep into my reservoir of patience here and repeat the advice again. The advice won’t change, no matter how often you ask, no matter how vague or specific you are.
1. Go to counseling alone. You cannot get any traction with counseling if you only go once a month, and with him. Go alone, weekly.
2. He told you he doesn’t want kids. You do. That is what we call a clock, and yours is ticking, so you’ve gotta get out of limbo. You’re the only one keeping yourself stuck.
3. There is absolutely no reason for you to leave your job, your city, or even your home. A lawyer can tell you that. Why are you making this more difficult than it really is? Answer: as an excuse to stay.
4. You can very easily find a man who isn’t a cheating, narcissistic asshole. They’re everywhere. You can attract a different kind of person IF you go to counseling and clean up your shit.
5. You are not “very happy.” Stop deluding yourself. You cry every night.
6. Get a lawyer, ASAP. I promise you that your husband will get one soon and screw you financially. Wake up and protect yourself.