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Dear Wendy

How do I stay, How do I leave

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  • This topic has 88 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarmarie.
Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 89 total)
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  • #879889 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    Are we sure Tina is real and not a troll? Because if so, this is certifiable.

    #879890 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I don’t think it’s certifiable, I think it’s sadly not uncommon for someone who has very low self-esteem and was raised under certain circumstances, to end up with a guy like this and not feel able to survive without him. I think she’s 30 and has been with him 10+ years.

    #879891 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    JFC Tina. Please, pull up your big girl panties and leave him. You can either start anew, with the world as your oyster- or you can keep feeling smothered by his affairs and emotional abuse.

    Move on. That’s the only option that is going to allow you to actually ever be happy.

    #879894 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    I just mean the constant posts. How many aliases have we seen at this point? “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Our answer is always going to be: leave him, get individual therapy, work on that self-esteem. Always.

    #879919 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, the level of self-deception and willingness to lie and distort the situation to try to get a certain answer is mind-boggling.

    #879920 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker
    Guest

    @maltokano I think there are two possible reasons she keeps doing this.

    A. She’s deluded herself into thinking that if she just explains things Exactly Right she will get the answer she wants – that this relationship is somehow fixable.

    Or

    B. While we don’t provide her with sympathy, we DO provide her with the attention she’s lacking at home and as an added bonus, we call out her husband and express all of the shock and outrage the situation deserves. Anger, that she can’t – for whatever reason – express herself. It makes her feel better to know that someone else is angry with him even though she’s not willing to leave. We validate her anger.

    Someday she’ll realize she can’t fix him or love him enough to make him want to change. Hopefully, she does it before she catches a deadly STI or winds up in a nursing home.

    Tina or whoever you are. Life isn’t like the movies or some ridiculous love song. It’s not Baker Street. They NEVER “give up the booze and the one night stands”.

    #879922 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    What is the advice that you’re looking for? Are you waiting for a magic bullet that will change your toad of a husband into a prince? It’s not going to happen.

    You can maintain the status quo and continue to be cheated on (100% emotionally and 95% sexually). You can keep doing the couples therapy that clearly isn’t working. You can try new couples therapists. You can keep being miserable.

    *** OR ***

    You can get the will to leave him and build a life that is beautiful and good and meet someone who actually respects you.

    You can accept this other woman into your life, open your marriage and just create a new status quo. It may not be what you want but at least the mystery will be gone.

    You can have an affair of your own (once we’re no longer social distancing).

    You can learn black magic and put a love hex on your husband.

    You can literally handcuff yourself to your husband so you can keep an eye on him at all times.

    I really believe that any option presented here is going to be better for you then continuing to do what isn’t working.

    #879925 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    @Tina, i’m really interested to hear if there’s been any changes in your husband’s behavior since the pandemic. I understand he and his lady friend are probably essential workers but they can’t be going on “dates” anymore so are they seeing each other less outside of work?

    #880014 Reply
    avatarTina
    Guest

    I’m really really sorry everyone. I’m just losing it and it’s clearly evident. This isn’t me, I have a masters degree, I really great reputation a good job. I can’t believe my behavior it is very shameful. I think at the end I’m just needing more time to go by. It’s going on seven months that he has been hanging out with this other woman every week and I am still never invited. Every time I come to the realization that I have to make this move I guess a glam onto this forum for some sort of support or strength and I know I’m doing it in the wrong way.
    It’s hard to convey, you know, when I’m the one who knows him deep down. I truly believe that this woman he is just his friend. He has a really hard time making friends and has only one male friend who talks about himself constantly. They also have very different political and religious views and he just doesn’t click with him very much. He really clicks well with this girl and says that she is like a guy to him.
    Yes they are still seeing each other even with this Quarantine. Last week they went on a hike together and I got on this form and wrote again because my heart was broken. he picked her up from her apartment. He said her boyfriend was there. And drove her (in our truck) to go on a hike. She sat in my seat. I about lost it. He just doesn’t get it. He thought it was ridiculous that I was upset about that. He didn’t understand that it seemed more like a date format, why couldn’t they just take two separate cars?
    You guys I don’t know how to convey this. I truly truly believe deep in my heart that he is not having sex with her. I truly believe that she really is just a friend. He says that she is totally opposite of me, that he’s not attracted to her in that way and that they are just friends. That he wouldn’t cheat on me and lose everything we have. In fact because he is in law-enforcement and because she works with him he has his job on the line and he would not be messing around with her if it meant losing his job. I can promise you that. It’s hard to convey to everybody is that he really does show me lots of love. We love doing so many things together. That’s why I don’t wanna be alone all the things I love to do our things we love to do together and he enjoys it as well.
    I mean is it possible for a man to have a female friend? I guess that’s what I just I’m having a hard time grappling with and maybe I do wish someone on here had some experience with friends of the opposite gender to say hey this is OK. People can have friends of the opposite gender

    #880015 Reply
    avatarTina
    Guest

    To address someone’s question here is what has changed:
    He is respecting the boundaries. He only sees her during the daytime hours rather than drinking with her in the wee hours of the night
    He tells me what time he’s going to be home and sticks to that time
    He doesn’t hang out with her alone at her apartment

    What hasn’t changed is that he still does not invite me. When I tell him it would make me more comfortable if he extended an invitation to me he tells says “So you can chaperone? So you can glom on? What am I supposed to say, “oh by the way my wife is coming too.”
    I really just don’t know how to respond to that, when he says those things.

    But there has been baby steps because originally he told me that he won’t have a curfew and not be restricted. Now he is actually staying with in the boundaries we decided upon

    If that’s any progress

    #880022 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    “ He tells me what time he’s going to be home and sticks to that time”

    Really? Because in last week’s letter you said he lied and came home late and you were heartbroken and sick.

    At this point I don’t believe anything you say. You should really think hard about all this lying you do about your husband and why.

    #880023 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    “ I am beyond livid at my SO right now. He lied to me!!! Feeling heartbroken and betrayed. Long story short, I was at dinner with a friend and he told me he was going to be back home later – around 830. I said OK and then asked him why his boss was “making him work so hard” and he spouted off some BS. 5 minutes later I see a photo of him at a bar. What should I do with him??”

    Sure, that sounds like sticking to the boundaries and only seeing this woman in the daytime.

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