How do I stay, How do I leave

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  • Anchrige
    April 9, 2020 at 6:53 am #880027

    Tina, he is 100% cheating on you and 100% having sex with this woman. He was a date format because this is a date. And now not only is he risking bringing STDs back into the marital home, he’s now risking bringing back coronovirus by refusing to obey quarantine (although sounds like you are as well, or that you don’t really understand what a quarantine is – only in the daytime? You serious?).

    That is why he doesn’t want you to “glom” on. Because he doesn’t want you third-wheeling on their dates.

    At this point, you need to accept that there are three in your marriage or get out of your marriage. Your husband has made it clear that there will never be less than three, even if this girlfriend goes. I get that blissful ignorance and denial would be a comfort, but it don’t seem so blissful to me.

    April 9, 2020 at 7:41 am #880029

    “It’s hard to convey to everybody is that he really does show me lots of love.”

    Was he showing you love when he spent the night at her house and wouldn’t answer your calls? In your very first post on this same subject, you said you think he lacks empathy in general. You also said that you want children, and he doesn’t, so you aren’t getting what you badly want.

    If my spouse were as upset as you are over a “friendship,” I would 100% cool or end that friendship. If my spouse were available for hikes, I’d go with my spouse. If I had zero ability to make friends, as a grown-ass adult, I’d work on that so that I didn’t have to rely on one person who drives my spouse crazy.

    He’s lying to you.

    BUT if he’s so loving and great, then fine! Have a good life and quit posting! What the eff do you want us to say?!

    April 9, 2020 at 7:47 am #880030

    Tina, I’m trying to have compassion. You’ve been with him since you were 20 years old and there has been abuse. Leaving feels really hard for a lot of reasons. I’ve been with an abusive partner and I know the crushed self esteem and the bone deep knowledge that leaving will be the end of any chance at joy again. Luckily that isn’t actually true, at all. It was the beginning of the best part of my life. Here is the reality:

    1. Believing him when he says he wouldn’t sleep with her because it would put his career in jeopardy is ridiculous. His career is already in as much jeopardy as it could possibly be in with her! He’s sleeping over at her house, at bars with her until 2 am, taking her on remote hikes alone during quarantine. If he seriously gave a shit about the risk of appearing too close with her NONE of that would be happening. She could credibly make any accusation she wants about him at this point and he couldn’t refute it. It literally doesnt matter if they aren’t sleeping together, no one would believe him for good reason. It’s such a laughable, transparent lie that it’s ridiculous.
    2. Any, even halfway decent man who cared about his marriage would have ditched this “friendship” months ago
    3. Congrats, you’ve put boundaries around his affair. And he sort of, occasionally, maybe follows them. You still feel devastated and betrayed. What a surprise.
    4. He’s BREAKING ISOLATION to be with her and then coming home to you, in these circumstances he is literally risking your life to be with her. This is so beyond risky, sick and selfish that I would be packing my bags and staying somewhere else.
    5. You’re minimizing and lying to yourself and to others. A lot. Like, about everything.
    6. You desperately want to break this down into 1 single problem. Then maybe you can fix it. It’s not 1 problem. It’s a web of disdain, multiple affairs, outright contempt for you, that you will never get to be a mother if you stay with him, abuse, control, lie after lie after lie, and the fact that he just plain doesn’t care about you. Accept how things are now, or leave.

    Please get professional help. You need it. Counseling every single week, ALONE.

    April 9, 2020 at 8:04 am #880032

    “I mean is it possible for a man to have a female friend? I guess that’s what I just I’m having a hard time grappling with and maybe I do wish someone on here had some experience with friends of the opposite gender to say hey this is OK.”

    Tina, this was basically your first post on the forums. We’ve already answered this for you. Many people with opposite gender friends weighed in and told you their spouse meets and hangs out with their friend, that they never cross boundaries their spouse is uncomfortable with, and they don’t prioritize the friend over the spouse. Go back and reread it.

    Yes, it’s absolutely possible to have opposite gender friends. Your situation is NOT what that looks like. NO, this isn’t ok. No one on here is going to tell you that it is. Tweaking the details and lying to try to get that answer doesnt help.

    April 9, 2020 at 8:13 am #880033

    Tina — Perhaps a positive sign that you have ditched the attempt to sneak by with different names as different individuals.

    Yes, it is possible for men and women to be platonic friends — it’s common. But… your husband’s relationship with this woman shows no sign of being platonic. You mentioned so many reasons to believe it isn’t platonic in your last post. Your evidence that it’s not sexual is VERY weak. Her bf was at her apartment when your husband picked her up for what you described as a date? You say this only because this is what he told you. You have zero independent knowledge that this is true. He is coming home when he says he will now? You know people can have sex at any hour of the day and still meet their curfew. They are no longer drinking together at bars? You can drink at home or on a hike or in a truck or at a bar earlier than 2 A.M. He’s made cosmetic changes and believes they will satisfy you. He seems to be right. They haven’t satisfied you in the sense of making you happy, but have in the sense that you are still with him.

    You’ve presented little to no evidence in all of your posts which show that he cares at all about your happiness.

    April 9, 2020 at 8:47 am #880036

    Tina – even you don’t believe there isn’t “something going on”. If you really felt that deep down, this woman wasn’t a threat to your marriage, you wouldn’t be losing it right now.

    Why won’t you trust your gut?

    To reiterate the point others have made, yes, people can have opposite-sex friends. Totally normal, totally fine. Happens all the time.

    What’s not normal – weekly date nights that aren’t even stopped by a deadly global pandemic. That would be weird no matter the genders or sexual orientations of anyone involved. But someone doing this with a history of cheating? C’mon.

    April 9, 2020 at 9:06 am #880037

    @kate summarized it really nicely. You have two options.

    1. Leave.
    2. Accept this is who your husband is and learn to live with it.

    I’d choose option 1.

    April 9, 2020 at 10:37 am #880048

    So again, NO this isn’t normal or acceptable for just a M/F friendship, even if you take everything else out of it. It’s really weird and shady, just objectively. People in healthy marriages who care about their spouse don’t behave like this.

    April 9, 2020 at 10:38 am #880049

    You don’t even believe the things you’re telling us; why should we believe what you’re saying?

    If you were convinced that he’s not cheating, you wouldn’t be this upset. You’re lying to yourself. Not only is he obviously, by your own description, in a relationship with this woman, but he’s chosen her over you, time and time again. He’s essentially created an open marriage without your consent, because he’s figured out that you’re so terrified of being “alone” that he can do anything he wants.

    There have been long stretches in my life when I’ve been single. If anything, it was good for me, and improved the quality of my relationships. And I’m being 100% honest here: there was not one moment of my singleness that was as bad as what you’re living through right now. I’ll take being single over an empty marriage any day.

    April 9, 2020 at 10:39 am #880050

    Oops double post.

    April 9, 2020 at 10:41 am #880051

    Oh, and the fact that she has a boyfriend who knows she spends time with your husband is meaningless. Maybe she and her boyfriend have an open relationship.

    April 9, 2020 at 10:43 am #880052

    If you believed him and trusted him, you wouldn’t be writing in every two days under a different name. You know he’s cheating. He’s cheated on you before and he’s still doing it. It’s clear he does what he wants, regard of how you feel about it.

    Yes people can have friends. Married people can have opposite gender friends, but generally when you’re married you actually like to spend time with your partner and sometimes spend time with your partner and your friend at the same time. He is keeping you separate for a reason. You know that. There’s no way I’d put a friend before my husband. And you know he shouldn’t be putting her first, which is what he’s doing.

    Stop being foolish. We know you don’t believe him or trust him. You are smarter than this. And you deserve more than this. You’re desperately trying to push down your intuition and gut feeling to save this broken relationship because you’re scared to take the necessary steps to start over. It’s scary. But it’s so much more fulfilling and happy on the other side. Trust me.

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How do I stay, How do I leave

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