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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I stay, How do I leave

Home Forums Advice & Chat How do I stay, How do I leave

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 89 total)
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  • #880055 Reply
    Oracle
    Guest

    Bottom line. Do you want a baby or not? He does not want any (at least with you). Your clock is ticking. Sooner or later he’s going to leave. And then he’s going to have that child with someone else. By then it probably will be to late for you.
    I would leave and have that baby that you want. Stop being delusional.

    #880056 Reply
    Tina
    Guest

    I know I know I know. Here’s what I’m getting out of all of this that is encouraging me. I am going to get counseling alone and stop the couples counseling.
    I know you’re going to hate me for asking this but let’s say he truly said “I’m really trying. This is new for me too. What do I need to do to make you feel more comfortable?”
    He did offer to have her and her boyfriend over for dinner.
    Again because I do believe people can have opposite gender friends, maybe he is just super immature and young and has never been very social, I might need to put it in black-and-white for him. All of his resistance and disrespect has come from his issues with his extreme control he got from his dad. This is not justifying it.
    If at the end of the day he really does see her as a guy, he prioritizes our time together over the weekends and fines holes when making plans with her.
    Is there anything at this point that he could particularly do to redeem himself. That is all I’m asking please bear with me

    #880057 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    He is not immature or young. He’s a grown-ass man with a job and a house and a wife.

    You’ve told him a hundred times what he could do to make you feel more comfortable — stop dating. And he refuses to do it. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. You don’t have to put anything in black-and-white. He knows, he just doesn’t care.

    He’s never been very social, huh? He’s cheated on you before, and he’s cheating now. He has enough social skills to find these women.

    He prioritizes your time together!??! He spent the night at her house while you called frantically! What are you smoking? What he could do to redeem himself is stop seeing this woman. It won’t happen, and you are going to waste a child-bearing decade on this crap. Get. Out.

    #880058 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Good lord, just stop making excuses for him. He doesn’t see her as a guy. Just stop.

    He doesn’t make plans with you and fills holes (ha!) with her. You’ve written in over and over again about how he’s disappeared for an entire night, getting home in the morning. Or how he told you he wouldn’t go out and then he did.

    It’s easy for him to have an affair when you make up the stories to tell yourself for him! He barely has to lie to you.

    Yeah, he could redeem himself, by being honest with you. At this point, I think the only reason he hasn’t left you is because he knows you are entitled to half if you get divorced.

    What about what you want? A real marriage? A baby?

    His resistance and disrespect come from his misogyny and narcissism. He doesn’t give a shit about how you feel. Just like he doesn’t even care to go through the motions of being pleasant to your family. He gives you less than the bare minimum and you’re happy as pie to have that. It’s really sad, Tina. Please actually get help for yourself. Contact a divorce lawyer.

    #880060 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    First. There should be no contact at all right now with anyone other than your immediate household. None. Until this pandemic subsides.

    Second. We can’t tell you what will make it right. For me, nothing would make it right. I would leave because I would recognize this is an unhealthy dynamic and what he’s doing, regardless of if he’s “actually cheating”, is shady AF. This is coming from someone who is totally ok with her husband’s female friends. He doesn’t act like your husband. He doesn’t have a history of cheating. And I fully trust him at all times with everything.

    Third. I’m not really sure I have a third. Or a last. Everything has already been said that I can think of.

    I’m sorry you’re unhappy. I’m sorry your husband is a dick. You have the power to change it. That means leaving and working on yourself and your self esteem before you enter your next relationship. I truly hope you get the courage to do this one day. You could be so much happier.

    Wait, I thought of a last. Again, you have two options. Leave. Or learn to be ok with your husband as he is now. Right now, for whatever reason, he wants to be friends with this woman regardless of your feelings. Either accept it or move on.

    #880061 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Stop lying, Tina.

    #880062 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    The only acceptable answer to how you could feel more comfortable is simple: He cuts all contact. Period. He admits the affair, cuts contact with his affair partner, and never sees her voluntarily again.

    The thing is, even if he does that it STILL will not redeem him. This is his third known affair. He literally DOESN’T CARE how much this is hurting you. He KNOWS that cutting her out is the right thing to do, he KNOWS what he’s doing when he lies about where he is and when he’s coming home. And on top of that, he’s controlling. He refuses to spend time with your family because he thinks they’re boring and he just doesn’t want to. He doesnt care about the people you love. He thinks it’s ok to risk your literal life to see this woman. He doesn’t want children and you do. He hides his finances from you. He’s made sure the home you live in is in his name only. He’s verbally abusive. He’s emotionally abusive. He is devoid of empathy. He outright told you that you aren’t worth staying married to. He literally said those words. He lies to you constantly. Just, oh my god, STOP THIS. There is NO fixing this.

    #880063 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Wait, I thought of a way he could redeem himself- he could stop dating this other woman. He could stop all of that. But he won’t, because you’ve already asked him to and he told you to leave him if you weren’t happy. Remember that?

    It’s over.

    #880064 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Why don’t you just say to him, right now, I need you to stop seeing this woman outside of work, stop contacting her outside of work. I need that to feel comfortable.

    Just do it. I feel like you maybe haven’t said that.

    He’s going to tell you to go fuck yourself, you can’t control him. And you KNOW IT.

    #880065 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    “All of his resistance and disrespect has come from his issues with his extreme control he got from his dad”

    NO. All of his disrespect comes from his fully informed, intentional choice to disrespect you. He behaves the way he does, says the things he does, makes the choices he does because he wants to. Period.

    “If at the end of the day he really does see her as a guy, he prioritizes our time together over the weekends and fines holes when making plans with her”

    NO. He’s seen her every weekend for the better part of a year. He got angry with you, yelled at you, and slept in the other room because you made plans to go to the movies on a night he wanted to see her. His “prioritizing” you was to see her until 2 am the next night. He stayed out with her all night and ignored your calls MULTIPLE TIMES. He told you he will not be “controlled” by having solid plans with his wife, a curfew, or limits on how often he sees her. Jesus fucking christ.

    Tina, stop this. Stop the lying.

    #880066 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also WHAT THE FUCK with not social distancing? What is wrong with both of you?

    #880069 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    “If at the end of the day he really does see her as a guy, he prioritizes our time together over the weekends and fines holes when making plans with her.
    Is there anything at this point that he could particularly do to redeem himself. That is all I’m asking please bear with me.”

    I think we all know what holes he finds when he makes plans with her, which is why the only 2 possible solutions are either he stops seeing her outside of work or you get a divorce.

    I think other posters are getting the social distancing thing wrong. Her husband is a policeman. He is doing a job in which he cannot truly social distance. He will come in very close contact with random people who are out and about and whom he needs to interact with and even arrest. Not the sort of folks I would expect to be following good social distancing practice. He is at high risk for Covid-19 exposure, which means Tina is at almost as high a risk, since she lives with him.

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