How do I stay, How do I leave

[ron]

And I don’t think he got all of this attitude from his dad. I’ve worked closely on boards with policemen. As a profession, they have an unusually high divorce rate. They also seem to have an unusually high number of gfs on the side and expect that their gold-plated public pensions will get them a younger woman when they retire, if that is what they want or need at the time (because their wife divorced them).

[ktfran]

@Ron, he was hanging out at a bar last week. And she was eating dinner with a friend. He went hiking with his lady friend. They are most certainly not social distancing in their free time.

Essential work is one thing. Actively going out and being around people in your off time is totally different.

I’m not getting it wrong.

[golfer.gal]

Ron, Tina said last weekend that she was out to dinner with friends. Her husband claimed he was working late but then posted pictures on social media from a bar. Since then the husband picked up his mistress at her house, drove her around in his car, went hiking or whatever they did, and then drove her home. All of those things are major violations of shelter in place, even if the husband is an essential worker. Actually the fact that he’s essential makes it even more egregious. People don’t have a choice which first responder shows up and he’s risking the health of all those people and their families. Going to bars and restaurants, and going on joyrides with non family members is absolutely not ok right now. It’s really selfish and it’s risking other peoples lives.

[Essie]

I can’t tell you what would make it ok. It would never be ok for me. In your very first post here, you described a man that I would never even have dated, let alone married. And a man that I never, in a million years, would have a child with. He would be a terrible father, and you know it.

You’re fixated on having a wonderful life with a loving partner and a child. Sure, that’s a great thing to want. Lots of people want that.

But you’re never going to have that until you develop some self-respect and some standards. You might have the outside appearance of the life you want, but it’s hollow and meaningless without a partner who respects you and values you.

Leave him, get therapy, and don’t even think about dating until you’ve found some self-respect.

[Tina]

Just to clarify everyone, I’m not sure if you’re getting something from someone else’s post that you thought was me. I understand the mixups. The post that people are referring to regarding going to dinner with friends and him posting a photo on social media of him at a bar was not me.
I have been staying at home social distancing. He is the one who is choosing to still see her, and go hiking with her.

And yes if I told him to cut off all ties he would say that he isn’t doing anything wrong. That going hiking with her and not staying out drinking and doing all the things I asked of him it’s not wrong. He truly thinks he’s not doing anything wrong. So when I ask him to cut off all ties with her he literally thinks I am being controlling by not allowing him to have friends of the opposite gender

[FYI]

He calls it controlling, we call it respect. Respect means not dating other people while you married. This does not need to be explained to him. He already knows this, as does the rest of the universe.

I missed the detail about the house being in his name only. Gurl, this guy is screwing you over big-time. Wow, it’s hard to watch.

But at the rate you’re going, you’d practically be testifying ON HIS BEHALF in divorce court, so hey, good luck.

[ktfran]

So you know what he’ll say to you and that he won’t give up this toxic friendship.

You know what you want him to do.

Those two things are at odds with one another. So again, you either accept this friend of his and learn to live with it or you move on.

[CurlyQue]

Tina here are your next steps. First is to STOP CARING about what he does and where people sit in his truck. Just stop. Stop sleeping with him (or if you do use a condom and birth control). Yes to solo counseling, and yes to figuring our your plan to get out of this marriage that makes you cry and feel crazy.

If he’s offered to have them over for dinner you can say that once the pandemic is over that would be a lovely idea.

But just try to STOP CARING. Work on yourself and your sanity and your plan to get out.

[Kate]

That was you, Tina. Stop lying.

[Helen]

Tina, you’re in deep denial. I say that as a recovering addict so I know how extreme denial can be. Its a coping mechanism. Unfortunately a poor one. You seem to cling to the thought that nothing’s going on because her boyfriend is there…but he’s likely getting in on the action. My husband and I aren’t strictly monogamous, we’re ethically monogamouish. Quit refusing to face reality. There’s only one reason they don’t invite you on their get togethers. They’re all banging. Period. If you don’t like it leave him. If you can’t imagine a life without him you need to accept he is unethically monogamous and will have other relationships on the sly

[Essie]

Tina, you’re missing the point we’re trying to make. A good man, a man who cared about you and valued you, would have put a stop to this “friendship“ long ago JUST BECAUSE IT HURT YOU. He wouldn’t want to see you in pain. The thought of hurting you would cause him pain.

He refuses to stop. That’s not because he doesn’t understand. It’s not because his daddy was mean. He’s not stopping because she’s more important to him than you are. If you were more important, he wouldn’t be seeing her. That’s the plain, honest truth of it, and you know it.

[Oracle]

I do no think the boyfriend exists. Made up. She probably has a roommate and he just is going along with the whole thing. They are laughing at her. This is just sad. This reminds me of the whole Prince Charles thing. At least Diana wised up.

[Author]

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