Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › How do I stay, How do I leave
- This topic has 88 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by marie.
Essie, your post stood out to me. You are right, as a human if someone that we love his hurting it would hurt us to see them go through that. Not keep repeating the actions over and over again. That is why I’m so confused how can that be love. How can he tell me he loves me and be affectionate, and marry me and be with me for 10 years and yet not care when I’m in pain? Maybe that is why I am in denial.
He still has to work with her, and so he is not able to cut off all ties.
And yes it clearly seems that she is more important than me or at least he doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of her by telling her that he can’t see her anymore. His ego can’t handle that.
I also don’t understand why he seems so embarrassed to invite me to join on their get together’s. Joey says this would not be a problem if she was a guy. I also don’t understand why he seems so embarrassed to invite me to join on their get together’s. He also always related that he wouldn’t crash my get together’s when I’m hanging out with my friend. That if I invited him to join me and my girlfriend that he would think that’s really awkward.
Finally, I guess the only reason I really don’t think that they are having sex is because the two times that he cheated before, he told me immediately. He couldn’t handle holding onto the guilt. There is no way in hell I think that he could be sleeping with her and doing things with her and not be able to tell me. That is just something I really know about himAnchrigeGuest
Tina, if someone gets away with something once, they learn they can get away with it again. Then they get away with it a second time, they don’t shy away from it a third time, they are more likely to go for it. So now your husband has crossed over from emotional affair (as far as you know, according to what he told you, which is worth absolutely nothing because his word is NOTHING) into a physical and sexual affair, because there were no repercussions for him the first few times. Bullshit could he not handle the guilt. He was testing the waters, and seeing how far you would forgive him.
To him, she is more important than you.
To him, she is more important than you.
To your husband, who made you a vow, this woman is more important than you.
There’s really no redemption for him from that point. He is clearly showing that she is more important to him than you because he refuses to care about your feelings, and he’s actively emotionally aggressive towards you when you confide in him that you have insecurities and issues about this woman. He is gaslighting you about how he sees her as one of the guys or just a friend – this Joey is right: if that were true, why isn’t he seeing her on a guys’ night out or a group. They are having sex. In his car, in the wood, on a hike, at her’s, in your goddamn front car seat…. It’s happening.
This is nothing to do with him being unsocial, or young, or naive, or inexperienced. He’s a full grown man with a full social life, and he is CHOOSING ANOTHER WOMAN OVER YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN.
I still see completely that you are in denial, you don’t want it to be true. But how much longer are you going to put up with this disrespect, and these attacks on your basic sanity?AnchrigeGuest
Your husband doesn’t love you.
No husband who loves his wife would insist on hurting his partner as much as he hurt you, for a man or a woman.
Any man who loves his wife would be hurt by the fact that he was causing his wife hurt.
Love yourself. Because your husband does not. Love yourself, and get out. You are so young – as younger than most people are when they marry for the first time. You can find a man who actually loves you, and actually experiences genuine guilt and pain when they cause you pain. As a basic minimum.Miss MJParticipant
Tina, you answered your own question – it doesn’t make sense why someone who
Loves you would act like this because this isn’t love. He doesn’t love you. Why does he stay and say they literal bare minimum to keep you around and tied up in knots? Convenience. He likes having someone to cook, clean, keep things in order and to have sex with when he wants. Also, since you’re doing all that and he’s doing whatever he wants, it’s not worth the trouble to him to get a divorce. SIt’s not because he loves you or values you. He’s shown you that. You are worth more than this. Please, please, please don’t waste another 10 years on this guy. There are so many better men out there.EssieParticipant
“ How can he tell me he loves me and be affectionate, and marry me and be with me for 10 years and yet not care when I’m in pain? ”
My friend’s husband was married to her for twenty years. When she suspected he was cheating with his “friend,” he told her he loved her and would never leave her, this woman was just a friend, nothing was going on, etc, etc, etc.
He told her that over and over again, right up until the day he told her he was divorcing her.FYIGuest
I went through a weird, long period in my life when I was acting like an unpaid counselor to a few people. Almost always, they were obsessed with some jackass and couldn’t let go, and I would spend a ton of MY time and energy repeating obvious truths over and over and over and over.
What did they do with all of that? Didn’t listen (at all), kept right on obsessing, and got mad when I refused to be sucked dry any further. And, yes, I discovered that one of them was lying all along.
So, I’m out. Have fun, Tina. Whether you’re trolling, or lying, or really this stubborn/helpless, I still wish you the best.anonymousseParticipant
You’re starting to just seem more and more pathetic. I’m sorry for being so harsh, but it’s true. When you told him, it’s me or her, he told you he wanted a divorce. He’s already chosen her.
Where’s the line? Do you need to catch him in the act? Would that be enough? Or would he just need to explain that it wasn’t what it seemed like, they were just playing naked twister? Would that convince you?
We’ve talked through all these pointless circles over and over again. The bottom line is he is a selfish, narcissistic asshole who does not care about you, your feelings, your loved ones or your life. He doesn’t want the same things in life that you do! You want children. He doesn’t. You want monogamy, and to be the most important person in his life. You are not.
You’re so young. You can leave and have a great life. But you have to stop being a naive, helpless woman and stake out on your own. He’s clearly not going to put you out of your own misery (metaphorically.) Do you have friends? Have you talked about this with them?
Is this really the same Tina who pays all the bills and home improvements but doesn’t have her name on the deed? Did you actually get your name on it or not?
Stop investing in a losing game. Your losing, Tina. He’s already moved on.
If he loved you, and you said, “Please stop spending time with her outside of work.” He would. He would cut the friendship off, even if it was just friendship- because your marriage is more important. This proves he doesn’t love you.
Remember when he said he wasn’t going to see her, and you caught him at that bakery or whatever? You know he’s lying. Stop lying to yourself at least. Don’t let another decade go by where you are unhappy and not getting what you want and need.
I’m sorry you’re in a shitty relationship with a man who cheats on you and doesn’t love you. It doesn’t have to be this way. You are the only one who can change your situation.GIGuest
Just stop, can you please just stop with all this…you know what is going on and you have asked multiple times under different names on what to do. You lie that it isn’t you and it must be someone else. You lie about this and that, can you just stop! Seriously! Your degree has nothing to do with how smart you are…because you apparently are being an ***** (place whatever word you want here).
How many times do want people to tell you the same thing over and over. This is beyond ridiculous. And don’t say I don’t know how these things work, oh honey I do. I have been there through hell and back, just like the majority, if not everyone on here has.
So get out of your self pity party, pull those fucking big girl panties on and actually do something instead of this poor is me shit.
I’m sorry but all of your denial throughout this is just pathetic. I know that is harsh (very harsh), but you are not going to get a virtual hug from me saying “now, now it’ll be ok; want a glass of wine?”
Today, today is your day to say stop to this insanity that it is, what are you waiting for? There is no white knight to save you, no special ingredient that will solve the world’s problem.
Stop, get out of your head and actually live and do what you want.
I’m sorry, but I’ve lived through my own disasters (personal and nature) and am now dealing with this pandemic for my company. So, stop. If you want someone to talk to, do telehealth. If you want to vent or plan your I’m outta here strategy the do that; but for the love of god, take off your damn rose color glasses, stop drinking the Kool-Aid and be an adult.HelenGuest
Tina, at this point I’m assuming he’s not leaving you because it financially benefits him to not divorce you. Call a lawyer and a consular. Take extra steps to protect yourself because he’s a cop. But even if you get screwed in the divorce, being free of this jackhole will be worth it. Absolutely do not get pregnant by him!!!!! That will make your life so much harderbloodymediocrityParticipant
Tina – I get why this is so hard for you. I really do.
You have invested a great deal into this relationship. You have emotionally supported this man. You think you understand him deeper than anyone else. You see his flaws and think because you see the reasons behind them (his abusive father, his stressful job, etc.) that his abusive tendencies actually bring you more intimacy.
You’ve invested financially in the relationship, without care as to if the scales are balanced or not.
You’ve invested a great deal of time and emotional energy into making this work.
How could you have done this for a man you love so much, if he doesn’t love you back? If you feel this, then certainly, he must feel it to, on some level, right?
Well, no. He doesn’t. How is this possible?
Relationships are a series of exchanges, and they are never truly balanced. Over the years, we have hardships and rough patches, but it should more or less even out.
In this relationship, you have been the primary investor, and he has been the taker. You have put all of your energy, time, and even money into this relationship. You have invested so much that you’re basically bankrupt. He has all of your energy, and he’s not doing the bare minimum requirements to keep things up.
You’re over here literally begging for scraps, looking everywhere that you’re going to get some kind of return on investment. Meanwhile, what is he doing? He’s going to couple’s counseling after you dragged him there. He’s continuing to go out with his “friend” E V E R Y W E E K E N D while we’re a fucking G L O B A L P A N D E M I C. That is N U T S.
You need to recognize that you’ve been swindled here. You’re not getting this time, energy, labor, or love back. You are getting the bare minimum scraps, and that’s what you will continue to get.bloodymediocrityParticipant
You ask the question what would it take for him to prove that he’s invested in this relationship. I will do my best to answer that question.
He needs to accept that he can’t see his “friend” as often as he wants. One day out of every weekend is too much. That’s a lot for anybody, but especially absurd with his history of cheating. He needs to be willing to spend more time working on his relationship with her, and put in distance with his “friendship”. Any time he gets together with her, you need to be invited as well. You don’t have to go every time, but it needs to be a standing invite.
He needs to take action to show that he’s committed to this relationship for the long haul. You need to be on leases, you need financial transparency. You need your name on checks and stamps and whatever else.
He needs to end anything even starting to remotely resemble emotional abuse. He needs to believe everything you tell him. He needs to stop gaslighting you when you tell him that you’re hurt (such as by saying you’re being controlling). Every word that comes out of his mouth needs to be kind and loving. He needs to listen when you’re upset and he needs to acknowledge and respect your feelings. Every. Single. Time.
Does any of this even sound remotely possible with him?
Even if he did do all of this (which, spoiler alert, he won’t), there’s still the “kids” issue, which even in a truly even and loving relationship is still divorce-worthy.golfer.galGuest
Jesus. Fucking. Christ. No, the reason he doesn’t want to cut ties with her isn’t because he’s “too embarrassed” and his ego couldn’t handle it. He’s refusing to cut ties with her because he’s romantically involved with her and he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t give a fuck if it hurts you. Stop assigning motives to him that he doesnt have to make this situation seem more palatable.
No, he’s not “embarrassed” to invite you along. He doesn’t want you there because you’ll dampen the sexy time, and he’s likely fed her a load of classic cheater bullshit about what a cold, unfeeling harpy you are and that your marriage has been dead for years, and you coming along all loving and kind is going to blow his lies. Also, those lines about how weird it would be if you invited him out with your friends? That’s called gaslighting. It’s a term we’ve already explained to you and told you to research. He’s saying that to make you doubt your own feelings and intuition. He’s trying to discourage you from asking for something he knows damn well is perfectly reasonable by making you feel like there’s something wrong with you for wanting it in the first place.
If you don’t think he’s cheating, then, great!! Then WHAT THE FUCK are you doing coming back here? Seriously, that’s not rhetorical it’s an actual question. If you genuinely believe nothing is going on then why are we here? The answer is that you know deep down he is, and even if he’s not physically cheating (but he is) he’s literally cast you aside for this woman, doesnt give a fuck about your feelings, and is generally an incredibly callous person.
You’ve brought up over and over having a child as if that is even an option. HE’S TOLD YOU NO. HE’S TOLD YOU HE DOESNT WANT KIDS. Bringing an unwanted child into an abusive marriage where the abuser has already peaced out to his mistress is unthinkable. It’s actually frightening.