How do I stay, How do I leave

[bloodymediocrity]

I know I’ve said a lot here, but I’ve largely ignored the “he’s clearly sleeping with her point” and it does really need to be driven home.

Survey time –

Have you ever had a platonic friend that you liked being around so much that you absolutely had to see them not only on the job but every weekend that you weren’t sleeping with?

Has anyone ever had a platonic friend that they absolutely had to see every weekend?

[anonymousse]

Never.

[Bittergaymark]

I have. But then I also had a crazy crush on the platonic friend —- who was VERY straight.

[Essie]

Like Mark, only with platonic friends that I had very non-platonic feelings for.

[Tina]

I agree and I’ve said this. He justifies seeing her by telling me that we are with each other every single day.
He sees her more every other weekend. Not every weekend but he tells me it’s because I restrict him. He says he wants to normalize his friendship with her. That he wants to be able to get together with her more fluidly. The other shitty part is that when I convey my feelings about something involving a hang-out with his “friend” he tells me that’s why he lies. To “avoid the headache” and “see this is what you are getting yourself into. I am just going to have to lie about it”.
You guys, I am seeking a counselor. To be honest coming on here again and again as I’m battling this gives me really deep strength and the courage I need to take that next step. Trust me I have been taking steps it’s just hard to convey on here.

[Kate]

Not since I was a kid have I had a friend I had to hang out with every weekend. Not as an adult. Those people were my BOYFRIENDS and spouses.

[Essie]

Tina, what he’s doing is classic abusive behavior. Google “gaslighting.” He’s trying to make you believe it’s all your fault.

And don’t bother posting any excuses for his behavior. He’s not doing this because he had a difficult childhood. Or because he doesn’t understand what he’s doing. He’s a selfish, manipulative jerk, and what he wants comes first.

It’s not just that he’s hurting you. He’s *purposefully* hurting you, and then compounding the hurt by telling you it’s your fault.

[golfer.gal]

Tina, every post you put up makes the situation sound worse, not better. Again, classic gaslighting and purposely destroying your self esteem. There is no such thing as normalizing a friendship, wtf. He’s been seeing her for the better part of year and he’s lying when he says he’s going to back off. Which, of course he is, he told you he lies to you.

Why are you staying with a man who openly tells you he’s lying to you? Everything, the very foundation of your marriage, is destroyed. He’s told you he wants you to leave. He is doing the absolute bare minimum paying occasional lip service to loving you (then contradicting it with his words and actions) and hanging out with you when it suits him. Why? As others have said, a maid, a cook, a housekeeper, a warm body for sex. He’s gaslighting and shutting you down about this woman because, when you step out of your convenient warm body role, you aren’t worth dealing with anymore. It’s great you’re seeking therapy but we gave you an entire list of steps to take to start the divorce process and you need to find the courage to start doing those. This horse has been dead so long it’s bone dust and you’re still beating it.

[anonymousse]

You’re not battling anything, you’re holding on to a lie. Screw a counselor, seek a divorce lawyer!

[Helen]

Survey answer: nope. If I’m seeing someone every week we’re fucking. My husband’s best friend is a woman. We both fuck her occasionally lol
I’m using harsh (truthful) language because I’m trying to break through to you Tina. If I told my husband I wasn’t comfortable with his best friend of 20 years, who just gave us $500 without us asking (she really did!) He would drop her immediately. I’m the center of his world & he’s the center of mine. We’re 100% honest with each other and he would never go somewhere I wasn’t invited!! Never have I not been invited

[MaltaKano]

Tina, you can do this!

For argument’s sake, let’s just say he’s not sleeping with her or interested in sleeping with her – if he loved YOU, he’d want to spend time with you two together. He’d be inviting her over to have dinner with you or organizing double dates. He wouldn’t think of spending time with his wife as a chore and something he needs to escape from by running off with another friend. The comments he’s making about spending “enough” time with you are divorce-worthy in themselves. Yes, we all need space and independent friendships, but I PROMISE it doesn’t look like this.

Case study: I had a married friend I was tight with. We worked together all day, then went rock climbing a few evenings a week. Both he and I made damn sure his wife was comfortable with how much time we spent together. She wasn’t into climbing, but she had a standing invitation. Anything like dinner or drinks usually involved his wife. Not because he had to – because he liked spending time with his wife! She was thrilled he had an outlet for his hobby and saw her own friends those evenings. It never felt like he and I had a friendship outside of his marriage- it felt like I was being included in THEIR social world they built together.

When a relationship is secure, you’ll be pushing your partner out the door to socialize and have that outlet. But your husband’s previous infidelities have destroyed any security. Instead of learning from his mistakes and working to earn your trust, he’s blaming you for your very normal, healthy feelings. You can’t just “be cool” about this, because he hasn’t been cool about it. He isn’t putting you first. You deserve to be first, Tina!

[Tina]

Thank you everyone.
He is going for another hike with her tomorrow so I will re read all these posts to keep my strength going.
Still not invited.

[Author]

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