- This topic has 88 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by marie.
golfer.galApril 17, 2020 at 7:24 am #880607
Tina, of course you aren’t. That isn’t going to change. We’re beating our heads against a wall telling you the obvious over and over. You need to either
1. Accept things as they are now, cheating, gaslighting, abuse and all
Coming here for “strength” every time he sees his mistress isn’t healthy. We’ve told you everything you need to know. I for one dont have the capacity to keep supporting someone who refuses to make healthy decisions for themselves or listen to the good advice I’ve given. You need help beyond what we can provide. Have you found a therapist? Talked to a lawyer? My guess is no
Jesus Tina- aren’t you tired of this? I’m tired of reading about it, I can’t imagine how absolutely bloodsucking this must be to experience it all, everyday. Knowing your husband is dating and fucking another woman, not even behind your back. Right in your face.
What stopped you from just showing up, on their hike?
Find a better therapist and contact a lawyer, FFS.GiApril 17, 2020 at 5:49 pm #880667
I was actually going to just copy and paste my previous reply. But you know what, do this:
Pack up a weeks worth of clothes, gather your important paperwork, go buy a damn good bottle (or two or three) of wine, grab some good books or magazines. If you do projects, like knit or crochet grab the material. Grab some nail polish and face treatments for a spa day. I don’t care just grab anything you want or need.
Then go get a f’ing hotel room (do it when he is on this hike), even if it is for the weekend or a week and enjoy yourself. Do something for you and to get your mind of this f up situation. Then also think of what you want now and in the future and make your plan, write the damn plan down and put dates to it.
Don’t tell him where you are at but you can say you are safe and need some time, just like he needs time.
Then call a lawyer and start getting your shit in order.
I know hotels in most places (maybe not yours) are actually having come stay with us to get the space you need from everyone in your house so you don’t go crazy.
Now if you can’t because it is completely unsafe for you then plan a day for you when he does his stupid selfish hike and say f you to him. Stop enabling him and his needs and stop being so damn co-dependent…you are not getting anywhere and you need to say enough is enough; this weekend is for me.
Then I want you to reflect on how good it was to concentrate on your needs and your wants. I want you to put him out of you thoughts and consume everything about you.
We are not providing you strength we are just an outlet for you and only you can find the strength. Because honey, if we have been providing strength you would have left this deadbeat long ago and would be writing in on how do I date after a divorce.EmilyApril 21, 2020 at 8:52 pm #881093
Definitely don’t have a child with him. The red flag is there. You will only regret not heeding it’s warning. Divorce is no big deal before kids.marieApril 24, 2020 at 1:43 pm #881407
Oh my goodness. Tina: I repeat what every single commentator has said to you. I repeat and stress to you the word denial and also that your writing in here rather than taking action is your way of getting your fix, rather than taking healthy action. This is not love you are in; this is not love your husband is showing you; in recovery talk you have made this man your Higher Power. Nothing changes until you change, and this is good freeing news . Rather than write for advice and respond with yeah buts and what ifs, take some loving action for yourself. Think of it as a simple responsibility such as chewing your own food and nourishing yourself with nutrition—-something only you can do for yourself; something you have to/GET to do for yourself. Substitute different actions: packing up his stuff or yours. Yeah there is a pandemic but he’s right now exposing you, and you are allowing yourself to be exposed. I would suggest packing up his stuff since he has a place to stay (with her—-there is no boyfriend), but the smartest thing to do is for you to pack your own stuff. If there has been any other abuse (besides that which you recount and deny), unfortunately police officers are statistically often difficult to leave/escape; and you don’t need to “leave”; you need to ESCAPE. There is a good life for you waiting, and I will keep you in my heart and prayers that you take steps to claim that.