How do I tell friend about the aro/ace spectrum?

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  • June
    April 20, 2023 at 1:30 am #1119735

    I’m 15yrs old, nonbinary, asexual & biromantic.
    I’ve come out to my family but not my friends, and I’m going to come out as nonbinary & bi during the summer (I’ll save ace for when I have a partner). Truthfully, yhis isn’t the biggest thing in my life. I’m AFAB, use she/they pronouns so I’m not misgendered and I’m not dating a girl. But I do want to get this off my chest.

    I have a friend, let’s call her Daisy. She’s a few years behind us, and as far as I know, straight. However awhile ago she told me she’s never romantically liked anyone. I think she could be on the aro/ace spectrum.
    She’s supporting of the lgbtqa+ community but not someone who knows all the different orientations and genders, and I don’t think she knows about aromanticism or asexuality.
    I don’t know if for sure she is aromantic or asexual (or both) and I wouldn’t want to force a label onto her, I just want to tell her what it means, and if she thinks she could be on the spectrum and wants to figure that out, that is hers to figure out. If she isn’t aroace, that’s fine, but she should have the chance to learn about it.
    I don’t know how to tell her. I was thinking of making a slideshow explaining all the letters in lgbtqa, which would lead to my coming out, but most of my friends don’t like queers being ‘so extravagant when it comes to self-expression’ and I want to keep everything on a good note. Should I do that?

    A few extra notes:
    – I do have social anxiety
    – I am too scared to tell her about aroace openly
    – I don’t want to come out as ace yet
    – I don’t want to talk about being aroace to her face. I already am the most well-informed person on lgbtqa identities, and I’d rather not be outed until the big batch if graduating homophobes and transphobes have left (that are graduating this year)
    advice?

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    Anonymousse
    April 20, 2023 at 6:34 am #1119737

    I don’t think you should tell her about the sexuality spectrum because you’re 14, and she’s younger than you. She’ll figure herself out, just as you are.

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    Lucidity
    April 20, 2023 at 8:23 am #1119738

    Is this the overwhelming friendship that you talk about on your other post?

    It’s not unusual to not have had romantic feelings for someone by age 14, and if she is aro/ace, she’ll figure that out about herself without necessarily knowing official terminology. If she gets curious, I presume she can access the internet. If she talks to you about it again, you could casually say “hey, I’ve heard some people don’t ever feel those feelings, it’s called being aromatic/asexual, maybe google it and see if the descriptions speak to you.” Don’t make a slideshow.

    What’s with this: “most of my friend don’t like queers being ‘so extravagant when it comes to self-expression’”? Gross. Think about stepping back from these friendships and making friends with people who aren’t homophobes.

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    Lucidity
    April 20, 2023 at 8:25 am #1119741

    Whoops, sorry, I missed that she’s a few years behind you, and you’re 15. So she’s what, 13? Even less surprising she’s never had romantic feelings. I’d really just leave it. She can learn more by googling or talking to friends if and when she gets more curious.

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    Anonymousse
    April 20, 2023 at 9:09 am #1119742

    She said in one of her other posts that she’s 14.

    Don’t assume someone is ace or asexual just because at 13, 12, 11 they haven’t had sexual feelings, or at least haven’t TOLD you so. Not everyone is ever going to be completely honest with you. I would go so far as to say, assume some people want some degree of privacy about their sex life.

    I do think you are overstepping if you take it upon yourself to tell her what you are assuming about her and then educating her. It’s none of your business. You need to MYOB more, just as you’d want your…say, parents, to mind their own business, right?

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Avatar photoDear Wendy.
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    Anonymousse
    April 20, 2023 at 9:09 am #1119743

    Sorry, that was me, not Lucidity. I guess the weird non login thing happened and I didn’t see it?

    Sorry, Lucidity.

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    Avatar photo
    April 20, 2023 at 9:20 am #1119746

    I’m sorry the weird login thing keeps happening. My developer has looked into this multiple times and can’t find the issue; he says everyone should clear their caches.

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    Avatar photo
    April 20, 2023 at 9:28 am #1119748

    June, considering your own issues – especially around figuring out your own identity and how and when to come out to people – you needn’t be worrying yourself with anyone else’s identity and their path to discovering who they are. It’s not your job to show them the possibilities and help them determine which label best fits them. It’s wonderful that young people have so much more freedom than older generations – like mine – did to figure out and express who they are, but sometimes I think that’s made them a little label-obsessed. It’s like you’re all in a rush to figure out which box you fit into. Your friend will figure out who she is and who and what and whether she’s attracted to others or not in time. You all are so young; you’ve got nothing but years and years to figure this stuff out and to evolve and develop as you mature. What a wonderful journey to be on! Just let it unfold on its own. No slideshows necessary.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Avatar photoDear Wendy.
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    April 20, 2023 at 10:15 am #1119752

    And just in general, this isn’t the kind of conversation to have unless somebody specifically asks you your advice / opinion. ANYTHING personal like this, I can think of tons of examples.

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    April 20, 2023 at 5:48 pm #1119761

    I concur with everyone else. This is not your conversation to have with this person.

    I’m more replying because the issue with the site entering login seems to be worsening. Before I logged in the, name field not only populated “@Anonymousse”, it actually seemed to populate her Email Address? I can’t confirm that without publishing the email address that came up, but I thought I would bring it up since it seems like a pretty big security concern.

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    June
    April 20, 2023 at 6:08 pm #1119763

    To clarify, me and Lyn are not the same person. We are both in group therapy session together, and she let me use her email.

    Thanks for the advice everyone, and yeah, I’ll leave it alone for now. It’s hers to figure out, not mine.

    Lucidity – she’s 13 (turning 14 in a month)
    I would, I just don’t want to attract any drama. My best friends are their friends, and I wouldn’t want to loose my best friends.

    Reply
    June
    April 20, 2023 at 6:08 pm #1119764

    To clarify, me and Lyn are not the same person. We are both in group therapy session together, and she let me use her email.

    Thanks for the advice everyone, and yeah, I’ll leave it alone for now. It’s hers to figure out, not mine.

    Lucidity – she’s 13 (turning 14 in a month)
    I would, I just don’t want to attract any drama. My best friends are their friends, and I wouldn’t want to loose my best friends.

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How do I tell friend about the aro/ace spectrum?

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