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Dear Wendy

How do I work with an emotional girlfriend?

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  • #963030 Reply

    So my family calls me cold, a robot, says I’m going to die alone, stuff like that because I am almost totally emotionless and have only had one goal in life until recently; graduate college and get a job. Well… now I have a decent job in my field, it’s a good start in my career as an animator, and I’m only 23.

    Now I’ve had a long distance girlfriend for three years (somehow???) and I’m still not sure if being with her is where I want to take life next. She is my complete opposite.
    I am tall, thin, love dresses and makeup, am confident on the outside and don’t remember the last time I cried. She is extremely masculine in appearance, cries over just about every emotion from happy to frustrated. I have never dealt with someone so emotional before but my parents like her a lot and keep encouraging me to stay with her so I can “learn to be a little more human”.

    Anyone else have experience like this? Can being around someone overwhelmingly emotional change me or will I just be continuously irritated by what I currently think is unnecessary emotion if I actually move in with her? If it’s not possible and I’m just going to be numb for good then I’ll need to let her down gently.

    #963031 Reply

    You two arent a good fit, and there’s no reason to keep going with this if you’ve been long-distance for years and have no plans to relocate. Just break up with her. It’s the right thing to do. You don’t need to “let her down gently,” you just need to break up.

    Btw, all that commentary about physical appearances is weird. You don’t seem to have any idea what makes two people “work” in a relationship. That’s ok, but you need more experience in order to figure that out. This current thing you have going isn’t doing either of you any favors.

    #963033 Reply

    I don’t understand why you listed your differences in appearance, either. That doesn’t make you better than her. There are all types of people in the world. Why have you stayed with her for three years if her emotions are too much for you? And your family sounds super judgmental. Who cares if you’re less emotional? That can be a very good thing for some.

    If you’re annoyed by her, you shouldn’t move in with her. You probably shouldn’t be dating her if she annoys you so much. You should date people in hopes they will change you. If you want to become more human or emotional, you can try to do that on your own.

    Are you really numb, emotionless or inhuman? Or do you just keep it inside? Those seem like really harsh ways of describing yourself. Have you considered seeing a therapist? They can help you figure out your issues with emotion. They can also help you figure out how to be more emotional, maybe?

    #963037 Reply

    You shouldn’t date someone just because your family wants you to. Do you want to be with this person exactly how she is, and exactly how you are? Have you dated anyone local before? A long distance relationship has its limits. You’ll learn much more about people and relationships from someone you can be with in person.

    You mentioned being in college. Look into the therapy they offer. Either your family is overreaching and judgemental or you really are struggling to connect with others. Some time with a therapist can help you figure it out

    #963065 Reply

    The only nice thing you say about your girlfriend is that “your family likes her”. That’s telling.

    This relationship ran it’s course a long time ago. It’s time to move on.

    #963072 Reply

    Being driven by ambition is an emotion. Being overwhelmed by an emotional girlfriend is an emotion. Why don’t you recognize your emotions? Don’t identify so much with your family patterns – so reductive and inaccurate!

    It is common to be attracted by your “opposite” – or so you think. In fact you project a part of yourself on the other, who acts that part out for you. But here it doesn’t seem to work because it is so extremely unbalanced.
    You have still a lot of self-exploration to do, and if you are 23 and well-advanced in your career (good for you!, enjoy!), you have also a lot to discover in terms of dating and love relationship. I suggest a training about emotion management (you could start by reading Antonio Damasio, the big specialist on that field), or a class on affective studies, or any personal development focused on emotions, or a personal or group therapy. Or drama class? Meanwhile, put an end to your relationship and date as an experience.

    #963075 Reply

    By the way, being in a good relationship means making each other happy. If your GF cries all the time and you feel helpless: well, this is the opposite.

    #963125 Reply

    I can honestly relate to you a lot. I’ve been really detached from my emotions for a really long time and have only recently started learning more abot them. Which sounds kinda dumb but true

    Having someone i really trust helped me a lot and it just so happens that they are my polar opposite too.

    They are much more emotional than me and I’ve come to understand how i feel because of it. I’ve learnt a lot from them

    Venting and talking about the most little, unimportant things helped me a lot and the things that i didn’t notice were bothering me became something i go into like intense monologues about.

    Though if you two have been togeather for three years already and you still quite can’t deal with outbursts, i understand. Not to mention that you’re long distance
    I’d try talking to her about stuff that’s annoying to you, like, for starters how your parents think ur a robot and you wish you could experience more intense emotions (sorry if i jumped to that conclusion, i just had the same happen to me and this is what i did), i feel like she’d understand because she reacts storongly.

    Try faking it till u make it, but if it doesn’t work, and you just continue to feel irritated about it, maybe you should call it quits

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