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How do you handle the flirty woman in your husband’s friend group…

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  • #886255 Reply
    avatarWideyedcookie
    Guest

    My husband has a group of friends (not his closest but he has known them for a long time) that we hang out with several times, 3-4 times a year before the pandemic (but he’s in contact more often with one or two people in the group). During this shelter-in-place time, they meet online every couple of weeks, which my husband has been attending.
    There’s a woman in this group who I don’t really mind most times, but sometimes, I just don’t know how to handle. She is married to one of the other guys, but I guess you could say she likes attention. When we’ve hung out before, she would come over to speak to my husband and talk about her sex life. It’s not that she does this just with my husband though. She’s one of those center-of-attention people and when telling her stories, she would sometimes do things like show her underwear to everyone or describe her vagina detail. There was a time she took my husband’s camera playfully and took pictures of herself, of course doing duck faces and poses (not overly sexy but you can probably imagine). My husband kept the pictures but he says that he keeps pictures of many of his other friends (true I guess). This one, I don’t know if she does the same with everyone. Last week, they had an online meetup. People were asking how I was so he called me over to say hi. I hung out a bit, and at some point, she starts focusing her camera on her cleavage and jiggling em, pulling her shirt down so you could almost see her boobs. She was saying she wanted to show everyone her tan lines.
    I was upset after, mainly because it bothers me and felt so stuck that there’s nothing I can do about it. Why does it bother me? Insecurity, the fact that I grew up in a culture where all these would be considered vulgar, and disrespectful to the women whose husbands are in the group (of course, idk if it bothers them, I am not personally friends with them).
    I was not going to tell my husband, but he usually notices when I’m upset. I told him why, and that I was not asking him to do anything but that I was just sharing what I was upset about because he asked. He tells me he has no interest in her and doesn’t find her attractive.
    Anyone has any advice for me on how to feel better about this? I am telling myself to just ignore it, but it’s easier said than done.

    #886256 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Ignore her. Interesting that her husband is in the group. If she goes too far and he’s upset, presumably he’ll complain. The woman isn’t flirting with your husband one on one, this appears to all be in a friend group setting, and you say she flirts with all the men. I’d believe your husband that you have nothing to worry about and are just being overly insecure and jealous. From some of your comments, part of your issue may be from having grown up in a more conservative culture. She does seem to push boundaries at time, but it is not your role to deal with this.

    #886257 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Can you not see her as pathetic? That kind of behavior is so needy and desperate that it’s just sad. I can’t imagine feeling threatened by someone like that. I’d feel sorry for her.

    Or, to put it another, blunter, way: you must not think very much of you husband if you think he’d hop in bed with any woman who flashes her cleavage.

    #886259 Reply
    avatarWideeyedcookie
    Guest

    Hop into bed wha? YOU hopped like 100 miles away from where I am so let’s not go there. My question was purely about my reaction to this, I understand that. I do not expect everyone to understand what I feel, but I appreciate that everyone comes from different backgrounds and feel differently about certain things, and I am always respectful to them, just fyi 🙂

    #886260 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I was just trying a little shock treatment there, to get you to see where your line of thought was going. Sometimes it helps to break these thought patterns we get stuck on if we can see them as silly.

    If you don’t think he’s attracted to her, if you know he wouldn’t cheat with her…then there’s no reason to waste any emotional energy on her, right? She’s a poor sad thing and no threat to you.

    #886261 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I think it’s weird he’d let her have his phone and keep the gross pictures she took.

    Other than that, yeah she sounds pretty pathetic and desperate for attention. I would just ignore her as much as possible.

    #886262 Reply
    avatarWideeyedcookie
    Guest

    Thank you everyone for your responses. I think I really just needed to hear that I was being silly about this. It probably also had to do with the frustration that on the one hand, I want to hang out with his friends, but then there’s someone there I can’t stand sometimes. Also, some kind of irritation from knowing that I’m the one that needs to change and deal with it when it’s her behavior that’s not cool, at least in my eyes. Whelp, I guess that’s life.

    #886265 Reply
    avatarGuest
    Guest

    In those examples you gave, I’d be turning the other way to roll my eyes and biting my tongue to suppress my laughter. I agree with everyone; she seems pathetic, desperate, and attention-needy….none of these are attractive qualities in a person, regardless of how attractive she thinks her body parts are.
    This part: “she would sometimes do things like show her underwear to everyone or *describe her vagina detail*” – just ewww.

    #886267 Reply
    TheLadyETheLadyE
    Participant

    I agree that the phone thing is weird. Why would he keep the pictures?

    Also, it’s super immature and needy to take another married man’s phone and take pictures like that with it. I agree, she seems to want attention and be very over the top and needy. I had a “friend” like that a couple of years ago and we stopped being friends for several reasons but mostly I just couldn’t take the hypersexualization and constant need for attention anymore. It’s warped.

    If I were you, it would bother me too. Hopefully if she goes too far, her husband will say something or put a stop to it. The best thing to do is continue to talk to your husband and work on your own feelings of insecurity. She’s no threat to you.

    #886268 Reply
    avatarKelly
    Guest

    I think I’d be feeling sorry for her rather than be worried, she sounds very insecure and letting her become a focus of your thoughts is exactly what she wants because it is giving her attention she so obviously seems to be craving so don’t give her the satisfaction. Also no you do not need to change because how you feel is a rational normal response. Some people do have a natural outward innocent flirtatious nature and some people act a way to get attention or a reaction. If your husband has known her for a long time he probably just knows her nature and thinks nothing of her acting that way in the way you see it and if it was a group video call then it weren’t just him she was jiggling her boobs too it was everyone else on the call too. If there was anything untoward going on your husband would be hiding all of the behaviour of hers that has been worrying you and he doesn’t seem to be doing that. You don’t have to pretend you like someone just because they are your husbands friend and there is nothing wrong with saying that to him, or even her if she ever does cross a line.
    Sometimes the over thinking and paranoia can fester and be unhealthy and I know it’s hard but try not to let someone who isn’t worth it consume your thoughts and effect your life she doesn’t deserve and is too insignificant to warrant being in your thoughts at all.

    #886269 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Honestly, the describing her vagina detail is bizarre.

    Yes, she’s being strange and in a perfect world she wouldn’t behave that way but the only person you can control is yourself. So roll your eyes, laugh, ask your husband to delete the photos and don’t let her occupy your thoughts too much. Maybe avoid his friend group chats?

    #886282 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I wouldn’t waste any of your precious headspace worrying about this woman’s behavior.

    I do think it’s reasonable to ask your husband not to encourage her behavior if and when they again hang out in person. It’s reasonable to ask him to shut her down and walk away if she approaches him one on one to talk about her vagina or show him her boobs. I mean, he should do that anyway. It’s reasonable to ask him not to keep her duckface selfies in his camera because it makes you uncomfortable.

    But you don’t need to care about what she does or how she acts.

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