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Dear Wendy

How Long Before You Say I Love You?

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  • #334897 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I think, depending on the how much time has passed since the breakup…not much time, throwing it away is awkward (unless there’s serious rage involved.) but if it’s been a long time, leaving it on the parents doorstep. It is sort of a neutral spot, but it’s involving them in the situation a bit. My ex’s ex wife did that a few years after they broke up, while we were together. She cheated on him and they divorced. It was weird. And it was nothing he missed having. Just awkward.

    #334899 Reply

    hm, yeah I would, I’d probably give back most of the stuff immediately like during the break up or right after, but the few things that get left behind I would probably get rid of sooner than later, but I am the type of person that must delete every instance of a person from my life to get over them and like to cut all contact completely. I would probably give it longer than your ex did and do find it weird he did it right away, so maybe my earlier comment was just stupid? Anyways, I don’t think this is normal and it is kind of shitty and definitely shows a huge lack of emotional maturity ha so I am no authority on it.

    Er…@Portia I did the second thing…I gave a box to my first boyfriend of all of those things because I couldn’t stand to be around it. I wish I had it now…and I was only 20, and I didn’t just leave it I am pretty sure he was there when I dropped it off. IDK hindsight is 20/20, I returned all of the hundreds of postcards, love letters, poems, paintings and drawings that he made for me and I wish I had them now as little mementos of that time of my life.

    When my boyfriend and I broke up I was going to return a big gift that he got me and my roommate called me crazy and took it to store in her closet because she knew I would want it again, and thank god she did because that would have been awkward as shit when we got back together.

    #334901 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I have always dumped everything right after a break. I regret it a little, because sometimes it’d be nice to look at a picture…or card.but I also thinks it’s helped me move on faster. I did lug around taped up shoeboxes with hundreds of Polaroids of my years at art school with an ex… Never opened them until I tossed them.

    #334902 Reply
    othyothy
    Participant

    Ap – sucks that you guys broke up. At least you know it wasn’t going to work out now before he moved in.

    #334903 Reply
    avatarmemboard
    Participant

    Ok to toss old t-shirts but what should you do with Lightly Used Copper Pots?

    (ok running and ducking… 🙂 )

    #334907 Reply
    mylaraymylaray
    Participant

    My husband and I moved slow with everything. We didn’t kiss until the fourth or so date, and I was thinking he didn’t like me at all. But he had very little experience and wanted to wait until things felt right. We waited several months to have sex because he wanted to make sure he wanted a relationship with me and vice versa. So I felt in love with him in the first few months and it drove me crazy how quickly I fell for him. That never happened before. I knew he wasn’t quite there yet and I think he felt it at around 6 months, but we didn’t say the words ‘I love you’ until 2 years.

    We always showed how much we loved each other and would say things we loved about one another without actually saying the words. Part of it was both of us having issues being the first one to be vulnerable like that. But I also never really felt a need. I don’t feel much of a need to say it to most people since it was never said in my family. I have some family members that I barely know that will say ‘I love you’ on a phone call, and in my head, I’m thinking hmm okay, that’s great, but I don’t say it back because it wouldn’t really be true. My husband and I say it to each other all the time now, and it feels right.

    Looking back, I can’t imagine saying it to someone again before around a year or so. I felt lust and had feelings for my husband early on, but it wasn’t quite love yet. I think I just like to move slower. A friend of mine just got a really great job in another city and he and his girlfriend of a year decided to move together and I’m thinking whoa, I could not do that myself. But whatever works for them.

    #334908 Reply
    Addie PrayAddie Pray
    Participant

    I think how you say “I love you” with your family growing up really shapes how quickly you say it in relationships. In my family it’s said all the time. Even if we’re arguing on the phone, right before I hang up I’ll say, “love you, bye.” It isn’t a big deal at all, and in relationships I don’t understand why people get so hung up on it. Is the love after a month as meaningful after six months or a year or ten years or a whole life time? Of course not, but “I love you” doesn’t haven’t to mean “I love you and you’re my soul mate and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I think you know early on if you have loving feelings for someone, so why not say I love you! Well, I guess if the other person is not as lax with the L bombs as you, they could get scared off; that’s one good reason. But in general I just can’t wrap my head around why people take so long or why it’s such a big deal. … But I recognize it’s because of how the “I love yous” were dropped growing up. There, that’s my deep thought for the day.

    #334909 Reply
    Crochet.NinjaCrochet.Ninja
    Participant

    we said it all the time in my family too AP. even now, every phone call with any family member ends in that. my husband and i both say it when he drops me off for work, and right before we go to sleep. we say it all the time.

    #334910 Reply
    avatarK
    Guest

    It’s said very often in my family as well, and same here with my mom and I, we often will have arguments and then quickly end the call with a “love you bye”!

    #334911 Reply
    honeybeenickihoneybeenicki
    Participant

    @Crochet.Ninja – My husband and I both say it pretty frequently, but no matter what we ALWAYS say “I love you, good night” before we go to sleep. It doesn’t matter if we’ve been pissed at each other all day. We decided a long time ago that saying that was the only way to end our day (and the more morbid side of me thinks that if something happens, I would want that to be the last thing we’ve said to each other).

    #334912 Reply

    Yeah we are a family of I love you ers and my boyfriend is too, so its normal for most phone conversations to end that way, before we go to sleep we always say it, before we say goodbye etc. I once dated a guy who basically never grew up saying I love you and told me even if he felt that he loved someone, he would only say it one or two times,this was at a point where I was feeling like I did love him and really wanted to tell him, and he said he would never be the type to say I love you to someone frequently and not for many years in to a relationship. I knew I needed that and I knew he was serious, we had a really intense convo about it and its one of the main reasons we broke up, not that specifically but it indicated a general lack of compatibility. I would never be okay only hearing I love you once a year or a few times in my lifetime from someone I deeply loved.

    #334916 Reply
    avatarHmC
    Guest

    Sorry AP that things didn’t work out for you. 🙁 I was really pulling for you on this one, he sounded cool. And yeah between you and Dre and so many other women (myself included!) – WTF is up with guys RUSHING and then suddenly realizing, a couple months in, that they rushed? Why so little self awareness, and I why is it always guys I hear about doing this?

    I’ve talked about this issue before, and I don’t think it’s done with any malice (at least, not the guys I’m talking about). But it’s like.. what is it??? Like their hormones just drive them headfirst into the beginnings of a relationship so fast they don’t have a chance to think straight? When a guy did this to me it felt like the rug had been yanked from underneath me. And I was young and dumb and lacked the wisdom of you guys so I actually tried to keep in touch, ie. “be friends” which was just… yeah never do that. It amplified the humiliation to such an extent that is really the only aspect of that situation I regret. I wish I had just moved the eff alone IMMEDIATELY.

    Um yeah tangent! As far as I love yous, my husband said it after we had known each other a couple of months. But he cheated and tested the waters by saying he was “falling for” me. Then when I reciprocated, he said he loved me the next day. Lol wimp.

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