This topic contains 10 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Today 3 months, 1 week ago.
- June 3, 2019 at 1:23 pm #844609
I’ve been dating a guy for about 3 months, 2 of them exclusively. We have a great time when we meet up, and he does reach out to make plans. The problem is I only see him once maybe twice a week, and he doesn’t really text or chat on the phone in between either. This makes me feel disconnected and not like we are getting to know each other that well. When I talked to him about it, he apologized and said he’s just not a big texter and we will need to make more effort in planning dates in advance etc. He said he is definitely interested in pursuing a serious relationship and not looking to just date casually.
Is this pretty normal for the beginning stages? I’m used to guys who want to spend a lot more time with me, but this guy is a lot more reserved than the usual guys I date.
I do have a tendency to overanalyze instead of just enjoying things as-is, but I also don’t want to delude myself if I’m forcing something that isn’t there. I do also tend to stay in bad relationships too long.June 3, 2019 at 1:53 pm #844612
It depends – how old are you two, how far apart do you live? personally, I think twice a week is good at the beginning.. a lot, even. But I’m in my early 30s with a full time job and other social obligations. It takes time for two people to decide that they care about each other enough to carve out even more time together, and to maybe begin incorporating “you” (each other) into the other aspects of their lives. Arguably, you could say at the beginning you should be so head over heels as to do this naturally? but I think the way dating tends to work nowadays doesn’t allow that sort of hot-and-heavy-at-the-beginning progression; it may even be a red flag. As long as he otherwise seems into you and interested in seeing you more/progressing things, with the information I have, I think this is OK.June 3, 2019 at 1:59 pm #844613
It is super normal. Not everyone is tied up in their phones. Back in the “old days” before cell phones people called on a landlines. During those days you had people who didnt like talking on phones for long periods of time either. Its normal. Some people just arent into texting and chatting on their phones. It’s okay not to talk to someone every day. Since texting has existed we have had a social change in how we communicate which is expecting people to respond immediately or daily. People are so much more clingy. Seeing someone twice a week is very normal too. Assuming he is a working adult and has a life. Just relax and enjoying dating him. If you dont feel a spark or potential, move on.
June 3, 2019 at 3:29 pm #844619
- This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Poppy.
The texting isn’t anything bad, but it may be a compatibility issue if it’s something important to you that he just doesn’t like to do. As for the frequency, it depends a lot on careers, distance apart, age, etc.June 3, 2019 at 3:31 pm #844620
Do you reach out to make plans too? If you want to see him more, you could take the initiative.June 3, 2019 at 4:17 pm #844623
I don’t there is a normal amount of time spent together. Most couples end up doing what works best for them, depending on job demands, family situations, etc.
It does sound like you’re on a pretty common track for two adults who’ve been dating for a few months. It’s not like it is in college, where you’ve really got no demands on your time except classes and studying, so you can be on your phone all day and hang out together if you’re not in class. Adults get pulled in many different directions: career, family, friends, other activities like hobbies or volunteering. It can be tough to balance all of that and make time for a relationship too.June 3, 2019 at 5:30 pm #844626
Thanks everyone. We are in our 30s, so it makes sense that we have less time. We do live super close (walking distance) but that hasn’t made too much of a difference.
My last relationship was a 5 year relationship, so I have to remind myself that I can’t expect the same level of time commitment from someone I just met that I got from a long term relationship.
I haven’t reached out first to make plans too often since I’m aware that I want to see him more often than he wants to see me, so I’ve been letting him take the lead to respect his time/needs.June 3, 2019 at 6:03 pm #844628
If he’s said he would like to make more effort in planning dates in advance then I think that’s a decent cue to try and get a little more of his time as long as you don’t go crazy with it. Either he wants to see more of you or he doesn’t so don’t be scared, just take the leap. If he balks and pulls away more I think you have one of those ‘he’s just not that into you’ situations but better to know sooner rather than later.June 3, 2019 at 6:54 pm #844629
Also, it’s good to check in to see if your expectations are reasonable, but also “normal” is not always THAT important. People are saying this is normal, but at the same time, I think people would say it’s fairly normal if you two texted quite a bit in between. There’s a big range. In the beginning, I think that it’s good to be flexible, as long as both people seem interested, but at the same time, it also may ultimately indicate something about your compatibility. I think it’s something you’ll have to see how things go. The idea is that as you become a bigger part of of each other’s lives, you’d both sort of naturally be inclined to contact the other more or see each other more.
That said, to me, when you’re within walking distance, I don’t know that more advanced planning is necessarily the most effective solution. I could tell when I was becoming more serious with someone when we started getting together more casually (“Hey, I got off work early, are you free to meet up?”) than when we were putting more energy into making plans.June 3, 2019 at 7:05 pm #844630
If this is the only thing that bothers you, maybe try to be mindful that he’s just not a big texter and keep seeing him. You told him how you felt, and now he knows, right? See if things change a little bit.
I would also encourage you to reach out and plan dates, too. Don’t fall into the trap of pretending you will take his lead on everything. You should take the lead, too. If you’re “too much” and he can’t handle it or doesn’t like it, then you guys are not a match. You shouldn’t be holding back if you want to reach out more.
You don’t have to sit back and wait for him to want to see you. I hope that’s not what is happening.June 3, 2019 at 8:16 pm #844634
All good advice, thanks everyone. I’ll try to stop overthinking and just see how things go, and also take more of a lead on planning and not be so passive. I want to give it a chance and see if we are compatible.