Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How to approach a relationship without coming off “too perfect”?

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Viewing 9 posts - 13 through 21 (of 21 total)
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  • #1034855 Reply

    Based on all the responses I got, I guess it would be best if I focused on working on my issues in therapy for the time being.

    #1034856 Reply

    I’m so sorry you got such a raw deal. I’m sorry that you were conceived out of a very traumatic experience and I’m sorry your mom spent her and your life fighting her demons. I definitely think you should continue working with a therapist, or possibly find a new one.

    A couple of thoughts:

    1. You don’t need to let how you were conceived define you. I don’t believe in a “bad gene” so you are not that man. You’re approaching this from almost a “Dexter” perspective. Stop!

    2. By not telling someone this info. early, you aren’t duping them. You want to learn if they’re actually worthy of this information and if you want a real relationship. Any woman who’s the right partner wouldn’t be bothered by this info. It’s horrible that it happened, but it’s not who you are.

    #1034857 Reply

    The “real you” isn’t “a product of rape” though. Show them who you are *as a person*. And yeah, keep working on this in therapy. You’re playing out your relationship with your mom
    And you’re still very traumatized.

    #1034859 Reply

    Why would someone regret knowing you if they found that out?

    You have nothing to be ashamed, embarrassed or sorry for. It’s not that what your mother told you is embarrassing, and that’s why it’s bad to tell a date-it’s that it’s an incredibly heavy and personal story. You don’t share those with people you’ve just met and that you’re trying to show a nice time to. Telling people really personal stuff like that is a red flag for most people. It’s highly unusual to share things that private and dark so early.

    You need a new therapist. Don’t stay with the one you’ve been seeing, who hasn’t been able to help you see that supposedly being a product of rape isn’t the very core of who you are. Your mother was ill and I’m sorry you grew up believing who you are is a burden. She did you wrong. I hope can see that, forgive her and move on in your life.

    There is so much more to life than punishing yourself for something you had nothing to do with.

    #1034862 Reply

    I’m sorry to have written the “supposedly the product of rape,” that was not well though out. I guess when one grows up with such a false and negative view bestowed on them, I tend to question the basis for that. But that’s inappropriate to do and something I can’t know, so I apologize.

    #1034866 Reply

    When you say that you feel it would be dishonest not to disclose that right up front, you’re saying it’s a potential deal-breaker for someone. As if they should know upfront that they’re getting damaged goods or something. If I could shout this, I would: There’s no reason this should be a dealbreaker!!!! It’s not a mark against you! Or your mom! You still think it’s a shameful secret that must be disclosed, like a felony conviction on a job application. It’s not!!!

    You’re doing so well, really. I am so proud of you for getting therapy (not to sound patronizing) and dating and being open to feedback! Keep at it! I don’t agree that you need to stop dating until you get your shit all the way together. Just go slow, use birth control, go to therapy, and try to navigate life as best you can, just like ALL OF US have to do.

    We learn by doing. You don’t have to isolate yourself until you’re shame-free. None of us would date at all if that were the requirement!

    #1034869 Reply

    So I used to think I had to ‘disclose’ my past trauma early on (I was a victim of a kidnapping and rape when I was 13) and it weighed heavily on me – so much so that I was eventually hospitalized for PTSD. And now? I bring it up whenever I feel like it with partners or friends as I no long believe it’s something that must be disclosed like it’s so major dealbreaker. I honestly now have no idea which of my friends know what – I’ll think someone knows then I’ll say something and their reaction is WHAT?! And then I’ll casually and quickly give them the edited version and move on with my day. Therapy, therapy and more therapy for you!! You are NOT in a headspace yet to pursue a relationship and that’s completely okay!

    And as others have said your version of a ‘perfect’ boyfriend would be a HUGE turnoff for me. Never fighting isn’t a sign of a good relationship either – HOW you fight is. Good luck!

    #1034877 Reply

    When I conceived my son 21 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I’ve never shared that with my son because it has nothing to do with him. It means nothing. My son is wonderful and I’m lucky to be his mom. You are not damaged goods and you deserve to be happy. I’m sorry your mom wasn’t able to recover from her trauma. You’ve been through a lot. If you’ve been seeing your therapist for awhile & she’s never challenged your beliefs about your conception it might be time for a new therapist.

    #1034883 Reply

    Your conception is not the real you. You made no choices, you took no actions, you were two cells that a few days after a terrible act, merged and grew and became a baby.

    You are worried about a future partner being surprised (or perhaps disappointed?) by your “real” self but in having no opinions, engaging in no debate or arguments, suppressing your own needs and wants you’re actually hiding the “real” you. The actual you. Who you are today in this moment.

    You need to work through this with a therapist, I don’t know if the one you have is getting to the root of the issue. I suspect, and I’m not putting any blame on anyone, that your childhood was shadowed by your mom’s issues. And that she could not handle disagreements or challenges and would react poorly to emotional outbursts and perhaps taught you that emotions or disagreement is bad. That’s a lot to unlearn but I do encourage you to learn how to stand up for yourself and advocate for yourself in healthy and constructive ways. As SheBear said – fighting is OK, as long as you fight in healthy ways (don’t blame, no name calling, etc.).

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