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Dear Wendy

How to deal with a clingy friend?

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Moe 5 days, 5 hours ago.

Viewing 11 posts - 13 through 23 (of 23 total)
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  • #811121 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Yeah, was thinking that the friend wants some kind of respite but the husband is totally on board. And while my mind immediately went to “protection” the second thought was the couple wants a third.

    OP – are you drinking while you’re there? Are you drinking perhaps too much and then driving home? Are they trying to save you from yourself?

    That’s it. I’m out of ideas.

    #811136 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    LW, the verdict is in. This is weird behavior. Glad I wasnt alone on this topic. There are certain circumstances that would warrant this behavior okay, such as those listed in this post by others, but not in your case. At the end of the day you say you are fine with spending the night with her but that the requests are basicly daily and that it has become to much for you and now being accused of making up excuses to get out of it. Your friend cant take a hint and you are wishywashy with your responses. @anon have you asked for advice before? I recognize that name not sure if its common.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by avatar Poppy.
    #811138 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Curious letter. The threeway idea proposed by some of you is interesting… but — unless the LW is simply beyond clueless — I fail to see how the LW doesn’t sense this. Also — why haven’t they actually made a move? I dunno… Very odd situation. Decidedly so.

    #811144 Reply
    Kate B.
    Kate B.

    Yeah, this is weird. The only time I’ve slept at a local friend’s house was when a had pipeline blew up near my house and I had to evacuate. I slept on an air mattress on the floor and the only living being that wanted to share it with me was the cat. I would definitely ask her what’s going on and then make your boundaries clear.

    #811145 Reply
    Kate B.
    Kate B.

    *gas* pipeline

    #811168 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I’d tell her that the two of you are friends but you prefer to usually sleep at your own home. Tell her you prefer to sleep in your own bed when you can and you like to start the day in your own home. You prefer to not pack a bag all the time when you can spend the night in your own place with everything you need right there.

    Ask why she wants you to spend the night all the time. Tell her you have a busy life and you can’t possibly spend the night having sleep overs all the time. If she can’t answer and keeps pushing I’d spend less and less time with her. Tell her you won’t drop by and visit if she is going to push you to spend the night. If she does anyway then you leave as soon as she brings it up. Same with the phone. Tell her you are not going over because she keeps pushing you to spend the night and hand up. Start training her to quit asking. Don’t feel like you need to spend the night over at any time and especially not frequently. Tell her if she asks you to spend the night the conversation is over and then hang up. The same if she asks by text. Tell her you don’t want to be asked or pushed to spend the night with her every day. Ask her to quit asking. Don’t reply to any text where she asks you to spend the night. Ignore it like it doesn’t exist.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Skyblossom Skyblossom.
    #811171 Reply
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    JD

    I really hope we eventually find out why she wants the constant sleep overs.

    #811172 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Hidden cameras?

    #811176 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    Agreed, this definitely goes under the heading of Very Odd Behavior. Because she’s asking almost on the daily now it’s time to address this more broadly. “Hey friend, thanks for the invite but I’ve found at this point in my life I really sleep best in my own bed. I appreciate the offer but for the foreseeable future I’m going to head home after we hang out, which I’m still totally happy to do! Are you free to grab a drink/attend a basket weaving class/do yoga with goats next Tuesday?” I would keep it pretty simple and upbeat, unless she tries to argue or complain, or if she ignores your express wishes and continues to ask, at which point it would be safe to say “you seem really insistent about this, and honestly it’s left me worried. Is something going on with you that you don’t want to be home alone at night?” And see what she says, if she insists there isnt then you can say you’re sticking to your original plan. If she brings it up in the future at that point you can say something like “thanks but no thanks, we talked about this before and it’s still the case that I sleep best at home”. Some other points:

    Don’t get caught in a game where you have to explain *why* you sleep best at home or that you can totally sleep well there because of *reasons*. a simple “no thanks” should be sufficient for a good friend

    It’s ok to get more firm/assertive in your language if she wont let this go or tries to guilt you, including “that’s unkind of you to say”, “you’re making me uncomfortable” or just “um, wow”

    It’s ok to pull away from this friendship if this weird insistence continues. Honestly you might want to consider that anyway given her and her husband’s bizarre insistence that you stay at their house.

    If you suspect something is going on with her – mental illness, abuse at home, a weird attraction to you, whatever, it’s probably time to bring it up.

    #811807 Reply

    To be honest it seems as if she might becoming a little possessive over you. It might have started out as being clingy but there is a line between clinginess and possessiveness, and with her not respecting your words she is crossing it. If you try to back out of the friendship and she tries guilt trips you or gets angry, I wouldn’t be surprised.

    #811847 Reply
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    Moe

    My thought is that s he might be afraid of her husband or trying to be protected from something. My question is, where do you sleep when you stay over? Does she seem anxious when you stay over? Just wanting company? Romantically interested?

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