- July 28, 2019 at 11:10 pm #848986
Hi, so me and my girlfriend have been dating for roughly three years. Things have been good up until a few months ago when I started noticing her not really putting effort into anything in life at all. I thought she was just unhappy in our relationship at first, but upon further inspection she doesn’t seem to be exerting any effort into anything. To make matters worse, things that she says that she has tried and failed (i.e. making friends, being social, going to class, joining clubs since we are both in college) she hasn’t really put any effort into at all. When things inevitably don’t work out and don’t succeed because you have to make some sacrifices and actually try to do things, she blames just about anything but herself.
To make matters even worse, she has depression as well as general anxiety. She won’t try to make an appointment with a therapist, and won’t talk to me or anyone about how she is feeling. Even worse still, because all of these things “aren’t working” she wants to drop everything and move across the country because she believes that the move alone will make her happy and feel satisfied with her life.
I have tried so many things to help her, from leaving her alone for a while to see if she would figure things out, to not nagging but asking her every day or every few days how her friends were doing or whether she had seen her therapist. None of these things have worked. I have recently tried to explain how every success isn’t just effortless. There is a lot of sacrifice that goes into just about anything that you do well, whether that be time, money, or anything else. I have tried to tell her that to be happy and to feel mentally better, it will take time and effort, and that final goal of managing depression and anxiety might not be for a while, but to appreciate and celebrate small successes along that way, but she won’t listen to me still.
Having been in a similar situation, as I am mentally ill too, I know how this tunnel vision of sorts works. I know how a mentally ill brain can warp just about anything, and that while you’re in a major depressive as well as existential episode making a huge life altering decision isn’t the best idea, but I don’t know how to convey this to her.
I do believe that when she feels better, moving and experiencing a new place might be the right thing to do. I also believe that you have to fail and reach some kind of bottom to figure out things about yourself. I also know that she is generally emotionally fragile, and even more so in her current state. As her boyfriend as well as someone that cares about her, I also believe that she might not necessarily bounce back up when she hits that bottom because of all of these things. She might bounce back, but the risk seems to outweigh the reward.
Sorry for the long post, I am just torn as to what to do. On one hand, I realize that it is ultimately not my life and not my decision to make. On the other hand, I know that if it weren’t for people around me, I would have done something just as drastic and desperate and ultimately regretted it. As a human being, even if she weren’t my girlfriend and I could do something to stop something I thought would be net negative, I would be obligated to do so, so just walking away and leaving her on her own is the last thing I want to do.
note: our relationship of course means something to me, but literally all of my intentions are for her to thrive as a person with or without me, so none of my intentions are to keep her here with me.