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Dear Wendy

How to forgive yourself for a mistake

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  • #932024 Reply

    Hello everyone!
    I’ve been struggling lately with a breakup I went through last year. I’d been seeing this guy, it was just for a couple months, but sparks flew. He was the first guy I fell pretty hard for. Even then, something never felt right. Thinly veiled criticisms of my appearance, all his exes were ‘crazy,’ slight control issues, not valuing my input. But you can’t see red flags with rose tinted glasses. The last month and a half of the ‘relationship’ we didn’t even see each other. I really tried to make it happen, but there was always an excuse. It happened after I brought up the fact that I wasn’t perfect and had my issues. Honestly I wonder now if he just didn’t like that about me, that I struggled with my own things. Eventually, days went by without us talking. Rather, him not talking to me. But on social media, super active all the time. I was increasingly sad and fed up with the duplicity and broke it off, no response. Then a few days later he texted me and said he didn’t respond bc his parents had been asking him when he was going to get married or go back to school (we’re both Indian and this is a very common thing, I get it too) and he was trying to figure it out, and that he still liked me. He blocked me on everything immediately. I still tried to reach out, bc I did still like him too and wanted to work things out, I thought I’d made a huge mistake breaking it off. I should have never reached out, it made me look desperate and it was wrong to do, not to mention a total invasion of privacy. I’ve beaten myself up a lot about it. I didn’t think it through and was acting like a teenager. It’s been months now, and I’m not sure how to forgive myself and move on. I believe I did do the right thing by breaking it off, but I feel like I haven’t moved on, mainly bc I did something so unlike me in the aftermath of the relationship.

    #933206 Reply

    I’m not understanding exactly – what is it you feel like you need to forgive yourself for? For not wanting to be rejected? You haven’t done anything remotely wrong.

    As to how to move on – I think it just takes time. Focus on all the major red flags he was giving you before any time you start to look through the rose colored glasses.

    #933294 Reply

    I think the mistake was in trying to reach him even though he’d blocked her on all social media. I think that was the invasion of privacy and high-school behavior that she says was unlike her.

    Y’know, some people lie and cheat and steal. If this is the worst thing you can say about yourself — that you acted out during a break-up — you’re fine.

    #933469 Reply

    I don’t think you need to beat yourself up over this. You did the right thing ending things — he put you down, refused to see you for a month and a half, and went silent on you. This isn’t the behavior of someone who likes you.

    I also assumed you’re beating yourself up for reaching out to him after he blocked you everywhere. You don’t say how you reached out even though you’re blocked, so hopefully you didn’t do anything too cooky or weird. But as for moving on from it? You give yourself some grace, give it time, and tell yourself you’ll do better next time.

    Seems like there are also some deeper self esteem issues contributing to this whole situation — how you let him treat you and how you’re reacting to it many months later. Hopefully you can take the time to focus on activities that build you up. You may also consider seeing a therapist if you’re still stuck on a short, bad relationship from a year ago.

    #934431 Reply

    You got charmed by a snake. He sounds manipulative with the negging and the push/pull behavior.

    Don’t beat yourself up for getting caught up in it; learn from it and be sure to take off the rose colored glasses when something doesn’t feel right.

    #935574 Reply

    You know what I think? He didn’t like to be dumped by you. So he made it as if HE was dumping you. Hence his text then blocking you. And it worked: now you feel bad, you think that YOU made something wrong, that you should apologize, that you have something to forgive yourself about.
    A lot of men just can’t face the narcissic wound of being dumped. It bruises their ego. He doesn’t love you. He just wanted you to feel that you were all wrong and that HE was rejecting you.
    Just remember this: YOU dumped him. And you were right. completely right.
    You can do much much better than this guy. Forget about him. He manipulated you. Take the lesson to avoid such kind of guy in the future and embrace your freedom.

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