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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How to get over a breakup

Home Forums Advice & Chat How to get over a breakup

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  • #1110674 Reply
    Rachel
    Guest

    I’ve been dating a guy who lives in my apartment complex on and off for almost a year. I know saying on and off sounds like a bad relationship that should probably just stay off. But when things are good they are amazing. When things are bad they are terrible we argue about the stupidest things and it spirals to an out of control argument. After talking things over after our recent argument we both agree it’s 50/50 in the cause of the arguments.
    Anyway, he wants to permanently end things this time. I know I need to respect his decision but I desperately want to work things out and be together. I really can’t see myself with anyone else. I wish he would come around and actually want to figure out the root of the problem and work things out. Despite the arguing everything else between us is amazing and he had said the same thing so I don’t know why he doesn’t feel like it’s worth saving.

    I don’t want to beg or be desperate I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. So how can I get past this? I am devastated to the point of not wanting to get out of bed. I don’t have many friends and I need some advice on how to heal and move on and be happy on my own.

    #1110675 Reply
    Rachel
    Guest

    And I forgot to mention since he lives in my complex it’s so easy to bump into him which makes it worse for me.

    #1110676 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    The root of the problem is that you are terrible together half the time. That’s a pretty big deal, and a good reason to end it for good. I wouldnt want to be in a volatile, on and off relationship.

    You have to accept his decision and stop wondering why or entertaining those what ifs, because he told you it’s over, and you do not want to be that person, desperate for someone who doesn’t want them.

    In the future, don’t date people who live in your complex. Lean on the friends you do have. Look into therapy, and possibly consider talking to your dr if you think his depression is more than just this break up.

    #1110677 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Time will help, staying busy and distracted with a new job, hobby or volunteer group. If you don’t have any friend or many friends and want to fix that, focus on that area of your life. It’s really hard to make friend as an adult but you can search the Semite and Wendy has good tips. Volunteering, canvassing, getting involved or even just making small talk with people you see everyday can help you find people interested in things you are.

    #1110678 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Site, not Semite. I’m sorry, I’m not logged in and can’t edit.

    #1110679 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    Exercise is the best advice I have. Run, yoga, swim, pick something. It will make you feel better. Change up your hair, classic post breakup move.

    #1110680 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    It’s an oversimplification sure, but if you had a car that ran only 50% of the time, you’d get rid of the car, right?

    #1110683 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    You need to respect his decision. If your partner says it’s over you don’t get to demand that he renegotiate. Beginning is accepting that it’s over. After that, cut off all contact. No email, no following on social media. Stay way from him physically as much as you can.

    Also, the first year is supposed to be effortless. If you’re fighting and breaking up constantly during the first year it’s not a relationship worth pursuing.Cut bait and find someone who is a better fit.

    #1110684 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I’m with @bloodymediocrity here, you’ve been together about a year and in that time things are not easy – up and down and down and up. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life working so hard?

    #1110686 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    I once casually/briefly dated a neighbor and the guy ghosted me! After that, I’d run into him at awkward times, like when I was taking the trash out or when I was sweaty after a workout. I tried to take the high road and be cordial when we’d have run-ins, but he’d go out of is his way to ignore me. It felt bad. So, I get it — it’s that much harder to get over someone when you run into them all the time or worried you might. I used my back entrance almost exclusively for about a month because I dreaded our encounters and thought they’d be minimized if I didn’t go out the front.

    Anyway, my advice:

    – Write a list of the things you don’t like about him/the relationship. Since things were terrible half the time, this shouldn’t be too hard. Then when you’re idealizing the relationship, read the list and remind yourself that you don’t want to deal with these issues/qualities for the rest of your life. Read it as many times as you need until logic catches up with emotions.
    – You say you don’t have too many friends. Time to put yourself out there! Join a book club, take a class, volunteer. You can use sites like MeetUp to find groups that align with your interests/values. You can also see if your alumni association has a chapter nearby.
    – Try a new hobby. I’m like @Helen in that I like to be exercise and be active, but I know that’s a personal choice. Maybe you’d find pottery throwing soothing.
    – If you need to talk about it with a therapist, do so. I also did that after my most devastating breakup, but it took me like a year to finally get into therapy because I felt like my problems were too small to warrant therapy. They weren’t.
    – When you feel ready, dip a toe into the dating pool.

    You will be okay! Good luck.

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