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Dear Wendy

How to handle diffcult conversations with my mother

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  • This topic has 17 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 3 months ago by avatarbrise.
Viewing 6 posts - 13 through 18 (of 18 total)
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  • #963301 Reply

    You don’t necessarily know she’s trying to process some trauma until you actually have a conversation with her. And even if she is, you can give her some support.

    I know my cousin years ago had to firmly tell her mom not to keep bringing her problems with men to her, because it was affecting her own marriage and she wasn’t equipped to deal with it. But that was like, my aunt was in an abusive relationship and taking up a ton of my cousin’s time talking about her problems.

    You can do that if you need to, but that would look like telling your mom firmly and clearly that you don’t want her to talk to you about X topic because Y. It doesn’t look like you acting bored and disinterested and hurting her feelings.

    #963303 Reply

    Maybe she is trying to process some trauma- so let’s pretend that’s the case. Do you really want to be continually brushing her off to the point of making her cry- or see where she takes the conversation and point her in a better direction for the help she needs?

    To me it sounds like she’s trying to relate to you and understand something and it clearly means a lot to her. Is it possible you could go see her and make some time to sit with her, alone and talk to her? Maybe it is a problem that is too big for you, but you can help her find a path to help. Maybe it’s just that she wants to connect with you and discuss womanhood, sexism, and see what your perspective is.

    #963321 Reply

    I agree that you sound extremely dismissive of your mom. My perspective is that you’ve placed your mom in a box “MOM” and it’s a tiny box that only lets her do mom things.

    Your mom is trying to expand her box to include woman, adult, friend – and you’re shutting her down because … why?

    I have many intensive conversations with my mom about the world – it helps that we generally agree with one another, but I can say confidently that we are not only mom/daughter but we are friends. We’ve talked about death, sex, relationships, politics, gossip, family, the works. Shit, after my step dad died, I explained to her that STDs among the elderly were on the rise, but that if she got the clap, it wouldn’t have enough time to turn her brain to swiss cheese. I’ll admit it was a little weird but necessary.

    Your mom is a person – why not start looking at her like that?

    #963322 Reply

    I don’t know how old your mother is, but mine, at 85, is very interested in talking about how much things have changed since she was young, particularly for women- in the world of work, personal relations, gender issues etc- these women really were at the coalface when equal rights were starting to be fought for in a much wider way than before.And it’s still a very important issue, so there’s a lot to talk about. I can see that if she has a bee in her bonnet that she keeps returning to, it might annoy, so maybe if you have any social justice issues that particularly engage you yourself, perhaps you could try to bring them into the conversation. And it’s fine to point out to her that you feel she’s misjudging your cousin’s situation, or remind her that it’s just as important for men to be educated on how not to threaten women, it shouldn’t all be on women to be educated on safety etc etc, that way you both get to air your views. What sort of thing do you like to talk about regarding social issues? Bring that into the mix and see if that helps.

    #963323 Reply

    Where’s your dad in all this? Are you uncomfortable hearing about her trauma because he caused it? Do you have or want a good relationship with him? I can see how these topics can feel extra loaded to you. Avoidance is how you’re coping, but your mom is trying to face it. At least offer to help her make an appt. Show her how to use dr on demand to access therapy

    #963328 Reply

    I don’t understand your position. It happens that my mother says boring stuff, especially if she starts speaking of people I don’t know, or about something she read, or so, that doesn’t have much to do with her either. She is just talkative, for her this is small talk. I listen, I am polite, I ask a few questions, then I turn the conversation in an other direction and she follows. BUt here, it seems highly personal for here, she is personally invested, she cries about it. So I don’t understand why you don’t want to know what is wrong about it for her, why she is so upset about it, so concerned, so passionate? You assume that there is trauma. But then, don’t you want to help her, to at least listen to her, to offer her your attention? If you just say: go to a therapist, I won’t hear anything about it seems to me so… cruel. Why? Then if you can’t be bothered by her problems, why are you a week-end per month at her place? It is not logical.
    Start a conversation with her, don’t just use her for… what? We are no robots.

Viewing 6 posts - 13 through 18 (of 18 total)
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