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How to handle my family on this?

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  • #1006201 Reply
    avatarAshley Tristale
    Participant

    Hey guys I just want to ask for advice because I’m really having a hard time dealing with this. So I’ve been planning to buy my own car since I already have a budget for the price itself, insurance and for maintenance. I’m already working and I have always wanted to buy a honda civic.

    It’s hard because I’ve been sharing this to my parents and 1 older brother. Just to let you know I only have 1 brother and I’m the youngest of the family. And they are the controlling type of person. Especially my brother.

    When I shared to them that I plan to buy a new car for myself. They kept on insisting the I should use our old car so we could invest it on real properties like land. I know their point that yes. Land is better to invest on before cars because lands kept on apprieciating their value but I should also put some of my budget to my wants. Not only needs. Because I might get to a point that yes I have so many savings and now I’m old. I wasn’t able to use that to my wants like cars.

    I’ve been thinking of finding a place where I should I my car somewhere but I find that tedious and there is a lot of work because for example I have to go to work. I have to go to the place where I hide my car then go back there before going home so they may not caught me. It’s a lot of work. Its easier to place it at home but they would know it.

    You might think ” It’s your money, you have the right where you would spend it on” I know that but there might come to a point where our relationship would be affected just because I bought a new car. Especially if my older brother doesn’t have brand new so it would be hard to think that his younger brother would get a brand new and he won’t (hopefully he’s not thinking this way). You know, it’s normal if you find a person buying a new car or getting achievements, there might come to a point where someone would hold you back.
    Another example, would your wife let you buy a brand new car if she knows that his brother is in need of help financially?? of course not. I’m not trying to be selfish but you can’t be always generous.

    So my question is, knowing that my family would really know if I buy a new car, which first I have to be authorized by them because they would get mad if I buy it without permission.

    How can I convince them to let me buy a new car? If I would get rejected, when is the best time to ask them again? like after 3 months or 6 months? How many tries should I ask them? If that won’t work, is it safe to buy a car and put it on my friends house so I could pick it up before going to work and leave it back before going home? Or should I just consider it as bad luck?

    Thanks for the advice.

    #1006307 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I think there can and should be a compromise here.

    First, until you’re out on your own, saving, investing, and with extra money to spend after all expenses, I don’t think you should be buying a new car. Hondas last FOREVER. I had my mom’s old Civic for a few years when I was probably your age, and it was awesome. You can go well over 100k miles and they run great. I’d get a used one that’s in nice condition.

    When I was in my early 20s my husband and I bought a new car we couldn’t really afford because we just wanted it. It put us in a bad spot financially.

    On the other hand, your family shouldn’t be dictating completely how you spend your money, but if you live with them, they kind of do have a say.

    So I would say it’s either move out on your own and work to be in a position to buy a new car, or see if you can compromise with them where you buy a used car AND contribute financially to the household so they can invest or whatever.

    Absolutely do not buy a brand new car and hide it.

    #1006340 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    How old are you? Do you live at home? If you live at home, are you contributing to household and any shared expenses in a way that’s fair? If you’re not a minor, I don’t think your family should have any say in a car that you’re buying for yourself, even if you live at home with them (this is assuming you contribute to the household). If your older brother wants a nice, newer car, that’s on him.

    Agree with Kate that you should look into buying a pre-owned car that’s reliable and in good condition. Cars depreciate in value quickly and buying new is generally considered a bad investment. My boyfriend bought a used Toyota in his early 20s that lasted him until his mid-30s. At that point, he had a lot more money and was able to upgrade a much nicer car.

    Another example, would your wife let you buy a brand new car if she knows that his brother is in need of help financially?? of course not.

    I don’t even know what you’re talking about with this. But if my sister needed help financially that would be totally separate from a spouse wanting a new car.

    Buying a new car and then hiding it is a dumb idea. Your family seems to be totally lacking in boundaries. My parents were and still can be a bit controlling and my family generally doesn’t have great boundaries. I’d suggest you learn to establish your boundaries sooner rather than later. Otherwise you’ll grow up to be like my older sister, who is mid-30s and still answers to them, needs their input on just about every move she makes in life, and lies to them about the absolute dumbest things like she’s still a teenager trying to get away with something.

    #1006350 Reply
    avatarEle4phant
    Guest

    Wait – how old are you? And how dependent are you on your family for financial help? Are you still living at home or receiving financial help to cover your basic expenses?

    If you still require financial assistance yeah you should probably listen to them, to an extent. I would be mad if I were say, letting my brother live with me for free or for a very discounted rent and he went out and bought a brand new car. Like dude, if you have all that money maybe you should use it to move out and get your own place first. You can only afford that car because I’m subsiding the rest of your life.

    That said if they are trying to pressure you to dump your savings into a family investment, no thanks. Get your financial independence established first, then you can decide how you want to use the excess.

    If you are fully independent, financially and otherwise, well you can do what you want. Yeah, you may get family pressure and that’s uncomfortable, but with adulthood we get both the right to make all our own choices but also the responsibility to own the consequences of said choices. So you’ll just have to weigh how much familial discomfort you can live with in order to do what you want. I can’t answer that for you, personally I value my independence so I’m willing to tolerate a certain amount of tension and judgement from my family, if it ever came down to that.

    That said, I agree with Kate – by new car are you meaning brand new 2021 model, or do you just mean new to you? I would never never buy a brand new car, they start to lose value the second you leave the lot. I’d look for a pretty recent used model, if it were me.

    #1006366 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Just another random thought, residential real estate is actually not a great investment, compared to other things you can invest in. Like, yeah, it eventually goes up in value over time, but sometimes not very much, and definitely not as much as the stock market.

    My parents bought a condo in 1997 for $250k in a hot market that’s way hotter now. It’s worth about $1M now. That same money in the stock market would be worth $1.8M. They sold a house in a decent market in 1986 for $130K. That would be $3M now for whoever bought it, if they invested in the stock market instead. But the house (just looked it up on Zillow) is estimated at $370k now. Of course people need a place to live, and buying can be a good investment, but often it’s really just like renting.

    And a car is not an investment at all. It might be a necessary purchase, depending on where you live, but it’s never an investment.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarKate.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarKate.
    #1006395 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    Kate is right – I drive a 1997 Honda Civic that runs great. They really do last forever.

    #1006401 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    If someone bought a NEW 1997 Civic for $12k, it’d be worth, what, couple grand now? If they had invested that in the stock market they’d have almost $90k now.

    Or let’s say they bought a used one back then for $8k and invested the other $4k. Shit, they’d have almost $30k now!

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarKate.
    #1006423 Reply
    avatarEle4phant
    Guest

    Kate I agree with the general sentiment, but depending on how much was put down, real estate can be great, if you are fortunate to be in the right market at the right time.

    My husband and I put 10% for a condo in a hot west coast city in 2015. We sold it just four years later and our final takehome was quadruple our original down payment. About a third if you account for what we’d paid monthly over the course of those four years. Would we have made the same if we had invested our down payment in the market those same four years? I mean maybe but we also would’ve needed somewhere to live, so two birds one stone.

    We were pretty lucky, that’s not necessarily the appreciation one normally expects we just happened to buy in a very attractive market that became even more attractive over those four years.

    I think, if your major concern is financial, diversity is key. Diverse in not only the stocks you hold, but also diverse all your investment types. I wouldn’t invest all, or most, of my money into real estate but some in your overall portfolio makes sense.

    And, people also purchase things not just for their financial and practical utility. I really like fine jewelry, I’ve built up a nice collection and spent a good deal of money over the years, money I’d never get back if I tried to resell it. But that’s not why I bought it.

    Some people really love nice cars. They get a value out of having one that isn’t strictly financial or practical.

    That’s okay as long as you understand what you’re doing – you’re willing to pay lots of money for a car because of what joy it brings to you, not because you think you are making a sound investment. And if buying such a car is going to compromise your overall financial picture, well then sorry you just can’t afford the car of your dreams.

    Still though, I’d never buy new. Would definitely look for a model that’s a few years old and in excellent condition.

    #1006429 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I agree, you should spend money on what you want, with your eyes open as to the risks, and I did say earlier that resi real estate might be a good investment under the right circumstances. And that you need somewhere to live.

    But I also think there are certain things you can’t afford if you’re not able to live on your own yet, and a new car is one of them.

    #1006430 Reply
    avatarEle4phant
    Guest

    Definitely agree – it seems that this LW really should focus on funding the basic necessities and becoming fully financially independent before they consider getting the nicest car they can.

    It’s not clear to me if they have to share a car with others or they have full use of a hand me down car. If it’s the latter, yeah it may make sense as part of their overall process in establishing independence to get a car that’s just theirs, but it should be a modest used model.

    #1006567 Reply
    avatarAshley Tristale
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice.

    Yes I’m considering that. I’m 25 and I’m single, not married but I’m living with my parents. Of course buying a brand new car is what you want to have when your young. I don’t want to spend my money 100% on lot because there would come to a point that you’re going to die and you wwere not able to enjoy your money like for buying a new car.

    Also, my parents would only allow me to move out is when I already have a new family. Another problem would occur. Wife might say ” Oh instead for spending that on our family expenses or on our future son, you’re going to spend it on a brand new car”. Still, I won’t be able to buy what I want.

    That’s why I consider hiding it but its very tedious. We have different priorities in life and some of us view having a brand new car is a must.

    #1006573 Reply
    avatarAshley Tristale
    Participant

    “I don’t even know what you’re talking about with this. But if my sister needed help financially that would be totally separate from a spouse wanting a new car.”

    I don’t know if western culture understand this but to explain it to you. For example you have a spouse, and her brother, parents or any of her family is in need of help financially and you want to buy a new car. Of course they would hold you back like “Oh why are you going to buy that, my family is in need of help and you’re going to buy that”

    Why is it I view family as people who holds me back in life. Actually I’ve been keeing secret from them relationship wise. But cars are just something that is really hard to hide. Too bad.

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