Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How to have a life after divorce

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Copa Copa 3 days, 20 hours ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 27 total)
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  • #852082 Reply
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    K

    @jaredlrice glad to hear you signed up for Meetup! I met my fiance through a hiking Meetup group, and also made lots of friends. And there are many single and divorced people of all ages in the group.

    #852116 Reply
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    Ange

    A lot of meetup groups actively discourage people from using it as a hookup opportunity so your odds are good that if there’s one nearby it’ll be chock full of people in a similar boat. The one in my last town was basically nothing but divorcees.

    #852127 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I know you didn’t exactly ask, but a couple of tips for when you do put yourself out there:

    When the question comes up about your divorce, which it generally will in the first few dates (I get it, I was divorced at 28), DON’T say it was because your wife cheated. I understand that was probably the trigger event, but the reality is probably quite a bit more complex than that. Throwing her under the bus isn’t a good look. I said something like, “Oh, he was a really nice guy, really funny guy, but just… we got married young and grew in different directions.” Practice something like that for the early conversations. The truth can come out over time when you get serious with someone.

    Also, if you set up online profiles, you can’t use intense selfies like you used here. You’ll need to have a headshot where you’re smiling, a full body shot, and ideally an action shot showing you doing something fun. Get a friend or family member or even a professional to help you if you don’t already have photos like these. Also no pics with your kids, or with your ex cropped out.

    #852129 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    That’s good advice, Kate.

    #852132 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, you don’t want to sound bitter or like you’re nowhere near over your ex, or like a victim.

    Also, if you set up profiles where you have to write about yourself, get someone who doesn’t know you (Wendy has done this in the past, she did it for me actually) to look at your draft and give you advice on how to tweak it. Inexperienced daters almost always make rookie mistakes that will look like red flags and cause others to pass over their profiles. I would not trust a friend or family member to help you with this, you need an objective third party.

    #852135 Reply
    TaraMonster
    TaraMonster
    Participant

    This is all great advice, particularly Meetup, but I also want to second @Copa’s suggestion for BumbleBFF. My cousin met one of her very best friends on there about 2 years ago and she’s wonderful. She not only gained my cousin as a friend, but a whole friend/family group. I think I may love her nearly as much as my cousin! There’s a lot to be gained from putting yourself out there.

    #852137 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Eh, it all is how you tell the tale. Just be matter of fact about it and not dwell.
    .
    “She cheated on me.”
    .
    This whole it takes three to do the tango of infidelity is simply bullshit. Why whitewash the sins of your Ex? It only makes you look stupid rather than better.

    #852138 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well, his audience is apparently straight women, and I’m telling him what works.

    #852139 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    And then they later flip out that they were LIED to. “He didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth?! Why? Why?!? WHY?!?”
    .
    Be fucking honest. Monogamy works for what? 2 in 11 relationships? I honestly don’t even get how childish and naive people are about this reality.

    #852140 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    You don’t get into being cheated on on a second or third date. In general, trashing your ex makes you look bitter and not emotionally available. You can gradually reveal pertinent information as things get more serious, and no one feels they were lied to. I know this because, as a divorced person dating, I didn’t get into the specifics of my ex’s behavior until I knew someone pretty well. And I was a successful online dater who didn’t waste time with the kind of duds who’d be eager to hear all about my ex’s BS on a second date.

    #852141 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    I wouldn’t bring it up. But if they asked. Honestly, I don’t get why the go to question on early dates is all too often — and why are you single?!

    #852144 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It shouldn’t be. That’s a stupid question.

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