- February 20, 2020 at 10:05 am #875841
Don’t write him a letter! Tina, listen, what is not getting through to you here? You should not be trying to do this yourself. You need professional help. Don’t put that all in writing, or if you do, BRING it to the counseling session and READ it to him there, in front of the therapist. Wake. Up.
And yeah, go see a lawyer. If you’re not going to do therapy, and if he’s truly this much of an ass, move on to protecting yourself legally.
Stop trying to fix this yourself!February 20, 2020 at 10:08 am #875842
Props for going to counseling and doing the work to figure out your bottom line, but don’t just hand him that letter. Talk it over with him in the safe space with the counselor. The thoughts you communicated are fine if they’re sincere, but handing him a letter is not going to be effective.February 20, 2020 at 10:19 am #875846golfer.galGuest
Tina, I’m going to recommend again that you look up John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Gottman is an incredibly respected marriage therapist, whose experiments came to predict with shocking accuracy whether a couple would get divorced. He found that the single greatest indicator that a marriage will fail is contempt. I see contempt all over your husband’s behavior. Assuming you planned a date night to “block” him from seeing another woman on his “only free night”….wow. Telling you he didnt call to tell you where he was half the night because he “didnt want the headache”, when he was out with another woman. Encouraging you to leave and saying that you lack worth. You literally name some of the demonstrations of contempt in your letter.
You seem to be focused on whether or not he is actually cheating, which is understandable I guess, but the problem is much, much bigger than that. Is this level of contempt new? Or has he always behaved this way? Again, you need the advice of a lawyer. You need to get “on top” of your financials STAT. Your letter is essentially begging him to treat you like a human being that he has some basic respect for, which is heartbreaking. You are very focused on what you can do to fix this, and seem desperate not to upset him, which tells me that there are probably some self esteem and gaslighting issues here, as well as some controlling behavior on his part. This just…none of this is good. Please, talk to a lawyer and get individual counseling set up.February 20, 2020 at 10:27 am #875847
I’m pretty sure you’d still be entitled to a share of the equity in the house, particularly if he bought it after you were married. A lawyer can help with questions like this. Definitely go to a lawyer now. I don’t like that he’s in law enforcement, it makes me uneasy. He could be trying to get you to be the one to end things, while making sure not to enter into an affair with this woman until you do so. I don’t know the laws in your state, but maybe that puts you in a bad position when it comes to dividing property.
1) Talk to a lawyer
2) push for another couples therapy session where you talk about this. You want to appear to be doing everything possible to make the marriage work.
3) find an individual counselor.February 20, 2020 at 10:30 am #875848
Go see a lawyer. Explain the ownership of the house. You may still have a share of the equity. Make sure you see a divorce attorney because you need someone who specializes in what you need. As someone else suggested, go and see more than one. See which attorneys are the highest rated in your area and see each of them. One consultation with them gives you a relationship with them and means that they cannot represent your husband if the two of you should end up getting divorced. This is a protective move. Consulting with lawyers doesn’t mean that you have to get divorced but it does mean that he can’t use them so make sure to consult with all of the good ones if possible. Besides, there is no harm in a second or third opinion. Which do you like best. Which would you choose if you do need a divorce lawyer.
Beginning today, research all of your finances. While he is out tomorrow evening, having his date with his friend, you should have a date with his finances and make copies of everything you can find. Store what you find somewhere inaccessible to him so that he can’t find it and wipe it out. You can do things like take screen shots and send them to your email and put them in a folder in your email. Start a new email account and send them to it also. Change your passwords to keep your information safe. Get a safe deposit box at a bank and put your printed documents in it or give them to a trusted friend.
He sounds fairly confident that you can’t leave him so he feels that he can treat you like dirt.
Continue with couples counseling. There is no harm in trying to save your marriage but it does take both of you making an effort or nothing will change.
What does your counselor say about him dating this friend?February 20, 2020 at 10:44 am #875849
I have to wonder if he has already talked to a lawyer. You’ll find out if you try to get a consultation with a lawyer and they can’t talk to you. If no one in their office can consult with you one of them has probably consulted with your husband.February 20, 2020 at 10:49 am #875851golfer.galGuest
Honestly, your husband is actively engaging in all of the four horsemen behaviors: criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. This is really, really not good. I completely agree with Skyblossom, you need to have yourself a date night tomorrow in the form of as many in person or by phone legal consultations as you can set up, as well as a deep dive into your bank statements, mortgage statememts, and financial documents.
Keep going to therapy. Your letter doesn’t really say, explicitly, what you need. Things like: social contact/texting/outings with this woman are completely over until he proves himself trustworthy, the contempt stops – no more verbal abuse, telling you you’re not worth it, you’re “a hassle” etc, he stops lying to you about being without cell service, he keeps in regular contact with you, he tells where he is and when he’ll be home, he commits to spending his free evenings with you, he stops gaslighting you by claiming your completely reasonable concern and desire for your husband to prioritize you is “controlling”.
Honestly…even as I write all that it’s just, exhausting. This guy is bad, bad news. The fact that he is in law enforcement also concerns me, and the trouble he could potentially make for you, as well as the fact that you seem financially dependent on him. Please start making an exit plan with a good attorney.February 20, 2020 at 11:13 am #875852
” he is a detective in law-enforcement and she is an advocate for some of the victims that he works with. I know for a fact they are not having a sexual affair because there is so much concerned about him losing his job or her coming back and saying he did something that he didn’t, etc. he’s extremely aware of that and I believe it’s not physical”
This shows he doesn’t care how inappropriate their dates look. They are openly dating while he is married and it is a huge conflict of interest.
He doesn’t care. He is risking his marriage and his job and he continues to do what he does.
Are they going on these dates locally? Are they trying to drive a distance so that no one will know them? You’ve said it’s a small town. How small? Our local town has 5000 people and there is no way they could keep going out without it being noticed and there would be comments.
Any of his coworkers who might dislike him could get a photo of them on a date and report him to his boss. Any person who is angry at her for a prosecution could report her. Any lawyer could follow this with interest and try to use it to get a case thrown out. He’s playing with fire.
In the meantime, remain calm. Have a to do list in your head. Don’t leave anything laying around that indicates what you want to do. Make sure he can’t see what you are doing on your computer. Keep your options open.February 20, 2020 at 11:15 am #875853
A good spouse does not treat you as irrelevant to their decision making.
Keep that in mind.February 20, 2020 at 11:22 am #875854TinaGuest
I don’t have access to his finances. He has always wanted to be very financially separate. We still have mostly separate bank accounts except for a very small joint. I write him a check every month and he pays the mortgage via his acccount.
I shot myself in the foot when I was looking through his phone via the apple computer and changed his computer login… I don’t know how I would obtain anything other.February 20, 2020 at 11:29 am #875855
All right, well, don’t be the one to end the marriage right now, that might be what he wants because it could entitle you to less, or nothing. Talk to two lawyers about options. Insist he go to counseling with you. Get counseling yourself. Stop trying to talk to him and get him to treat you like a human being, that’s not the answer.February 20, 2020 at 11:34 am #875856HelenGuest
Your attorney will let you know what to do regarding finances. Talk to one today