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Dear Wendy

How to have opposite gender friends when married

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  • #875923 Reply

    “The problem is when I have suggested these terms in the past … He laughs at me and tells me I’m crazy…”

    Who cares what he does or says?! You shouldn’t be trying to build consensus with this person. He’s dating someone else! He can say or think whatever he wants, and you can keep calling things exactly what they are.

    #875924 Reply

    Oh, I just realized you’re the same person who wrote the “apathetic Husband” post. In that one you said he’s had inappropriate behavior with women plural.

    Tina, I feel like you chose a new name and started over by telling us just this one thing, deliberately withholding all this other information, and now my head hurts.

    Your husband is just a plain old asshole. Sorry. I fell for your BS, but my answer is the same as your other post. He’s genuinely a piece of crap and you can’t fix him.

    You should absolutely go talk to a lawyer and find out what to do to get out of this with your share of the assets and protect your freaking self.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarKate.
    #875927 Reply

    No wonder it was sounding worse and worse as Tina kept divulging.

    Yeah. Silently consult a lawyer and get the eff out.

    He didn’t change plans on Friday because he suddenly saw the error of his ways. He senses something is up. He’s going to play nice for a few days. Then back to asshole.

    #875933 Reply

    Wow. Tina, you didn’t like what you heard so you came on here again and deliberately lied and obfuscated the truth of what is going on in your marriage. Why? Your husband is an abusive asshole and no amount of couples therapy or his individual therapy will change that. Everything he does, including deciding not to see his affair partner tomorrow night, is done for his own self interest, not out of care for you. Take the good advice on how to get out of this situation, or acknowledge that you don’t want to leave and accept things as they are. There is nothing, I repeat nothing, that you can do to salvage this marriage. Stop looking for ways to try. Take it or leave it.

    #875934 Reply

    You can’t make him change. And he’s dating a woman he works with. Honestly, you will be so much happier once you’re free of this. His issues are not your problems to solve. There’s not a person on earth who can make him want to change into a better person. He has to want to do that, and he doesn’t. He is selfish, has no empathy, has shown you again and again that he does what he wants with the people he wants as long as he likes the entertainment. Being alone and living each day to make yourself happy is better than feeling like shit with a shitty, selfish man.

    My guess is the new gf canceled their date and that’s why he’s suddenly free. Or maybe he’s snooping on you now. Maybe he’s installed spyware.

    Please consult a lawyer. And get in for individual counseling.

    #875939 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ

    Oh, good lord. Girl, this marriage is just done. He doesn’t care about you. You can’t make him care. He’s dating his co-worker. Openly. You’re clinging to this dysfunction out of fear. Therapy is useless. Talking is pointless. Pleading is pathetic. For the love of god, go see a lawyer and develop an exit plan. None of this will get better.

    #875942 Reply

    I am sorry everyone.
    I suppose I wanted the perspective as our relationship is now, not in the past. I felt by revealing he had been intimate with two other woman make it difficult to analyze what is happening right now in front of me, when that was in the past. I guess I wanted a neutral perspective.

    All I have to say at this point is that this is an incredible community of people. Wow. The time everyone has taken to help and be of support, it makes me tear up.
    I have taken away some great books to read, and the need to talk with a lawyer regardless.
    I will always have hope and believe in people bettering themselves and changing. But I need to educate myself and prepare for the worst.

    Thank you all.

    #875943 Reply

    For chrissakes, his cheating is not in the past. It’s happening right now, right in front of your eyes. You specifically said he’s had no other women friends except you for ten years and that you trust him implicitly and know he would never cheat.

    This caused people to give you advice that would’ve been very different, if they had known the truth. Yes, everyone took a lot of time to give you support. You didn’t want a neutral perspective; you wanted people to tell you what you wanted to hear.

    You need help.

    #875944 Reply

    Tina, the worst is here. Right now. Your husband is openly dating another woman right in front of you, and telling you that if you don’t like it, tough.

    I can’t imagine staying with the man you’ve described in your two posts. The cheating is almost the least of your problems. You describe a man who doesn’t seem to like you, let alone love you. He certainly doesn’t respect you. You have to walk on eggshells around him, meaning you can’t relax and be yourself with him. You don’t trust him at all. How is this a marriage?

    It’s time for you to start looking out for yourself. Take control of your life. Make a good life for yourself, one that isn’t dependent on the whims of someone else.

    #875955 Reply

    Tina, I was giving you advice from your totally false perspective of a guy who you’ve had a loving relationship with for 10 years and has never cheated. That’s how you represented it and it’s a total fabrication. It’s NOT how your relationship is now. And even if it were, when people started asking questions, they quickly got to a place of “go see a divorce lawyer.”

    Stop lying to yourself and others. Stop believing in people’s ability to change just because that makes it easier to stay in this abusive shitshow.

    #875958 Reply

    WTH, Tina.

    I mean, you got exactly the same advice no matter how you tried to frame it, right? Or detach one particular behavior from the whole messed-up situation. How many times do you need to hear, he’s a total asshole who’s abusing and gaslighting and cheating and you need to leave him and go to individual therapy? Seriously, you’re 30. You could have a long happy life ahead of you with a decent man. Why are you actively choosing this? You believe people can change, so YOU change. Stop being a passive little doormat and do the right thing.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarKate.
    #875966 Reply

    The problem is, when you’re dealing with someone like your husband, change is literally not possible. We obviously can’t diagnose him over the internet, but generally when you’re dealing with a complete lack of empathy, a need for power over other people, and a penchant for control and abuse, at best you’ve got yourself a Trump, at worst a Gary Ridgeway or a Ted Bundy. The books recommended here are for relationships where there is no abuse and both parties are prepared to change. Not where one party has moved remorselessly on to their next affair right in front of you, literally does not care about you, and is abusing you emotionally and financially. Those books will not help you. None of the traditional methods of healing a marriage will help you, because you don’t have a marital problem. If you want to read a book that might help you, read “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder” by Randi Kreger, “The Empathy Trap” by Jane McGregor, or “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout.

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