Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How to have opposite gender friends when married

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Viewing 12 posts - 169 through 180 (of 226 total)
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  • #876015 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    She wants Door #3 to be, stay with him and be okay with his atrocious behavior. But yeah Tina, that’s not going to happen. This won’t get better, only worse. Forget everything I said about marriage counseling and a marital tune-up. That was based on your false representation of the situation. This can’t be fixed.

    #876016 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    “His sex drive hasn’t decreased with me.” Oh, well then, everything’s fine! What were you worried about?

    WTF?

    Tina, let me be blunt. You know why he still has sex with you? Because it’s easy. You’re willing, no matter how badly he treats you, and you’re right there in his house. He doesn’t even need to drive to his girlfriend’s house when he wants to get off.

    I don’t know why you think any of us should believe a word you say, after you’ve misrepresented yourself, your husband, and your situation so many times. I don’t know what you want from us. It can’t be honest advice, because you’re not being honest with us. We’re giving advice on the fake situations you keep making up.

    So, what is it then? Do you want the magic words you can say to turn the POS you’re married to into Prince Charming? There aren’t any.

    Do you want us to tell you how to be happy being married to a man who treats you with open contempt? I can’t, because I never would have married a man like him in the first place, and if I had made that mistake, I would have corrected it long ago.

    Not that you’re going to take any lessons away from this. You’ll be back in a week, under a different name with a slightly different story, lying to us (and yourself) again.

    All I can do is wish you well. I hope one day you’ll have the self-respect to see this “marriage” for what it is and make a better life for yourself.

    #876019 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Tina,there is a difference between being hopeful and optimistic and giving the benefit of the doubt-and being a fool. You are falling into the latter camp and I think you deserve better.

    #876022 Reply
    TaraMonsterTaraMonster
    Participant

    I’ve been lurking on this thread.

    TINA. HI. You need to get a divorce. Like yesterday. You’re being a doormat. Put your big girl pants on and leave this asshole.

    #876040 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    We’re giving advice on the fake situations you keep making up.

    And even then it’s still always the same advice! — Get a lawyer.

    #876163 Reply
    avatarTina
    Guest

    Look everyone, I know what I have to do. I know I have to leave him. He’s out yet again tonight with her, it’s going on midnight and he’s been with her since five. They went to a bar that I usually enjoy going on date nights to, with my husband. The anxiety and stress I am feeling right now as I sit at home is absolutely unbearable and I know I can’t continue to live like this. I actually had to take an anti-anxiety pill that I have just for flying to be able to cope right now as the clock ticks by and he’s still out drinking with her.
    I will admit as you might already have noticed, I am not a strong person. My parents brutally fought growing up and I have so many flashbacks of that, I am always trying to resolve things because I hate when there is tension and anger and pain. I start shaking like I did when I was a kid and I definitely try and avoid conflicts.

    It’s so hard to even know where to start. The idea of going off on my own again is terrifying. I thrive on partnerships and as screwed up as it might sound I am so scared to date again. Where do I even begin looking for somebody? I’ve never found any man I have met As attractive and as appealing as my husband has been to me in these past 10 years. It makes me think I’m going to have to eventually move to a bigger city to meet someone because I live in a smaller town. Yet I don’t want to give up my job and my comfort zone when already this will be such an uncomfortable thing to do.

    What are some baby steps I can do to move forward in this direction. I am stiff with fear and pain

    #876164 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    Tina, I’m so sorry this is happening. This isn’t your fault, so please be kind to yourself. You can do this.

    Do you have a friend you can talk to? Maybe go over to her house so you’re not suffering alone? I think having someone to talk next steps with in person is a good first move. Also, make an individual appointment with a counselor or therapist ASAP.

    One step at a time. You’re going to be brave and strong and handle this.

    #876168 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Really? What are some baby steps?

    Um.

    STI testing

    Individual counseling with a licensed therapist

    Consultation with a divorce lawyer

    Consultation with a second divorce lawyer

    #876172 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Everything Kate said. Also:
    Hiring a forensic accountant

    Getting copies of your last several years of tax returns if you filed jointly, you can do that at the irs website

    Getting any info you can on your finances. Check for paper copies of account statements, mortgage statements, bank statements

    Get copies together of your marriage certificate, and gather all your important and identification documents and put them in your own safe deposit box at the bank in your name only

    Tell your closest friends and family what is going on and ask for help

    Save all the money you can

    Researching at wwww.thehotline.org, they have a wealth of information

    Reading all 3 of the books I recommended to you, especially Splitting

    CONSULT WITH MULTIPLE LAWYERS AND RETAIN ONE

    #876175 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    It’s important you get into your own counseling asap. Your role as a conflict averse very empathetic person who grew up in a conflict rich and emotionally abusive household is why you are/were attracted to your husband in the first place. Likewise, men who like to abuse and dominate others seek out women who are empathetic and conflict averse with difficult pasts exactly because they are easy to abuse and unlikely to leave. You are already worried about moving to a new city to date again- the codependency is palpable. Why are you even thinking about dating? Your focus needs to be on getting safely out of this shitshow of a marriage.

    There are patterns here that you need to break before you are even close to ready to date again, or you’ll end up with another abuser. Once you’ve been in therapy for a year and are safely divorced you will likely start to find that there are a lot more attractive men around than you thought, because you’re seeking out the right kind of person.

    #876176 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    What golfer.gal said. Don’t think about dating or moving or getting a new job. That stuff will come later, and you’ll handle it later. Get yourself to counseling and follow the above advice about gathering info on your financials.

    #876177 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I would echo the great feedback above.

    The very first thing I would do, even before therapy etc., is get a lawyer. Set up consultations with at least five of the most vicious lawyers you can find, even if it’s in a bigger city close to you. (After you consult with them, he can’t use them.)

    Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce? Anyone at all? Ask them who are the most vicious lawyers in town, and in the bigger city close to you.

    Your lawyer will then give you the next series of baby steps to take, such as getting tax returns, STD testing, etc. You can do those things now, on your own, but your very first step is to get a lawyer.

    Do not think about dating right now, as you will only attract another asshole until you fix your picker. We have all had patterns that needed to change in order to have better lives. Welcome to your change.

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