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Dear Wendy

How to have opposite gender friends when married

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Viewing 12 posts - 181 through 192 (of 226 total)
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  • #876178 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Don’t ask just anybody though. Ask someone you can trust for a lawyer recommendation. Or else just google it. You can also ask the first lawyer you meet with — “who are your toughest competitors?”

    #876179 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    Agree with everyone else and I was going to add something similar as FYI. Only talk to people you absolutely trust and who won’t go behind your back and talk to your husband.

    I would get your ducks in a row with a lawyer before you even consider telling your husband. He doesn’t think you’re strong enough to actually leave him. He’s not going to like it.

    Also, individual therapy so you can stand up to him. Seriously.

    And what everyone else has said about dating. You need to work on yourself first. Therapy will help.

    #876180 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    I don’t want to sound alarmist, but I suspect he won’t take the news well that you want a divorce/to leave. Yes, he’s told you to leave but he said that knowing you won’t. He likes the power he has over you.

    #876182 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ
    Participant

    Step 1: Make an individual therapy appointment. Advise your therapist you need help getting through a divorce. This is as easy as a phone call.

    Step 2: Get a lawyer. If you don’t know anyone who can give you a recommendation, contact the attorney bar association for your state. Most of them have a lawyer referral service and they vet the lawyers and make sure they know what they’re doing. Unless you have special issues or assets, you don’t have to have a crazy nasty cutthroat divorce. Y’all both work and you haven’t mentioned kids, so it’s likely to be splitting up the property and maybe some interim support (depending on your pay disparities) and that’s it. You do want someone respected in their field and who actually specializes in family law. Don’t go to a jack of all trades on this. Take the lawyer’s advice on what to do about any money in your joint accounts.

    Step 3: You have a job and presumably access to some money. (Congratulations! You’re way ahead of the curve for a lot of women on this one.) Make a budget, so you know what kind of rent you can afford. Factor in health insurance if you’re on his, utilities, car payments/insurance, debt payments, etc.

    Step 4: Start looking for a place to move. Make sure you have somewhere to go before you announce your plans to your husband. If you really can’t find something in your area and budget, then arrange to stay with a friend or family while you continue your search.

    Step 5: Let your trusted friends/family know what’s going on. Be careful they won’t try to “fix” things by talking to your husband.

    Step 6: Pull the trigger and just do it. It’s scary and hard, but you will be better off not having this weight dragging you down. That anxiety you’re feeling? It’s because you’re stuck. So unstick yourself!

    #876184 Reply
    avatarTina
    Guest

    Yep, I’m going to have to get the strength. I waited until 4am to finally call as ask if he was ok. No answer until my second call, he said he was on his way home and he fell asleep on their couch. (“They” meaning this girl and her boyfriends house.) I set the boundary and told him regardless of the boyfriend being there, I would feel so uncomfortable with him stating the night there because he drank too much. I said no matter what I’d come pick him up or would want him to get an Uber. He did it anyway.

    #1) how do I find the best lawyer, or most “vicious” as someone said? What do I look for in a google search or when researching? I don’t have anyone to ask a recommendation for.

    #2) we are in couples counseling. Should I start to see her as well on my own for individual, or find someone totally new? I really like her and with a shortage of therapists in the are, it took months to find her and not someone with a waiting list.

    #876185 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    You don’t need vicious. Do as MissMJ said to find a lawyer.

    See a different therapist. Your current therapist already has an opinion of you and your husband. You need someone new.

    #876186 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You don’t need vicious, just smart. Read Miss MJ’s post again. She’s actually a lawyer if I remember correctly.

    Yeah, if at all possible you need a new therapist who specializes in relationships and abuse. If your only choice is to see this same woman, I guess do that, but it’s not ideal. 💯 NO on that if she’s the same person your husband sees individually. If that’s the case, you must see someone else. And definitely drop the couples counseling regardless, there’s just no point.

    #876187 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Oh my god. He did not “fall asleep on her couch”.

    #876188 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah no, he definitely didn’t.

    #876189 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Me, personally, I would want a vicious lawyer. I guess by “vicious” I mean highly competent and not going to take any shit from manipulators. So maybe “very experienced” and “seen it all.”

    Call the state bar association, tell them you need a recommendation for 3-5 divorce attorneys in your area, and tell them you need the most respected attorneys.

    Do not breathe a word of what you’re doing to your husband. Not one word. And he was having sex; he didn’t fall asleep. But I think you know that.

    #876190 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You want someone smart, strategic, and with experience dealing with spouses who hide stuff and isolate you from finances.

    When I’ve needed a lawyer – in this case an employment lawyer who I used a few times, once for a contract negotiation, once for a sexual harassment situation, and once to get more severance when everyone my company laid off was “old,” I started out with a woman recommended to me by my parents’ estate attorney. She recommended her friend Judy, who really knows her shit and is awesome. But Judy doesn’t litigate. When I needed a litigator to write a letter for me on letterhead that would show I had a bulldog litigator behind me, Judy referred me to her friend Barb, who was a tall, handsome, former basketball player in a tailored suit who actually intimidated ME, so i was like, perfect. Barb sent the letter, then followed up and followed up and negotiated on my behalf and got me a bunch more money. But I wouldn’t be able to afford Barb’s rates for regular stuff. I recommend Judy to anyone who needs HR legal advice.

    You just need a solid referral and go from there.

    I am once-divorced btw, but didn’t need an attorney. Amicable situation.

    #876192 Reply

    I just want to chime in that he did not fall asleep. He was having sex. She might actually have a boyfriend, but I doubt it. Don’t be foolish.

    Start calling lawyers. Good luck.

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