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How to have opposite gender friends when married

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  • #876194 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Coming home later than expected actually is likelier to equate to fell asleep than ‘they had sex’. It’s the same as with teenagers and curfews. If you intend to have sex, it is very easy to skip the movie or the bar and have sex within the curfew period. Sex doesn’t have to happen late at night. Having sex doesn’t mean you have to stay way longer, unless your intention is to be caught out having sex.

    I don’t know if she actually has a bf. I suspect he is up to no good and that they have actually had sex more often than not on their recent ‘dates’, but staying out unexpectedly late sounds like either he truly did fall asleep or else he wants to send a big ‘fuck you!’ message to LW.

    #876196 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    Does it really matter though? He obviously doesn’t give a shit about hurting Tina. If he did, he wouldn’t have gone out in the first place.

    However, I’d bet a lot of money they had sex. He cares so little for Tina, that now he’s rubbing his new relationship in her face.

    #876200 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    When looking at the whole context of this thread, a technicality like “maybe he truly did fall asleep” is not really helpful. The LW is having a very hard time believing that this guy is cheating. She will hang her hat on even the most remote possibility — okay, he was asleep! that means he’s not cheating — to justify her paralysis. People are trying to help her see the light, not help her find weird reasons why her husband didn’t come home until 4 am after a night out with another woman.

    #876201 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    He’s been physical with two women (at least) before this one and gotten away with it, so yeah he’s having sex with this lady. And doesn’t care if Tina thinks he is.

    #876204 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    Most most MOST likely: he fell asleep after the sex.

    Anyway it’s not helpful speculating so I’ll just carry the motion that lawyers need to be hired.

    #876205 Reply

    It was sex with a message. That he doesn’t give a shit anymore. He doesn’t have to answer to Tina. He’s rubbing it in her face even more so than before.

    #876206 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ
    Participant

    “Most most MOST likely: he fell asleep after the sex.”

    Yep!

    #876208 Reply
    avatarAnchrige
    Guest

    Tina, I think it’s understandable that you feel depressed and paralysed with this man – someone said you are 30, so that means you’ve spent your entire adult life with this man. He got you really young. I’m willing to put money on him being significantly older.

    Your first baby step is to realise that you will live without him. You will be happy without him. You say you’re really invested in having a relationship at all times, and that’s understandable because you’ve never been a single adult in your life. Talk about this on your own with a therapist, who can help you realise that this dependency is something you can break.

    Your second baby step is to realise that you deserve to love without him and the despair he brings into your life.

    Then get those ducks in a row, see a lawyer, and don’t let him know until it’s all in order and on the table. You don’t owe him a heads up on this – in fact, it would be very much in the interests of your physical and emotional safety if you keep this under raps until you are ready to leave.

    As an experienced teacher, you will find a new job in a new town – you mentioned you would need to skip town if you left him, but this sounds like a brilliant idea to me, especially in light of him being in law enforcement. I read that, in the US, the rates of domestic violence among police officers is something approaching 50%. In the UK (even here where the majority of our force don’t carry guns) leaving a police officer is starting to be recognised as dangerous, as none of their friends on the force will properly enforce anything on them and they get a real pass for thuggish behaviour. They also have a free pass and access to resources to facilitate stalking behaviour. I hate to be alarmist, but I’d be really, really careful with this. (Obviously this doesn’t apply to all police officers!)

    It may well be a blessing that you aren’t tied to him financially and by children – you’re really young, and you can have a new lease on life if you allow yourself. I promise you there are attractive, respectful men out there who won’t leave you desperately trawling advice columns for an answer that can make you feel better about your predicament.

    #876211 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    Great advice from Anchrige. Please just re-read that whole post for emphasis.

    The lawyer talk might be scary, Tina, but keep in mind: even if he gets EVERYTHING, you’re young and you’re an experienced teacher. You can rebuild your finances from scratch and be totally okay. If I were you, I’d talk to the lawyer about an exit strategy that prioritizes your safety and mental health over money.

    Don’t feel rushed, but another baby step is to look at job postings in other areas. With a teaching job in most places, you’ll be able to support yourself and spend your money in a way that better fits your passions and goals.

    I’m a teacher in a big metropolitan area. My teacher friends and I- mostly unmarried and in our mid-30s- are lucky to be doing just fine financially. We travel a lot, pursue passion projects, have fun weekly hangouts, and support each other through dating ups and downs. The grass is pretty green on this side of the fence – you can come on over!

    #876230 Reply
    avatarTina
    Guest

    Excellent advice from everyone, thank you.
    Yes I met him super young, when I was 19 and he was too. We have never experienced adult life without one another.

    You guys I am very tempted to text this girl (I met her just once) and just say “for my clarity and sanity, did anything physical happen between you and my husband when he didn’t return home last Saturday”?

    My husband said that they didn’t do anything and he’s been open to answering all my questions from that night. And the past two situations where he did do something physical, he said he couldn’t hold onto the guilt and told me right away.
    There is an element where I believe they really did just hang out and talk like friends. But I really need to know for sure because that would get me out the door tomorrow if he did. Otherwise I will continue to take baby steps forward.

    I know many of you will say “you already know he did you are just denying it”.
    And no, in this case I do not know… because there are things about this situation that only I can understand because I’m here living my life that lead me to think they didn’t. I looked at his location services and he was where he said he was, we have been out to there places and there is no where to hide having sex plus he is terrified of sex in public because of being in law enforcement.
    Also they ubered from her place first so there wasn’t a car to do anything in. Finally I know for a fact her boyfriend was home because I saw he posted a photo of him and his friend hanging out there on Saturday .

    I guess I need to know if I am being lied to. Is texting her a good idea or not?
    Also any other ways I could figure out if he is lying?

    #876232 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    NO. A thousand times no, do not text her.

    #876237 Reply
    avatarTina
    Guest

    Kate do you mind telling me some reasons

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