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Dear Wendy

How to have opposite gender friends when married

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Viewing 12 posts - 49 through 60 (of 226 total)
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  • #875591 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Oh jeez. If you’re regularly looking through his phone, you don’t trust him. Don’t pretend to yourself that you do. Definitely counseling. His behavior is weird, you’re looking through his phone, time to work this out with a professional. You two aren’t communicating effectively and you’re betraying his privacy.

    #875592 Reply
    avatarTina
    Guest

    Ok after reading through all the comments here is my final question.
    If he were to ask “ok, what do you need to feel comfortable”?
    I would definitely say: please invite me too when you go out for drinks with her.
    Besides that, I can’t pinpoint what else he could do to make me feel comfortable. Telling him to stop texting or to end the friendship is NOT my intention. Does anyone have any suggestions (those who have had partners with opposite gender friends) of what I could specifically ask him to do that would help me feel more comfortable?

    #875593 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    This is past that. You need to figure it out together in counseling.

    #875594 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    Agree with Kate.

    I’m completely comfortable with my husband hanging out with women because I completely trust him. I’ve never checked his phone. I don’t even know his password.

    Here’s the thing with your situation. Your husband was out until midnight with this person without letting you know. A drink after work with a coworker, male or female, doesn’t normally turn into “let’s hang out til midnight”. I would personally be pissed if my husband did that and didn’t give me a heads up, no matter the gender. On top of that, this person sends flirty texts. I think there is a reason you don’t trust your partner right now. And it’s not because this is a pretty woman. It’s because he’s not behaving appropriately. Couples counseling.

    #875596 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I mean, I don’t think there’s anything he could do to make you feel comfortable with his questionable behavior. Because it’s not cool. And neither is your snooping. You need to talk this out and get to the bottom of what’s wrong. Your marriage needs a tune up.

    #875597 Reply
    avatardirtorsoil
    Guest

    “He was gone until midnight” Either he is courting the idea of having an affair (he might have no intention of going there, but who knows) or he is actively working towards one. You need to have a direct discussion with him, point out exactly what it is that makes you feel uncomfortable about it and ask him how _he_ will address this. Because he is your husband, who she is is moot b/c you aren’t married to her. If he stonewalls or deflects I would go to individual counseling to help sort out your own feelings. Also, if he stonewalls (again) that tells you everything you need to know.

    #875598 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Oh wow, ok. He’s talking to her about really private things like your marriage and issues with you. He’s staying out until midnight with this woman while misrepresenting those outings as “just a drink”- that alone would have been enough for me to tell my husband his friendship with that person was going to change dramatically if he wanted to stay married.

    You’re going through his phone without his knowledge or consent. Repeatedly. You don’t trust him. This is a lot more serious than the original issue implies. You said you’re in therapy already? Couples therapy? if so, that’s good, keep going. This is indicative of some pretty major problems and is more than we can advise you on. Couples therapy and individual therapy for each of you if you can swing it. There are communication, trust, and respect issues that need to be addressed.

    #875607 Reply

    Yeah, this is beyond drinks with a coworker if he’s discussing you, your relationship and she asked him if he thinks you’re controlling. That’s crossing a line. He went out for a drink and had dinner as well and then more drinks I’m assuming until midnight? Did he text or contact you at all that night? That sounds like a date. How do you know she has a bf? Not that it matters.

    #875609 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ
    Participant

    Nope! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

    “Sunshine” and “see you more” in texts by her are things he cannot control and may not have wanted to make a scene about, figuring that is “how she is” and it wasn’t worth it the awkwardness. But, talking about your marriage and how he sees you is absolutely a red-fucking-line. It’s good he didn’t trash you to her, but he should have said that the entire question was inappropriate and shut that shit and, thereafter, their post-work pow wows down. That he didn’t (and instead is leaning toward freezing you out of their interactions) means you have an issue y’all need to address with a marriage counselor.

    #875611 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    I think there counselor asked if he thought the LW was controlling?

    Regardless, I agree with what you’re saying.

    #875612 Reply
    avatarTina
    Guest

    I am so sorry everyone, there was a misunderstanding in one of my posts. He did not talk to this girl about me or our relationship. I was referring to the counselor we have seen. She is the one who asked if he found me to be generally controlling. He is definitely not want to talk to anybody else about his problems

    #875614 Reply

    Well, that’s good.
    However, this is still over the bounds of a normal friendship, IMO. He basically went out on a date with her if he told you he was getting a drink and stayed out for hours, including dinner. I would honestly ask him why this friendship means more to him than you feeling comfortable. Why instead of trying to compromise with you is he telling you you can’t come out and meet her? That’s really not a big ask.

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