Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How to heal and continue with the love of my life?

Home Forums Advice & Chat How to heal and continue with the love of my life?

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  • #1103991 Reply

    I, M24, am having trouble with my current relationship with, F24, girlfriend.

    We started out as friends almost 6 years ago, however we both have wanted to date the entire time, as we later revealed to each other. During that time we both had shitty relationships, and finally got enough nerve to reveal our mutual love for each other. We both know each other to the t, and are very much in love with each other.

    Things started strong. And admittedly fast. I’ve boughten her a car, taken her to Puerto Rico, moved in, repaired a lot of her home etc. I make good money, and I took a part time job to help her out at her work. I have an office job and she runs a kitchen, so I could use it to get some physical work in and spend time with her. We otherwise can’t really get much time together unless I stay up till 12:00 and I normally wake up around 5 for my job. I hold this sleep pattern cause I’ve always struggled with sleep so it’s not a huge deal.

    On my birthday, she threw two separate surprise parties and made me all sorts of wonderful food. I have never been happier or more in love with someone.

    She then revealed that she was still struggling with residual feelings for her ex and that had I not come along she probably would have gone back to him, and that she wanted to meet with him in a public place to get some kind of closure. She said she hasn’t because she knows how it would make me feel, and she’s right. I won’t directly say she can’t see him because it’s not my place but obviously I’m not really okay with her seeing or texting him.

    We went to Puerto Rico and while she was in the shower I glanced at her phone and noticed a text from him. I looked ( I know shame on me) and saw some texts that were a serious gut punch. Essentially he wanted to meet up for a quicky, but she turned him down, but then asked to meet up with him later. I was devastated, especially since we just arrived for a week long trip to Puerto Rico as a vacation and birthday present to her. After calming down and confronting her she again repeated that she missed him, and that on her bad days it’s hard for her to ignore the residual feelings she has. She assured me that she would never do anything physical and that her residual love for this man is something she recognizes as being sick.

    Now, I have to mention, she is bipolar and has a few other mental health conditions. The timing between the two events was a month, and she had been separated from this guy about 6 – 7 months at that point. The guy she dated is a lazy no good for nothing bum, who can’t hold a job, is a cuck, used her for money, sex, food and shelter, and cheated on her and manipulated her many times. Also, he was in a relationship with one of the women he cheated on her with. I asked her in the beginning of our relationship about the cuck side of things and if she expected to me be okay with it, and she told me no, she hated doing it but only did it to appease him.

    Between then and now, over 5 months, I have been paranoid, anxious and overwhelmed with all of my feelings and suspicions of her true feelings. I know her well, and can generally tell what she is thinking (she hates it because she feels like I can read her mind).

    Because of this texting, ive felt like a rebound or a bandaid to try and get her over this guy.

    Her family loves me, my family loves her. I only really have one friend, and he hasn’t met her cause me and him are going through our own thing. Ive felt that she was waiting for her ex to text her that he’s changed and he won’t do what he did again ( they were off and on, and that was the line he used to get her back everytime), I’ve felt that she still loves him and not just the sick part of her, etc.

    It’s destroyed some of my sanity and has been a cancer on my mind for ages. I have loved this woman for so long, I’ve ended long term relationships because of my feelings. I would give her or conquer anything for her. She is my queen.

    I’m not just a child either, I am at the top of the management tree of a small company, I’m starting my own business, and I run government regulated jobs for aerospace etc, she is the building manager of a world renowned ski resort. She is my world. Everything about her is exciting and a turn on for me. She’s brilliant and beautiful and funny. She treats me so well and is a true partner in everyway except this.

    It’s been 5 months since Puerto Rico. A week ago she told me her ex once again texted her, and he wanted to meet up with her to talk. I’ve seen their texts, almost all of it is him asking for sex. She turns him down and generally doesn’t even reply half the time. She never texts him, and my when I talked to my mom about it, she said that she might be using the texting as a proxy to deal with residual emotions. He doesn’t even remember what she did for work. His vocabulary is limited to boobs, sex and moose cock.

    I confronted her about my feelings that moment and also stated that what she is doing to move on from him and devote herself to our relationship isn’t working and that if meeting him would mean she moved on so be it.

    She broke down crying and confirmed all of my suspicions.

    She said that she can’t decide between staying with me or going back to him

    I would never tolerate that from anyone in this world and I have dated modles and people in the top of their fields… I would never tolerate it from anyone except her.

    But I don’t know what to do. She said she needed a week to decide and that she’s so sorry and she knows what she is doing to me and she can’t keep doing it because it’s not fair etc.

    She decided the very next day, and tearfully told me that she deleted everything, 5 years worth of texts, pictures everything. That she wants me and that she was stupid to even consider going back to him. She would never have been a choice for me though. I would never consider anyone else like this.

    I had talked with my mother and hers as I was distraught. They both agreed to see what she decides and if I’m willing, work it out with her and go to therapy together. Her mother said that if she went back to that worthless bum that she would disown her (she also mentioned that if she was younger and not in a relationship she would do everything to be with me and she doesn’t understand what she is doing)

    She has been apologizing profusely, giving me lots of attention and physical touch which is great but I’m still hurting. She said that with her mental health, on her bad days it’s really hard for her to use logic, and I know it was her time of the month so it was a extremely bad mental health day.

    But all of this leaves so much doubt and destroyed my ability to trust. Ive been used and cheated on before. I know what it’s like. I’ve treated her like a queen, yet I was still having to compete for her, let alone be competing against that POS. I know what she’s saying is the truth, I know her very well. I know she means it when she says she loves me and wants me but I’m hurting. I feel like I’m bleeding and can’t find the source of the blood.

    How do I move on. How do I recover. I’m running on fumes and instincts so at night I cuddle and give her massages, and half of me wants to just forget and fall asleep holding her … But the other half just wants to run

    #1103992 Reply

    This is really unhealthy. You both have a lot of serious unresolved issues from past relationships, as well as a serious power imbalance in this one.

    You gave way too much too fast because you saw her as your queen and a kind of savior, as well as the love of your life. But you hadn’t had any experience of being in a relationship with her, and you realized pretty quickly that the reality is much different than you fantasized. There are reasons she is so drawn to a guy like her ex, and those reasons stem from issues you can’t fix. Unfortunately love doesn’t fix us. And you have issues too that I think you thought this relationship would fix, but it can’t.

    She really really wants to get back with her ex because all of this stuff is unresolved and not actually addressed or fixed. She knows it’s wrong but can’t help the compulsion. There’s an extremely high likelihood that she is going to ho ahead and continue talking with him and meet up. It’s like an addiction; she can stop for a bit, but ultimately she needs whatever it is that staying in contact with him gives her. You can’t fix that.

    And the more you do for her, the more you’re really saying: “I value you over my own well-being. I know you want this other guy, and knowing that makes me want to do even more for you. I would do anything to keep you.” That sets up a very unhealthy power imbalance and probably increases the likelihood that she’ll cheat. She’s been very honest with you about her feelings, and you’ve essentially said, okay, I will double down on making this work. I know how you feel, and I will work even harder to keep you.

    The right thing to do here is acknowledge that you moved too fast and all these underlying issues are still there, making it impossible for you two to have a healthy relationship at this time. You need to step back out of this and let her address her issues, or not. You should also both seek counseling on your own. I think it would be best if there were a no-contact period where you’re both working on yourselves.

    #1103993 Reply

    I agree with Kate.

    She has issues with this man that she needs to resolve. Texting him and letting him continually proposition her for sex is her way of leaving the door open.

    I would encourage you to move out and focus on your self.

    #1103994 Reply

    Kate makes a ton of good points. You can’t fix her. And she can’t fix him. But she’s going to try. There is this terrible notion that if a woman is “good enough” then a man will change who he is and how he behaves for the sake of a good woman’s love. There is no closure here. He may beg her to come back, but he likely won’t change.

    And for men, there is this notion that if you treat her like a princess then she’ll be yours forevermore. She is choosing to pine for a guy that treats her poorly, over a guy that treats her well, because she’s got issues. Yes, you love her, but she’s treating you terribly and so do you love her, warts and all, or the idea of her, the perfect unrealistic her?

    She’s got issues. You’ve got issues. And sadly, your issues don’t complement one another – you aren’t making one another better. It may be time to accept that this relationship might destroy both of you.

    #1104008 Reply

    is she in it? if she is diagnosed with bipolar, is she on medication? does she take it? do these periods of longing for her ex coincide with a bipolar episode? is she seeing a therapist? therapy will help her manage her bipolar and develop skills to navigate life situations. And maybe help her figure out what she wants and why she wants it.

    what about therapy for you? you really deserve more. also living with someone with mental health problems is hard. therapy would help you learn to navigate that or help you realize that you can’t fix her and give you the strength to leave and put yourself first

    what about couples therapy? it goes along with individual therapy.

    face it – your current situation is untenable.

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