Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

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  • #1096096 Reply
    kh
    Participant

    Dear all,

    An update that I am now supposedly in an exclusive relationship with a guy.
    First month was getting to know each other.
    Second month, he was (and is currently still) away in another city, he didnt wanna be bothered for 2 weeks, then he contacted me saying he missed me and we got along so well that we talked about trying to be exclusive.

    The friction in our interaction has always been about me oversharing my feelings and overthinking. I will try to explain myself, which is seen by him as oversharing. And I did showed my worry from the beginning about whether we’ll become fwb, which he said we’re not and he proved it by being caring.

    Seeking your kind advice on the following case pls and I dont know what to think at the moment..

    We barely talked last week because we’re busy.
    Last night, we talked, had a good time, and at some point I said :

    “I tend to get more easily overthink about bad thought of “you probably only want sex” when we talk about sex at the moment when I dont feel connected”.

    He got angry, saying I still think so lowly of him, that What I am concerned about is that “after everything I told you, you still think negative about me and everything else about me”.
    ” you don’t mean it when you said you appreciate me. you simply say it. If you truly appreciate everything you won’t be having anxiety and overthinking. You have doubts”.
    ” What I hate about the whole thing is if someone else caused you distress or mistreated you, you can’t treat me like shit or blame me for everything or think of me as a lowly person. This needs to be changed. ”

    He also mentioned how the women he’s with will look so cool in the beginning and when things get serious, stuff like anxiety, possessive, blame him if someone else wrong them start to surface and he hates this.

    From my side, i have told him multiple times that I’m trying hard not to overshare and overthink.
    I do trust and appreciate him. I am trying.
    I have a strong tendency to run away “flight” when I’m scared but with him, I’m trying to make this work.

    I do want to be understood…
    I wish for a guy to be patient when Im tired or overthink or overshare..
    He did but he also said he reached his limit because this keeps happening. Am I selfish? What should I do?

    Thank you.

    #1096101 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    So, a relationship shouldn’t be this difficult, especially this early on. And he’s got you assuming you’re the problem here. Whether or not he’s right, I can’t say, but he doesn’t seem to be making any effort to reassure you, and mostly seems to be making you feel shitty.

    You can do better than this. You deserve better than this. A relationship should make you feel energized and happy. That doesn’t seem to be happening here and I doubt it’s because of your “oversharing”.

    #1096112 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    There’s a lot to unpack here. First off, you say that the first month was getting to know each other, but really, the “getting to know you” stage is a lot longer than a month. You didn’t know each other well at all before you transitioned to what has been a long distance relationship. Second, it sounds like you were concerned from the very beginning that he was just interested in you for sex – a concern that was maybe supported when he left for another city and didn’t want to “be bothered” for two weeks. Someone who is interested in you in more than sex would want to try to connect with you over the period of two weeks that you were apart. Honestly, even a FWB would want to connect (the F in FWB stands for “friend,” right?). Then, there’s this effort on your part to “keep trying.” And it all sounds so hard and it should not be hard this early in a relationship. It should be really easy and organic and fun and wonderful, otherwise, why bother? What’s the point?

    What are you “trying” for here? It just seems like you’re trying to make a really bad match work for you and that’s not going to happen. He’s a bad match for you. He’s told you in different ways that he’s not interested in you, that he’s reached his limit on this relationship. It isn’t because you’re “overhearing.” Please. He never had any interest in getting to know you, so you sharing anything about yourself was never appealing to him. That isn’t because YOU aren’t appealing; it’s because he’s not interested in a relationship at this time.

    It’s time to move on. Maybe take a break from dating and nurture friendships that make you feel good about yourself. Building your self-esteem would be a great use of your energy and time (there are tons of books and advice you can google if you are at a loss on where to begin), so that when you meet someone again you’re interested in, you have the confidence to believe he’d be interested in YOU and not just the sex you can give.

    #1096114 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes, truly, the beginning stages of a relationship with a guy who’s a good match feel exciting and happy and wow. You don’t feel like you do right now. He’s interested in getting to know you and how you think and feel. He wants to spend time with you and go out and do things with you. You don’t feel distrusting and insecure and wonder if he just wants sex. Because he shows you with his behavior that he wants more. If you’re feeling like this, it’s because the guy’s interest level is quite low. You’re an option. He does just want sex and is putting in the minimum effort so that may happen. You should cut ties with this one and move on.

    #1096115 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes, truly, the beginning stages of a relationship with a guy who’s a good match feel exciting and happy and wow. You don’t feel like you do right now. He’s interested in getting to know you and how you think and feel. He wants to spend time with you and go out and do things with you. You don’t feel distrusting and insecure and wonder if he just wants sex. Because he shows you with his behavior that he wants more. If you’re feeling like this, it’s because the guy’s interest level is quite low. You’re an option. He does just want sex and is putting in the minimum effort so that may happen. You should cut ties with this one and move on.

    #1096117 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    I agree with what the other folks have said that this relationship is a bad fit. I’ll also just say that it’s a bad idea to be in a new exclusive relationship with someone who is not local to you. A new relationship doesn’t have the foundation to be apart so the dynamics are all weird and messed up. Particularly if you’ve had trouble trusting people, I think it’s a bad idea because you’ll lack the reassurance that comes from regular contact.

    #1096152 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    When I first started seeing my husband literally like a week later he went away for holidays for about a month. The whole time he was texting and calling me and wanting to catch up. The day he got home after two days driving he dropped his stuff off and came straight over to my house.

    If a man is genuinely interested he will act interested, I think this man just sees you as an option.

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