This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Nicole 8 months ago.
April 8, 2018 at 3:44 pm #749544
Hi, ive never posted anything like this before but something happened today that broke my heart.
My single mother, who raised me by herself called me today crying about her life. It has always been me and my mom so when I moved away to a different country 2 years ago it really effected her life. She comes to visit me from time to time but its not easy. She works in the city but lives 2 hours away from her work so she does a lot of commuting. She doesn’t hate her job but she doesn’t love it. (its a pretty basic job nothing exciting) and unfortunately the people she works with are a lot younger than her. I can’t imagine its easy making new friends when you are in your 40’s. But my mom is an amazing person and young at heart. She loves to go dancing and do fun activities. She just needs to find a good friend to do these things with her.
If anyone could suggest some ideas, maybe places to go or things to do I would really appreciate it!April 8, 2018 at 4:35 pm #749550
I’m so sorry you just experienced that phone call. Hearing a parent cry is so heart-breaking. I hope you’re not feeling guilty for moving away, and that you realize that you’re not responsible for managing her feelings or finding her a social life (although it’s kind of you to be trying to do so).
I recommend gently suggesting she see her doctor, to ensure depression isn’t a factor here. She may also benefit from therapy.
Is your mom online? Meetups.com connects people looking for friends with others who share their interests. There are plenty of different age groups and activities – including dancing! Check out what’s being offered in her area so that you can make some suggestions.
If she reads, suggest getting a library membership. Local libraries often have book clubs and other social events. If she’s active, joining a gym, a yoga studio, or a running club (like The Running Room) is a great way to meet people.
If she’s ruling out the people at work just because of their age, she may be missing out on some potentially great friendships. I’m 31 and I made friends with a 56-year-old woman at my work. We go to a weekly exercise class together and have a ball!
Your mom’s commute sounds soul-crushing (4 hours daily??). If there’s a way she can move closer to work or get a job she enjoys closer to home, that might make a big impact on her happiness.
If you’re not already in regular contact with her, setting up a regular Skype session might help make her feel closer to you and less lonely.
Best wishes to both of you.April 9, 2018 at 7:21 am #749581
MeetUp! Seriously help her find meet up’s for dancing. Help her sign up for a dance class. What other activities does she like?
Then – here’s the hard part: Talk to the others and she has to ask them for their phone number and ask them to go for coffee. Just like a date. But not a date. But a friend-date. She has to call.
She will call some women who will not call back. Like in dating. If she sees them again, she has to just fake smile.
This is hard because women in their 40’s are all over the place. Some, like your mom, their kids are out of the house. Others have tweens and teens at home and have a lot of commitments to manage.
If she tries some new activities and tries to reach out to one or two people a week – she will connect with people.April 9, 2018 at 8:42 am #749583
I am so sorry your mother is feeling this way. I had a similar call from my mother at one time. I ached for her. I talked, listened, spend time with her, encouraged her to take social offers being presented even when she was sad and wanted to stay home. Not that your mother can or would do this but my mother decided to move to another state that offered her more freedom….working part time, buying a house outright after selling hers. Her life has improved so much. She isn’t a slave to her job anymore, she feels secure financially for the most part, and it has opened her up to being social. It isn’t easy and no path is right for everyone but sometimes making life changes is the answer. I am even considering moving where she is in the next couple years so her grandchildren are near her.April 9, 2018 at 6:39 pm #749656
I have to second (third/fourth?) meetup and group classes. One of my good friends now is someone I met in a ladies’ meetup group activity- it was a group hike at a county park and we all had brunch afterwards. I spotted one person some cash because she had left her wallet in her car and she asked if I wanted to get a glass of wine sometime (aka friend date) – and we’ve been friends ever since! And I joined her book club and made friends there. I’m sure that she (ETA: she being your mom) is not the only person out there in her situation- she just needs to connect with other people.
I also would recommend group workout or dance classes- I’ve made friends that way as well! Parks and Rec departments or local gyms might have dance classes that are open to all levels.April 10, 2018 at 2:41 pm #749737
You are a lovely, caring daughter. My heart goes out to your mother- it certainly is very daunting to find yourself seeking new friends at 40 (been there etc) I would recommend if she can sing a single note, to join a community choir- preferably one which has the odd weekend away. Even if your voice is a little bit pants and gets worse every year, singing with a group has been shown to have great benefits, and the dawn chorus has rooks amongst the larks and nightingales. might not be at all appropriate, but in that case, any activity with a common creative goal is so much more rewarding than purely social groups for many people
.April 11, 2018 at 3:12 pm #749786
NicoleApril 11, 2018 at 3:19 pm #749787
Sorry about that weird post, lol. My phone froze and I don’t know how to delete it!
My advice is to do as I did, as a women in her 30’s who lives alone. I went to Meetup.Meet up . com and joined groups that interested me. I did a few like Dodgeball, Single Ladies Drink Nights, Single Mama Playdates, and also Atheists Office Utah. From there, I windled it down to just Atheists of Utah. Met a few people, who all had spin off clubs, such as a parents group, a girls group and a coffee Meetup group. I now have almost 100 friends on my Facebook from this one group, several years later. So this changed my life in a big way, which this could also work for her.
She could also try Tinder.Com and romance and friendships could also spin from this like it has for me.
And also, if she doesn’t have a Facebook, she needs one ASAP!