How to move forward

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  • Kmdhs
    February 5, 2023 at 11:37 pm #1118594

    I’ve been with my husband for for a total of 12 years (married almost 4yrs and we were high school sweethearts). We’ve had many challenges and even went through a separation where we filed for divorced, but later called it off and got back together. I found out during the separation there was another woman, but I was told they were just talking and it wasn’t serious. I decided to move forward because we weren’t together during that time and I couldn’t be mad at him for actions that took place.

    Two days ago I was on his iPad and unfortunately my curiosity got the best of me. I ended up a lot of the messages between him and the girl. They were in a serious relationship, telling each other they loved one another, she met our son (against my wishes because we agreed we’d ask each other for permission before introducing new people to him). She also met his mom and grandma and his two best friends. They went on two trips together, talked about being together and getting married, buying a house, and much more.

    I don’t know how to move forward with him. I’m mad that he lied to me, but I’m more hurt than anything. He was communicating with her in a way I had been basically begging for for years. He was affectionate with her in a way I haven’t seen since before we had our son. I tried to have a conversation with him about it and he basically made excuses for it and told me he’s building back up that level with me and he’s not there yet. I asked him why he chose to come back to me and not stick with her, and he said he loves me and knows our future together would be better.

    I can’t help but to keep comparing myself to the girl, and not in a way where I’m comparing my looks to hers, but I just can’t stop thinking about how he willingly gave her sooo much of him, yet here I am still getting a person that seems to be with me out of convenience. I don’t know how I can even have sex with him again without thinking about the way they talked about their sex from the night before. I really feel like we should have just finalized the divorce and as if I blew up something good for him (I reached out mid divorced and told him I wasn’t really wanting to be divorced and expressed my feelings which essentially opened the door for us to get back together). I don’t know how to accept the past for what it’s worth and move forward. And yes I know I’m totally in the wrong for snooping and have already expressed this to him.

    February 6, 2023 at 5:49 am #1118595

    Did you two ever do any counseling? I think you need to. Do you have health insurance? If so, call the number on your card and ask about your options for therapy. Individual therapy for you would be great too.

    I think the biggest concern right now is you’ve lost trust in him. And yeah, moving forward without trust doesn’t work. But idk, it sounds like he lied because he wanted to be with you and was trying to protect you from being hurt. And I’m not sure you demanded total honesty.

    Look, after the rough time you two had for years, to the point of getting divorced, and now finding out he lied about this whole relationship he had, you need professional guidance to get through this. Things won’t just magically start working smoothly. This is an uphill climb.

    February 6, 2023 at 8:19 am #1118596

    I don’t know when this separation was, but it seems recent to me if he was dumb enough to keep all those messages. I don’t thin’ you should feel guilty for “snooping,” is it snooping if you’ve been together for 12 years?

    Why did you get back together with him? Why are you in a relationship where you don’t trust him, and he doesn’t give you the intimacy you crave? Is it for the kids? Seeing you accept the bare minimum and stay unhappy for years is not going to teach your children good things about relationships.

    I think counseling is probably a great idea, even if it’s just for you.

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    February 6, 2023 at 9:54 am #1118597

    Yes to counseling. I don’t see how you move forward without it. it seems, if he had one option that seemed to make him happy that he chose you over, then there’s must be a reason and there is potential to salvage your marriage, but you both really need to clarify why you’re in it, what your common goals are, what your respective needs are and how you are going to work towards meeting each other’s needs and re-building trust. I think you are beyond the point of answering these questions on your own.

    February 7, 2023 at 10:31 am #1118631

    I agree with the others, counseling together and individually for yourself as well if you can swing it.

    I’m assuming your separation didn’t span years, how long were these two together? Maybe 6 months? In that case, it’s important to remember that what you’re reading is the honeymoon phase of their relationship. The period where everything is new and the sex is so good and you just think about that person all the time. There’s no late nights with a new baby, or worries about money because someone lost their job, or having to pick her hair out of the drain for the millionth fucking time. You can’t compare a relationship nearly 2 decades in to that.

    The fact that he lied about her meeting your child is a big deal. That’s a betrayal of your parenting relationship and a serious reason not to trust him. Depending on the age of your child that might also mean he instructed your kid to lie to you, and if that’s the case I’m not sure you can, or should, come back from that.

    Assuming that’s not the case and you want to try to salvage things, I think the really important takeaway is: you now know he’s capable of the emotional intimacy you’ve been wanting, but he’s still not giving it you. You say you worry he got back together with you out of convenience, but why did you get back together with him? Did he commit to giving you what you needed and that’s not happening? Or did you simply hope he’d changed? Make a list of the things you need, the timeline you need them in, and how he might address your very valid concerns around lying and trust. Also write down your plans if these things aren’t addressed – is it to continue with the divorce? Then take that list to couples therapy.

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How to move forward

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