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How to move forward

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  • #829671 Reply
    avatarYoung and Naive(?)

    So, I met this guy in my first semester of college, august 2018. I am 18 and he is 22. We ended up exchanging phone numbers, per the professors request that we have someone to text in case we need notes. We texted on and off the entire semester with light flirting but nothing too serious. I was beginning to think he liked me back. He would always make comments on hanging out either really early or really late at night which should be a red flag right? He would make some sexual comments, which i didn’t mind but mostly told him he was crazy because it made me nervous. I told him how i was a virgin and the thought of sex genuinely terrified me. He was really sweet and told me we didn’t have to do anything and he would be okay with just being friends. The semester ends and I ask him if he wants to hang out, around 3pm. (This was the second week of January) I ended up losing my virginity. It wasn’t bad at all and he continued to ask me if I was okay, even days later. We agreed to meet up again but our plans fell through. I live with my grandmother and just as I was on the way to his house via lyft, she started to ask alot of questions and offered to drive me. I eventually backed down and stayed home. I cancelled on him last minute which made him upset. I told him i was sorry and that later that day would be better. He told me he wouldn’t be home until late that day and I swallowed my pride and told him that was fine because i just wanted to see him again. That was the last time i heard from him. He posted on his instagram story and saw mine, but never texted me. I texted him February 2nd asking if he was okay and no response! I am so embarrassed. I thought he liked me enough to not ghost me. I also don’t understand why he did that when everything seemed fine? Maybe I should have mentioned the exact reason of why I couldn’t come over? My virginity has always been such a big deal to me and I feel so dumb for giving it up to him when I only knew him for 5 months. I wish he would just tell me he got what he wanted and that he’s done with me or something. Please help, I have no clue how to move forward.

    #829679 Reply

    Sorry but sounds like he lost interest. It Would have been nice if he had told you that instead of ghosting you, but well…welcome to the dating world. Sometimes it sucks. And sometimes people are not very considerate. I also don’t understand why you canceled on him. You are 18, old enough to make your own decisions about sex. You need to get over your hangup about loosing your virginity. It had to happen eventually. You’ll be fine.

    #829685 Reply

    OK, your virginity is not a big deal. Really, people assigned value to a body part because it’s attached to your uterus. You aren’t a different person because you had intercourse. You had an experience for the first time like going skiing for the first time or taking the subway by yourself. Don’t focus on virginity. It’s made up and anyone who respects you less because you’ve had sex isn’t worth your time.

    This guy sucks. He enjoyed the chase, he got sex out of it and when you weren’t sure you wanted to continue having sex with him – he bailed. He didn’t really respect you, he wanted sex.

    So with this new experience, you need to be more up front with what you expect from someone. If you are going to have sex, one protect yourself. Condoms all the way. Seriously, enforce a policy of “Must have jacket to enter establishment”; like a nice restaurant. Two, say what you want: I want an exclusive relationship. Watch their behavior. Does he do thoughtful things for you? Is he listening to what you’re saying or only trying to get you to a sexual conversation? If you say that you hate black olives and he loves olives, does he order pizza with olives? Does he demand your time when you’re busy? Or is he just trying to get you into sexting, bed, whatever?

    #829688 Reply

    I agree that what he did kind of sucks but I think you expected more out of it than you should’ve. He liked you, wanted to have sexy, and did. Sex does not equal a relationship. Most, or many, college age kids arent going to be looking for anything serious.

    #829698 Reply

    I don’t think he’s as bad a guy as some are making him out to be. After canceling first date, she did try to re-schedule to later at night. If he was just after sex, I think he would have thought he had a good chance then, but he didn’t take her up on it. Sounds like he thought she could handle sex, decided she couldn’t, things were suddenly very awkward, and he wasn’t brave enough to formally break up. Didn’t want to talk through it, because he had decided that she was too young, younger than he had thought she was, in a maturity sense. I’m not saying he couldn’t have handled this a lot better, he certainly could have.

    #829699 Reply

    He didn’t break up with her? They had gone on like, 1 date, there was no breaking up that needed to happen.

    #829714 Reply

    It wasn’t even a date. They’d been text-flirting a little, then met up and had sex. So no, I don’t see the need for a formal breakup, there was no relationship there. It wasn’t nice of him to ghost her, but he probably saw it as a casual one-time hookup, and figured she did too.

    LW, don’t feel bad about losing your virginity. It’s kind of a myth that your first time will be special and sacred and life will never be the same again. To me, the special-ness is all about the person I’m with, not some arbitrary (and dated) cultural thing. I lost my virginity with a college boyfriend. I look back now and can’t imagine what I saw in him, but it made me happy at the time. I’ve had experiences that were a thousand times more special and meaningful than that long-ago “first time.” You will, too.

    There’s a lesson to take away from this: don’t assume that having sex with someone will lead to a relationship. Sex is just sex. Sometimes it happens in relationships, sometimes it happens outside of relationships.

    #829721 Reply
    avatarNorthern Star

    I think this guy sounds like a turd. I don’t buy that “he probably saw it as a casual one-time hookup, and figured she did too.”

    He knew she was a virgin who was scared of sex. He reassured her that she was safe, screwed her, and then disappeared. Halfway decent guys don’t act like that.

    But LW: Now you know you don’t need to be afraid of the act itself. Hopefully you also realize that sex doesn’t change who you are as a person.

    #829748 Reply

    If you like a guy but don’t want to have sex, especially the first time you meet up with him, don’t go to his place. Insist on meeting at a coffee shop, bar, restaurant, bowling alley, etc. Meet some place public where you can spend some time with him but he can’t pressure you to have sex. That helps to make it more explicit that there will be no sex involved. When you do meet up, if you don’t want to have sex, refuse to go on to his place after the public place.

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