How to move on?
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Someone I considered a friend recently ghosted me, so I stopped contacting them. They eventually reached out (through text) to let me know they decided they no longer wanted to be friends, but it was a backhanded message. For background, I dated this person for a short time before they called things off because they weren’t over their ex. I decided to stop talking to them, but restarted when I found out they were not doing well mentally. I helped them get through a lot of bad behaviors, I pushed them to get professional help, I was there whenever they needed me, etc.
Once things became somewhat stable, I decided to have a conversation to address everything that had happened but they refused. I’m not sure why I decided to continue, big mistake I know. Overtime, it became exhausting. Every time I tried to do something for me or enjoy a night out they’d leave without a word and then blame me for not understanding them. Even at big events like graduation, somehow it was my fault/problem they were not happy. I’d always get empty apologies through texts.
I was the one putting in all the effort, but not feeling cared for at all. In the end they said I couldn’t get over my resentment for what they had done to me, and that I should just move on. (Meanwhile, this person had repeatedly told me once I get into a relationship I better not abandon them, even though we were strictly friends.) I responded one last time, respectfully explaining my pov and stated that it’s over this time, for good. I still wished them well, but got blocked on everything- which was even more hurtful.
I know I made a mistake and it was a toxic friendship (if you could even call it that) that I should’ve ended a lot sooner. I stupidly convinced myself they’d change or things would get better. I think I mostly just feel used and upset that we couldn’t even end it on neutral terms (especially the blocking- unfollowing I could see but blocking just felt like a punch in the gut). I figured we’d just end up letting the friendship fizzle out, not end so harshly. I don’t know why they bothered pretending to be “friends” if they seemingly hated me in the end. I know this is a lesson learned, but any advice on how to move on?
Whenever a friendship ends, there’s a grieving process to get through – just like when you experience any kind of loss. Grief isn’t linear. You move through the stages in a nonlinear way – sadness for a bit then anger then back to sadness then and eventually you move on to acceptance. Since this was a friendship you wanted out of anyway, I wouldn’t think the grieving process will take much time for you. I would imagine your hurt feelings and anger are the feelings that are likely most prominent, and really, time will get you through them soon enough.
If you wanted to help the process along a little bit, you could write a letter to your friend (but don’t send it!), where you get all your thoughts down on paper and articulate what it is that has really upset you about the way you were treated. When you’re done, consider burning the letter (maybe over a sink or a bowl of water) and tell yourself that this chapter has ended and you honor the friendship for the lesson it taught you and now you release it so that you can move into a new chapter of peace.
The transition from dating to just friends can be very difficult. One of the friends having mental health issues makes it far more difficult. Although he was the one who decided against further dating, it sounds like he later wanted to resume dating, which is why you got the comment about not abandoning them once you got into a relationship.
You need to figure out why you are so attached to this guy. You dated for a short while, then he broke up with you. Then for some reason you nominated yourself as the savior who would guide him through his mental health problems. Sounds like you didn’t accept the breakup and wanted to recreate a relationship, although you had only dated briefly. You stayed in what you describe as a one-sided friendship, taking emotional abuse from him and seemingly hoping that all the help you were providing would rekindle romantic feelings on his end. It seems to have just created a daily-living dependency on you. It was an unhealthy friendship for both of you. I think in the end that he recognized this and pulled away.
You might consider some therapy for yourself to try to figure out your own actions: why you took on the savior role, what you expected in return, why you are so disturbed by the end of this very unhealthy friendship. You aren’t his parent, psychologist, or gf. Why did you decide to fix him?
(I don’t think anyone is using male pronouns, Ron.)
People rarely change. Never expect that to happen, unless you know the person really well, and they are dedicated and disciplined. THis was not a great friendship, so grieve it but try and get back out there. In a few years hopefully you won’t even think of this. In my experience, it’s very difficult to be friends with exes, usually someone has stronger feelings or hurt feelings. Just move on cleanly and you won’t experience so much negativity.
(I don’t think anyone is using male pronouns, Ron.)
People rarely change. Never expect that to happen, unless you know the person really well, and they are dedicated and disciplined. THis was not a great friendship, so grieve it but try and get back out there. In a few years hopefully you won’t even think of this. In my experience, it’s very difficult to be friends with exes, usually someone has stronger feelings or hurt feelings. Just move on cleanly and you won’t experience so much negativity.
