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How To Negotiate Successfully

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This topic contains 120 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 2 months ago.

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  • #815159 Reply
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    Charlie

    I was supposed to get married to my boyfriend last April but he backed out two weeks prior because he said he didn’t think it would work with my 14 year old son. I was trying to restart my life elsewhere but was unsuccessful. Fast forward- We have all be living together for almost six months with no marriage in site. We been together 3 years and I don’t want to wake up after 5 years and still be introducing him as my ex-fiancee. I shouldn’t have to relocate to the other side of the planet for his light bulb to go off.

    #815160 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Your light bulb is the one not going off. You should leave him.

    #815161 Reply
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    JD

    So many left out details. Why would you have to relocate if you already live together? Regardless catch on! He isn’t wanting to marry you. I’m not sure if your son was 14 then or now. I suppose him thinking it won’t work out with the kid could be less of an issue now if the kid is grown and out of the house. If he feels that way then you listen to that. Stepkids are FUCKING HARD!!! Stepkids having step parents is FUCKING HARD! If that isn’t something he wants to commit to then that is his choice. He seems content with how things are now. If you aren’t you talk to him, not us. Doesn’t sound like there is much point though since he’s been pretty clear.

    #815162 Reply
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    Kate

    Ok, unfortunately you gave up all ability to negotiate when you moved in with him. What that move communicated was this: “Ok, you win, marriage isn’t important to me, let’s just live together, even though you said you don’t think it can work.” There is nothing you can do to get him to want to marry you. He already said no, and that was not a smart idea to move in with him. You demonstrated that you’re willing to settle because you can’t make it on your own. He knows you need him. You’ve got no cards. Moreover, why are YOU trying to make it work with a guy who doesn’t want to marry you and be your kid’s stepdad?

    You should be planning how to move out for real and date other guys.

    #815163 Reply

    Why would you subject your son to this let alone yourself?

    #815164 Reply
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    JD

    Also agree with Kate. When I moved in with my husband, and moved to do so, it was CLEAR it was to get married and that happened quickly. You are agreeing to the terms of your relationship.

    #815166 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Your boyfriend’s “lightbulb” will never go off, because he would be OK with you leaving him. He already made that decision when he called off the wedding, because there was a good chance you’d leave him. You didn’t. And now you’ve proved you’ll stick with him even if he hurts and embarrasses and doesn’t commit to you.

    #815169 Reply
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    Charlie

    My kid is 14 now. He is no walk in the park. My day begins with screaming and ends with screaming and I thought things would magically get better after marriage. There’s no cure for it. It’s hell and chaos but he and I have weathered it okay so far. We only have 3.5 years left.

    #815170 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    He doesn’t want to marry you. This isn’t something you can negotiate. You’re wasting your time.

    Also, why on earth would you introduce him to people as your ex-fiancee and not your boyfriend (I assume this is what he is to you now)? How odd.

    #815172 Reply
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    Kate

    Wait, what? Your kid is a handful and you thought that would magically get better after marriage?

    Also, it’s not normal at all to begin and end every day with screaming. Something is really wrong, and I say that as someone who grew up with a special needs sibling and a decent amount of screaming. Have you sought professional help for you and your son?

    #815173 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Sounds like he is smart for not wanting to stepparent a perpetual screaming match. What are you doing to help your son with his behavioral problems? Or are you too focused on your love life to be a parent?

    Aside from that, this marriage isn’t a negotiation. There is no compromise to seek between “I want to get married” and “I don’t want to get married.” Or I guess there is, and its living together without any formal commitment which is making you miserable. Break up, move out, take care of yourself and your son, and when you do get married, do it to someone who really WANTS to marry you (and you them), not someone who you need to negotiate into it.

    All I see is magical, wishful thinking– marriage will fix it; moving in together will fix it; moving to the other side of the world will fix it. No. Its broken and it won’t just magically get fixed.

    #815174 Reply
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    Vathena

    “I thought things would magically get better after marriage.” Yeah, because that’s how it works, happens all the time… /s

    If you begin and end your day screaming at your child, you should look into family therapy. There is no reason why you have to live that way. Also, why is your bf willing to live with you and your son, but not get married? It’s just the paper at that point. He doesn’t want to commit to you now, and he won’t in 3.5 years either. Also, just a heads-up that you don’t stop being a parent the day your child turns 18. That’s still your child.

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