Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How to process things?

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  • #864147 Reply

    The other day after a big three day fight wherein i was made out to be a terrible person and called many names, the guy I’m seeing texted me forgiving me for lying about not seeing anyone at the beginning of the relationship when i had had sex with another guy a week after i had first met him. He asked to see me. I went to his house and he was drunk but he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. He said he had thought about it while he was sober and was going to ask me anyway. Everything that night was so good and perfect and though I had some reservations about being in a relationship for the first time, I thought it would at least be good because we obviously now could make things work. The next morning when I woke up he was upset again. He had gone through my friends on facebook and realised i had deleted about forty people, making the accusation that they were all boys i had been in contact with while i was seeing him which was not the case.
    He soon revealed that he had had a sexual encounter with a girl while he’d been overseas a couple of months ago when we had agreed prior that we’d tell each other if that happened prior to him going overseas. Although i was hurt, i was willing to put that aside for the sake of the relationship and how good i believe it is.
    All day yesterday, he was flicking between saying he wanted in a relationship, to saying he wanted to just keep seeing each other while we saw other people, to saying he just wanted to be friends, and that he wanted to end things. We talked about it all day and couldn’t come to a solution where we could see each other and not see anyone else because we both don’t trust each other. We eventually decided that the best option is to take a break so we can both process what’s happened and decide what we want.
    The thing is that i’m not really sure how to do that. I think the main issues are:
    1. How he abused me for three days for lying to him.
    2. How he didn’t tell me about the girl he hooked up with while we were seeing each other while he crucified me for doing something when we were barely even seeing each other and hadn’t yet defined anything.
    3. That he got in a relationship with me and then backed out because he hadn’t thought about it properly which i was giving time to think about. And also that he screwed me around all day giving me hope and then repeatedly taking it away.
    The whole relationship over this year has been insanely good and we never fought until now. I can’t think of a reason why it would be bad to continue seeing each other. I’m just at a loss and I don’t know how to figure this out.

    #864152 Reply

    Isn’t this your second post on same topic. Same answer: MOA, now. You should not want to be with this guy. Things were perfect when he was drunk?

    #864154 Reply

    This is the guy who read your diary, right?

    “ I can’t think of a reason why it would be bad to continue seeing each other. ”

    Let me summarize your letter.

    The guy verbally abuses you for three days, calls you terrible names, then asks you to come over and drunkenly asks you to be his girlfriend.

    Then he turns around and goes nuts the very next day, makes ugly accusations again, says he doesn’t trust you, confesses to cheating on you, so you don’t trust him either.

    Read that again. He goes batshit crazy because he thinks you were cheating on him…when he was cheating on you.

    There’s your reasons why it would be bad to continue seeing each other. There are millions of men out there, the great majority of whom are not abusive assholes. There’s no reason to give up your self-respect for a loser who doesn’t respect you, and that you don’t trust.

    #864155 Reply

    Yes, it is my second post on the same topic. Sorry, I’m new to this.
    I meant that he was drunk but things were good and he seemed sincere about making this newly defined relationship work.

    #864156 Reply

    I am not a relationship expert by any definition but in my opinion this doesn’t sound like he wants to be in a relationship with you. If I am reading this correctly, he brought up you sleeping with someone over a year ago before you were exclusive and grilled you about it as an excuse to break up with you after he cheated on you? I would think he is using this as an excuse so he doesn’t feel like an asshole for cheating on you and breaking up with you.

    I am in a similar situation with the giving you hope and taking it away. I am trying to get off that merry go round ride and I understand it is difficult. I wish you the best.

    #864161 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker

    “I can’t think of a reason why it would be bad to continue seeing each other”. See the 3 issues listed in your post. These are all perfect reasons to walk away from a broken, dysfunctional relationship.

    #864162 Reply

    I feel like my biggest thing is just that i don’t know how to change my thinking from seeing him as the person i always thought he was. At times he’s been my only friend and social outlet. He makes me feel better about other things that aren’t great in my life, without me even needing to talk about it.
    I feel like I’m also deterred from the possibility of moving on and leaving this because I don’t want to have to endure the process of “dating” and all the initial awkwardness and wading though crowds of boys who just want sex.

    #864213 Reply

    I’d advise dumping him. You say he has in the past been your only friend and social outlet-he has either tried to make this the case, or he has taken advantage of this being the case, in order to control you and make you dependant. He freaked out at you because he is a liar himself, so if you stay with him, he will cheat and lie again and his reaction to that will be to bully and accuse you- it will not matter whether you actually have done anything or not. You will never, ever be able to trust him not to read your private correspondence.And he will continue to isolate you, all this yes/no/I’m not sure you’re worthy/ crap is designed to make you so insecure you are scared to dump him. Are there boys out there just interested in sex? Yes. But there are also plenty who want a fine relationship of equals. He’s not one.

    #864220 Reply

    “ He soon revealed that he had had a sexual encounter with a girl while he’d been overseas a couple of months ago when we had agreed prior that we’d tell each other if that happened prior to him going overseas.”

    What did I tell you in your other post???

    Seriously, this guy is terrible. He invades your privacy (diary, FB), lies, cheats (he slept with someone AFTER you made that agreement), calls names, gaslights you… that’s all abusive, by the way… and after a YEAR, he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.

    You need to mentally accept this instead of being willfully blind.

    #864225 Reply

    Also, back to this:

    “ insists that I am still lying and claims that I have been seeing other people the entire time, which i have not.”

    HE probably HAS been seeing other people the entire time. Accusing you of that is a tell.

    Even if he hasn’t, he has wanted to and still wants to. You say you’re afraid of dating, because boys just want sex. First of all, that’s not true. Second, what does this guy want? He wants to have sex with you without having to be your boyfriend. He wants to be able to hook up with other people but prevent you from doing the same. He’s manipulated you into being loyal to him, while he’s not loyal to you. Now he knows he can keep getting away with it. He’s really really bad news. You should run.

    #864242 Reply

    This relationship is dead. You are beating a dead horse. Forget it, bless your luck to be unburdened of this mess of a boyfriend. He is controlling. Really, move on and block him. You deserve much better and please, don’t think you can’t do better than that.
    Dating is uncertain but that is also the thrill. What is certain is that you won’t accept to be abused and mistreated. Make it your red line.

    #864253 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    Again, the answer here is to get as far away from this guy as you can. He’s told and shown you who he is – a lying, cheating, gaslighting, controlling, jealous, privacy-invading asshat who doesn’t even really want to be your boyfriend. Whatever you’re imagining he is other than that is just you engaging in some major wishful thinking. This guy won’t change. You’re relationship with him – whatever it is – won’t change. And all the time you’re spending being yelled at, manipulated and gaslit by him is time you could be spending with someone who actually makes you feel good and cares about you. MOA!!

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