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How to recover

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  • #875952 Reply
    avatarHolly
    Member

    My now ex-partner and I had been together 5 years. I have just turned 24 and he is 22. The relationship has not been perfect, we argue and annoy the shit out of each other but when times were good, they were amazing and I guess that’s what i hold onto. We had a break around a year ago which lasted a couple of months, we reconciled and it went back to the way things were but better, we argued less and seemed to get on and appreciate each other’s company more than what we did. However, when we did argue, the arguments were so much worse than they had ever been, he became so short tempered and angry and even resulted in physical violence. The first occasion he physically got on top of me and punched my arms and legs which left me covered in bruises for weeks. The most recent occasion was that he got angry and threw his jacket at me with such force that the buckle busted my forehead open pretty deep that meant I needed 4 stitches in my head and eyebrow.
    That was a couple of months ago and it has not happened since, On the 13th it was his birthday and on the 14th it was mine, so we spent a really long weekend together and it was the happiest we have been in a long time, it was a really beautiful weekend and I felt I was living in a dream.
    On Tuesday after a really small argument, I could see he was beginning to get very frustrated and at one point got in my face when shouting, so because I was scared I back away and asked him to leave, I went and sat in the kitchen and cried my eyes out while he packed his stuff. Even in that moment I so desperately didn’t want him to leave but I stayed seated and he left without saying a word.
    What I am getting to, and failing to understand is why I am so desperate to seek his validation and to want him to want and love me, right now even after everything I just want him to come home, which I know is so fucked up. I feel so incredibly broken and alone and honestly I can recognise that I have been very depressed since he first put his hands on me but have chosen to suffer in silence which I know is my fault but since Tuesday I feel so much worse and think about suicide often because I’m hurting so much. Being in my head at the moment is really not a good place.
    I just don’t understand why it would be so easy for him to walk away when I wasn’t the person who did anything wrong? But in his mind I am the person who has ruined this or so he says. I feel so depressed and I miss him, my whole body and mind is currently infatuated with the want for him even though I know we aren’t meant to be together and how toxic the relationship is. Currently my vision is cloudy and all I can think about is how happy we was last week. I have tried to call because i miss him so much and he tells me that I am harassing him and to go and fix myself and he is sick of me making him angry and that he just wants to move on. It breaks my heart and I am angry because I know It shouldn’t after everything he has done?
    I don’t have really anyone to speak to about this, my family and friends wouldn’t understand me and frankly I am so embarrassed to tell them what has been going on. I understand I need to speak to someone professional but I don’t know much about seeking help in the UK, so I feel really stuck and heartbroken at the situation and angry myself. I can’t see a way out of this right now, any suggestions or advise? Thank you.

    #875968 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Oh Holly – I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please please please reach out to local organizations that specialize in domestic violence. Please consider a group therapy option because you need to hear that this is common and his behavior is not OK.

    You asked why do are you seeking out his validation – you want to be loved. You want him to always be that sweet loving person – you want only that piece of him. You’re thinking if you were good enough, calm enough, nice enough then he’d always be that nice person. That’s not how it works. He takes out his frustration on you regardless of whether you caused the frustration. He blames you for his own shortcomings because he can.

    And because you came back after the first time – you showed him that you’re willing to do anything to be with him. That’s a powerful powerful statement and he’s going to take advantage of it.

    You need to leave. You need to never go back. Please remember, he doesn’t do this to his friends. He doesn’t get angry at them and then sit on top of them punching them. He doesn’t do this to his co-workers or his boss. He does this to the person he’s supposed to love most. This is not love. This is abuse.

    Please stay safe.

    #875986 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Holly, please call 1-800-799-7233, they can help you, especially if you are feeling suicidal. You can also visit http://www.thehotline.org, there is a wealth of information on there about domestic violence and everything you have gone through and are feeling. What you are describing- the blame placed on you, the cycle of violent episode/honeymoon period, the escalating fights and violence, your feelings of self worth being tied to him coming back, his callous ability to walk away – literally all of these are the classic hallmarks of abuse. You are not alone. You are not by any means the first person to have all of these thoughts and feelings. It’s really important that you break free of him and don’t allow him back into your life- your survival depends on it. It will get better, you will be ok. Please call the hotline. You also need to start counseling. If you can’t afford it call domestic violence or women’s shelters in your area, they can help you find affordable help.

    #875996 Reply

    Many years ago I was in a situation similar to yours, except the police were involved and my abuser was locked up for a few days in the immediate aftermath of his actions. I was alone, in the apartment we shared, huddled in the fetal position crying my eyes out because it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. He’d never been physical with me before and I was so destroyed that obviously he didn’t really love me, this was sick, and we’d have to break up. I loved him so much. He had successfully isolated me from many friends and family. I felt truly alone. I was ashamed and embarrassed and so sad that the relationship I had nurtured for years was all for nothing.

    In spite of this shame and embarrassment, I called my mother. I called my siblings, and my close friends. My dad was furious but instead of doing something stupid, he sent me a bunch of money to move out to a different apartment.

    I would like to encourage you to reach out to family and friends that you trust. You might not think they’d understand, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help you. I’m sure you feel ashamed and embarrassed, but the people who love you will not ridicule you for reaching out. They will want to help you.

    This is not your fault. Domestic abuse is sadly very common. The advice above is good, I’m sure there are sources in the U.K. Google around. There may be women’s shelters near you that could help you as well. If you can figure out how, I would really advise therapy for you. This will help you realize how blameless you are, and help you see the red flags of abuse that you probably didn’t notice or brushed to the side.

    Please take care of yourself, do not call him. Please leave him alone. He wants you to feel desperate for his “love.” It’s not love. This is not what you need to feel good about yourself. He is not going to make you feel whole. Block his number, talk to friends and family. Maybe see if you can get a new number.

    Take care. Be careful. Be smart. Good luck.

    #876013 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    She said she’s in the UK, so the number is

    The freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

    #876017 Reply
    avatarHolly
    Member

    Thank you everyone for your comments and advise above. I am at work at the moment but will try to speak to my family about how i am feeling and everything that has happened over the past week. Thank you again.

    #876018 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Oh I’m sorry, I missed that detail. Yes, the UK number is the one FYI gave. Paladin National Stalking Advocacy group (founded by the amazing Scotland Yard criminal profiler Laura Richards) in the UK also has a great resource page with links to resources, including Refuge UK and the Respect phoneline, which you can call 24/7 at 0845 112 8609

    https://paladinservice.co.uk/contact-links/

    You can also Google “your town” + domestic violence resources

    #876024 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    what everyone else has said about the domestic abuse hotline, what you are feeling right now is absolutely normal and you WILL get through this, it just takes time, if you just want to talk to a good listening ear the Samaritans are also a very good place to call.When I left a similarly nasty ex I cried over him every day for a long time – the “magical connection, nobody else could ever be the same,” etc etc but now– migod I am so glad I got away. I’m so glad you have got away, too, you just need to look after yourself, take all the help you can and give it time, you will get over him.

    #876046 Reply
    avatardirtorsoil
    Guest

    LW- It sounds like you co-habited with this person, and he has now left. If this is the case you need to change the locks ASAP, if you are living in a rental property, contact the landlord and tell them that you are a victim of domestic violence and you need the locks changed ASAP. At least that way you have peace of mind for your physical security. Others have offered good advice for your emotional well being. If you call a domestic abuse hotline they can advise you on next steps. You need to treat this like and emergency triage situation: secure your physical safety first: change the locks, alert your boss/friends/family to the situation so that if he shows up at you work/their homes they know to call the police. You need support right now, so forget pride and embarrassment. This is about saving your life.

    The thing about abusers is that they are never 100% shit, because they need a lure to get you back in the situation. It’ll take you a long time to untangle all this in your head. Its a blessing that he has left and is telling you to stop calling. Take this gift and use it to protect yourself. It’ll be very painful for awhile, but you need to keep your head down and push through b/c it will get better.

    #876061 Reply

    UK woman here –

    Go to your local police station and tell them what he has done – if not for you, then for any future women he may end up with.

    Citizens advice bureau are very helpful for a lot of things – including womens shelters and putting you in touch with relevant helplines, charities and support networks.

    The man you want him to be is not there. He is a domestic abuser. You have done NOTHING to warrant that treatment. I don’t care if you were provoking him, getting up in his face, screaming at him to hit you… if he cannot control his own anger and walk away to calm down instead of hitting you, he is not a safe person to be with, and trust me when I say the abuse will only get worse because he knows he can get away with it.

    Get this man out of your life, get counselling, start doing things you love, build your confidence and self esteem. You will find someone who loves you and wouldnt dream of ever putting you in harms way xx

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