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How to relax re engagement

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  • #836455 Reply
    avatarwannab
    Guest

    Hey all,

    Just looking for some tips to relax, chill out, slow my roll about wanting to get engaged. Partner says it’s going to happen but i’m feeling a lack of control around it which increases my anxiety. I want to not be so wound up about it and not add pressure to the situation. Has anyone else felt this way and have any tips on how to handle this? Perhaps i just need a new hobby…

    #836463 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    What’s the timeframe in which it’s “going to happen?”

    #836467 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Sit down and talk about it. What’s the timeline? Is he proposing? Most of my married pals had more of a conversation and bought a ring, or had the convo and then proposal came within a short period of time. Do you want to propose?

    Maybe if you discuss this calmly, together and agree on a timeline and how it’s all happening, you’ll feel better.

    If talking about it = he says he feels pressured, then you should really consider whether your relationship is ready for marriage. You need to be able to talk about the hard stuff, the sensitive stuff without it turning into an argument or “feeling pressured.” Also, do you really want to marry someone who’s maybe not quite ready for that? Why would taking more time be bad?

    #836469 Reply
    avatarwannab
    Guest

    We are scheduled to move in together at the end of June and i have expressed that i’m not interested in moving unless we are engaged and he says not to worry. While i know an engagement doesn’t really guarantee things will work out, i feel i need that level of commitment before i can move.

    #836470 Reply
    avatarMP
    Guest

    Have y’all talked about a timeline?

    You don’t need to feel a lack of control if you have a proper timeline conversation and honestly discuss what engagement entails for you and your partner! Ex: Does engagement mean a surprise question + diamond ring? Or does engagement mean having a mutual talk where you discuss a specific point in time where you have a wedding and become legally bound with or without jewelry involved? Communication in relationships is healthy, feeling anxious about the state of your relationship is not.

    Also you could just….. propose to your partner? I notice the lack of gendered pronouns so I won’t assume you’re a heterosexual pairing (even if this is a hetero thing, women can propose to men!).

    #836471 Reply
    avatarwannab
    Guest

    We have talked about marriage several times and have purchased a ring. I’d love to propose (to have a sense of control!) but he said it is important to him to be the one to do it.

    #836473 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    So he has a ring, and he knows he needs to propose before you sign a lease, right? So between now and the end of May?

    Knowing that, what’s making you anxious?

    #836474 Reply
    avatarMP
    Guest

    Ok it’s good y’all talked and got a ring!

    Personally I’d approach the conversation by talking about when-ish y’all would like to get married (so summer of 2020 for example?) and then talk about how long you’d like to be engaged/do wedding planning before that (6 months? A year? Or maybe 3 weeks from the proposal so you can get hitched in Vegas?) This is how me and my husband talked about engagement/marriage. We’re both Virgos so we don’t mess around lol!

    #836475 Reply
    avatarMP
    Guest

    Oh wait, I missed your earlier comment about moving in prior sorry. Me and hubs moved in together > got engaged > got married so hmm maybe I don’t have the most suitable advice.

    #836477 Reply
    avatarwannab
    Guest

    I think the anxiety is just my own insecurities sticking out – that maybe i don’t “deserve” to be proposed to or that i’m not “worthy” of this awesome dude. When i typed out that there’s a ring and a timeline, i realized that maybe it is silly to be stressed about the proposal and perhaps that’s just a proxy for the self doubts i have and i know a proposal won’t get rid of those so i really ought to work on that. I can make a plan for working on those and that will also give me a sense of control over things (clearly i am not good at change!).

    #836478 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    Wait. He has the ring. He knows you want to be engaged before you move in together. You have plans to move in together in June. He said to not worry about it.

    So, you know your basic timeline. You know he has a ring. What @kate said. What’s making you anxious?

    ETA from your update. Yes, I’d just relax a little bit. Breath. You can’t be in control of every minute detail. You have have a lot of big changes coming up. Breath. Think of ways you can feel better about the change. Or things you can do.

    #836481 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I mean, to occupy your time, you could have a few sessions with a therapist about your general insecurities that make you feel not worthy.

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