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Dear Wendy

How to relax re engagement

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  • #836483 Reply

    And the award for People Who Foolishly And Needlessly Create Their Own Problems goes to…

    #836484 Reply

    Yeah, it sounds like there is a timeline, and a ring. Maybe you should tell him how anxious you’ve been feeling. Why not bump up the timeline a bit? I mean, if you need it sooner, ask.

    I also think you should talk about your insecurities with a pro. It helps to have an outside perspective sometimes.

    #836485 Reply

    So do you think he’s going to return the ring? Does he need to put on some grand show for your proposal? Is that what you want? Does he have to get your parents’ blessing first? Is that what you want?

    I don’t understand if you’ve agreed to be married, and you’ve purchased a token to signal that you’ve agreed to be married, aren’t you already engaged? Why does he have to ask you again?

    Seriously, what’s the hold up? Why is he holding this over your head?

    What happens if he doesn’t propose by May? Will you move in with him?

    #836486 Reply

    Gosh, its been 7 years since I got engaged but I can still remember the feeling of annoyance and insecurity involved in “waiting for a proposal.” In all other aspects of our relationship I was an equal partner and yet for some stupid antiquated reason I was forced to sit and wait for him to propose.

    It helps to have some conversations (which it seems like you’ve already done) to establish that you’re both on the same page regarding yes engagement is happening, this is the timeline for which it is happening, and so on.

    After that, just sit back, get a manicure, read some r/weddingshaming, and dream of overthrowing the patriarchy.

    P.S. My husband bought a lovely ring and proposed in a way that fits us and is a great story. In retrospect I wouldn’t trade that memory for getting engaged a few weeks or months sooner.

    P.P.S I say r/weddingshaming because reading real wedding blogs would be kind of presumptuous, but its never to early to read hilarious horror stories to make you feel better about things and/or convince you to elope.

    #836488 Reply

    We bought rings together and wore them right away, before the wedding.

    I guess I’m kind of with @LisforLeslie here. Why the wait, if it’s causing this much anxiety?

    #836489 Reply

    I don’t know that he’s holding it over her, per se. My take is that he wants the proposal to be special. SO MANY PEOPLE want to do something special or make it this grand thing. I personally think it’s silly, but to each their own. I’ve had two friends get engaged in Paris. Yawn. Another was videotaped. Again, yawn. Another was on a trip, but at least not to Paris.

    ETA: And I do agree that if it’s causing this much anxiety, he should just do it already.

    I’m glad others mentioned seeing a therapist. I think it would help.

    #836491 Reply

    I abhor this modern day insistence (fueled by cell phone cameras) on surprise proposals.

    Engagements should be discussed and rings should be selected with wearer’s participation.

    #836493 Reply

    I will definitely have a chat with my therapist about it asap.

    at least i didn’t get pregnant in order to force a proposal?! I feel like that’d be more worthy of a shameful award!

    oh i do not want a grand proposal and i’d be annoyed if he asked my parents’ permission. i’d happily just put the ring on and go about my day but he seems to want to formally propose. If the proposal doesn’t come, i won’t move. Moving will involve selling my house and i’m not ready to give up that security without the outward commitment.

    – thank you!! that is largely how i am feeling (aside from all the insecurity stuff). He says i still have the ability to say no to a proposal so we are “equal” in the proposal moving forward but it’s quite clear i’m not going to say no!

    So definitely will talk more about my insecurities with my therapist (and why in particular this seemingly lovely thing is feeding into them) and try to enjoy the next while of living alone!

    #836494 Reply

    So you’re supposed to move in June and you would have to sell your house first? Depending on your market, that could take a little time. That’s really annoying that he needs to be the one in control here.

    #836496 Reply

    Like we put our place on the market at end of Feb last year, and it sold in maybe 3 weeks, but it didn’t close until May.

    #836499 Reply

    He seems to want to propose? Or he does? I think you should bring this up and tell him what you want. And yeah, the logistics of selling your house and all that. I mean, the sooner the better.

    #836506 Reply

    I don’t have to sell the house before i move in – ideally i’d move out (and take my pets with me) then stage the house for sale. We have discussed the financials of me having to continue to pay the mortgage until it sells and while it’d be nicest to have a quick sale, it’s not a requirement of moving.

    We have had a quick chat about things since i posted this and it seems like he has a specific idea of how he wants to propose which involves it being summer out (ie us being in our canoe!) but he seems to be understanding the house/move thing.

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