Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How to relax re engagement

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This topic contains 66 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 2 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 67 total)
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  • #836509 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Keep talking and communicating.

    Make sure the ring is in a floating box (and has a floatie tied to it).

    Don’t drop the ring in a lake.

    #836510 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Gah, it’s just… why does his desired canoe scenario seem to be a higher priority than the logistics of you selling a home (stressful), paying both rent and mortgage, figuring out your furniture, etc.

    I would definitely not make plans about a lease or whatever until he’s proposed.

    #836514 Reply
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    ron

    Kate —
    In part, it’s a desire to live the perfect SM life. In larger view, he doesn’t see the problem: they’ve talked, they’ve gotten the ring, he’s said don’t worry about being engaged before June, it’ll happen. So she has as much of a commitment to being married as she’s going to have until they actually take their vows, because an engagement is a very breakable commitment if you are of a mind to. And a marriage can end after a year.

    #836517 Reply

    It seems crazy to me not to list your place until you’ve moved into his place. But then again, I totally understand not wanting to sell your house without the commitment first. There’s not a guarantee that your house will sell quickly or that it will close quickly after sale. I mean, I’m sure you know the market in your area and such but…I would not want to pay for a mortgage and rent. I would seriously have a conversation with him about this timeline. Right now, it’s an expensive timeline.

    #836531 Reply
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    FYI

    I would suggest that you aren’t “insecure,” it’s that this whole situation is effed up. Maybe THAT’s what you’re feeling — that something is off, because all of it is SO contrived and… well, false. I mean, you have a ring, you’re moving in, you’ve talked about it, so mazel tov. You’re engaged.

    That you’re supposed to pretend otherwise is frankly weird. And your body (in the form of anxious feelings) is telling you it’s weird. You for real have a ring that you’re not allowed to wear because it isn’t canoe season? Are you serious?

    Sorry, but if he wanted to do a romantic proposal, he blew it already. He has HIS fantasy, and you a prop in that fantasy. THAT’s why you feel “insecure.” Do you want to be a prop? If not, wear the damn ring.

    #836532 Reply
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    FYI

    I mean, are you seriously supposed to drop the oars and clap your hands in joy after all this? He’s not romantic. He’s stage managing. He doesn’t get it.

    #836534 Reply
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    wannab

    @kate – definitely a valid point about his priority re the proposal being seemingly more important than my house logistics. Financially i will not be paying for rent and a mortgage as we have agreed he will continue to pay for the home we will both live in on his own until my house sells. Furniture-wise we have planned out what will come but it isn’t much as we have new furniture for the joint house already.

    @ron – what does SM life mean?

    @FYI – those are some interesting points that i may sit with and think about it.

    Thank you all for taking the time to comment.

    #836535 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    SM = social media.

    I don’t know what his real motivation is for wanting to wait until canoe season – maybe he’s just REAL old fashioned and romantic – but the bottom line is, you need to stay put and not list your home and not move in with him until he’s proposed. Not because, to Ron’s point, an engagement or even a marriage is forever, but because it’s super important to you, and you have to hold your ground. So many women have written in about being in your shoes and moving in anyway, and still waiting.

    #836536 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymarkright

    Montgomery Clift once took Shelly Winters out in a canoe. It did NOT end well. I sure hope your BF isn’t secretly dating Elizabeth Taylor.

    #836537 Reply

    So…the ring is purchased and you both know it’s going to happen. It kind of seems like you are both just pretending to not be engaged for…reasons I don’t understand? Is it a photo-op thing? It seems kind of silly at this point. By the time it does happen my feelings of excitement would be replaced by feeling of “thank god this is finally over”

    Admittedly, I’m a bit of a crank when it comes to weddings and engagements, so feel free to ignore me.

    #836538 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymarkright
    #836539 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    @BGM since you went there, in An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser, the protagonist drowns his pregnant gf because he really wants to marry the rich socialite:

    “Clyde takes Roberta out in a canoe on Big Moose Lake in upstate New York, and rows to a secluded bay. He doesn’t have the nerve to go through with the plan and freezes. Sensing something wrong, Roberta moves towards him, and he unintentionally strikes her in the face with a camera, stunning her and accidentally capsizing the boat. Roberta, unable to swim, drowns, while Clyde, unwilling to save her, swims to shore. The narrative implies that the blow was accidental, but the trail of circumstantial evidence left by the panicky and guilt-ridden Clyde points to murder.“

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