Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How to relax re engagement

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This topic contains 66 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 5 days, 1 hour ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 67 total)
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  • #836540 Reply
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    wannab

    I do have – and can keep – the firm line of not moving until an engagement happens thanks to friends and other advice seekers’ experiences! I think further discussion is warranted on the why he’s hasn’t done it yet (aside from the canoe thing!). I really don’t need some elaborate story or dramatic setting so i think i need to get to the root of why it matters to him.

    Thanks for the movie suggestion @Bittergaymarkright – maybe watching that will help him let go of the whole canoe idea!!

    #836541 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymarkright

    It’s a great movie. Very dark.

    #836542 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymarkright

    A PLACE IN THE SUN.

    #836547 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    You both will be taking the financial hit to pay your mortgage and his rent or mortgage because—-you’ll be married and could have saved that money. I mean, with your plan, if it doesn’t sell quickly and close etc etc…you could be paying thousands of extra dollars or more…that could go to your wedding, your honeymoon, your savings account #justsaying

    #836548 Reply
    SavannahAnna
    SavannahAnna
    Member

    What Anonymousse said! To pay double doesn’t make sense for a couple. For him to pay until your house sells doesn’t change this a bit — if you were really thinking like a couple, this extra expense would make zero sense. And to wait for canoe season to move ahead on your engagement and other plans seems extraordinarily silly. That’s probably at least part of what seems “off” to you.

    #836549 Reply
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    Ange

    It does seem weird because unless your boyfriend is completely willfully blind he must know you’re anxious about this. At what point does the perfect stage managed engagement take precedence over the actual relationship? You have to watch who they are in the non special moments, that’s what you’ll be dealing with every day for the rest of your life.

    #836560 Reply
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    FYI

    A Place in the sun (agreed! great movie!) is BASED on An American Tragedy. It’s the same story.

    #836561 Reply
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    FYI

    My overall point is that often people (women mostly) feel as though their feelings are abnormal or must be re-directed or calmed or fixed somehow, when — in some cases — those feelings are right on. They’re telling you something wacky is going on. But instead of blaming the situation or the other party, people (women) often say, “oh, I have to stop feeling X.”

    No, X is telling you what’s up. Your boyfriend is stage-managing you.

    #836678 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Definitely don’t move until you have the engagement. Are you afraid that he won’t actually propose?

    My husband and I have bought two houses and sold one. Around here the prime time to list a house for sale is the month of March. That’s because families like to move when school gets out. They finish the school year in their old school then move in the summer and start the new school year in the new school. If your house could be considered a family home then getting it on the market sooner rather than letter is in your best interest.

    As someone else said the two of you aren’t working together as partners to make joint decisions that are in the best interests of the relationship. I think your boyfriend has visions of a great proposal put up on Facebook getting lots of attention. You need him to be focused not on the attention he gets for the proposal but on what is best for the relationship. His focus seems to be off and that is concerning for the long term health of your relationship. Think about whether his focus is more we oriented or me oriented.

    I think a few sessions of couples counseling would benefit the two of you. Don’t get engaged until the two of you can discuss anything and everything including the pros and cons of waiting until canoe season to get engaged.

    #836681 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    I think its time for another real conversation with your bf about why he needs this specific proposal, why he picked something that couldn’t be implemented until June (it may be subconscious but I don’t think its coincidence that he’s putting it off and blaming it on the temperature outside), and about how it makes you feel to sit on your hands so he can have his performative engagement. Are you a set piece or are you a partner?
    If you can’t have this kind of conversation, if he ridicules you or gaslights you or refuses to engage, that’s telling you something very important and not at all good about who he is and what kind of expectations he has for you as a girlfriend/wife.

    #836686 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    To go with what SpaceySteph wrote, a man who wants to be engaged will get engaged. A man who doesn’t want to get engaged will come up with delaying excuses.

    The man who loves being the center of attention will make sure he does an attention getting proposal. Is this engagement more about putting on a noteworthy show or is it about getting engaged?

    Has your friend group or among your relatives is there a degree of expectation that there be a spectacular or noteworthy engagement? Is this peer pressure? Is this him? Have you told him you don’t want to wait until June?

    #836958 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    Canoe season. I cannot.

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